Monday miscellany

Gorilla escapes; run for your lives!

REAL NEWS: A gorilla named Mike escaped from his enclosure at the Riverbanks Zoo in Columbia, S.C., Friday, and slightly injured a food service worker before returning to his habitat after a five-minute taste of freedom, with a side order of pizza.

It was not known for certain how Mike, 16, managed to find freedom, though zoo officials theorized that he lowered himself down a thick vine. Witnesses said he furiously beat his chest when he realized he was no longer confined, then turned on the worker, who was identified as the zoo’s pizza guy.

The concessions employee fell to the ground and wrapped his body into a fetal position to defend against the fugitive ape. He reportedly suffered only minor bumps and bruises. Visitors at the zoo were evacuated for about 45 minutes before being allowed to return.

One woman at the zoo said she tried to warn other visitors that a gorilla had escaped, but she said no one believed her. Hard to imagine that “run for your life, there’s a gorilla on the loose,” was ignored by onlookers.

Zoo officials said there would be no negative consequences for Mike. Riverbanks executive director Satch Krantz said the animal was simply “being a gorilla.”

 Why is this restaurant failing?

Have you ever noticed how certain retail locations seem to host an endless rotation of obviously lost-cause business enterprises? You would think that city officials would rezone these sites as “death spots” to keep unsuspecting entrepreneurs from losing their life savings, but it doesn’t happen.

We have one such location on a major road in my home town that you’d imagine even the dumbest capitalist would know to avoid. Why? Because it’s located in a hole. When the road was widened a few years ago, the steep grade that partially hid it from view became even more severe. As it’s now situated, only the top edge of a sign is visible from the road. In order to see the building itself, you’d have to be run off the road and down the face of a cliff, and be fortunate enough to survive the crash with your hunger for casual dining still in tact.

The earliest restaurant I remember at this spot was a Chinese place, followed by a Mexican place, followed by a barbecue place. Now it’s Kathy’s Southern Style Dining.

Perhaps if someone comes along with either a bat cave or deep canyon dining concept, one day a business will succeed here.

Stitchers in a snit

There’s quite a kerfuffle in the stitching community, as two opposing factions are heatedly debating which day should be officially recognized as World Wide Knit in Public Day.

One group, which could be viewed as the traditionalist sect, favors maintaining this past weekend – June 13 and 14 – as the historic occasion on which needleworkers across the globe haul their skeins into the bright light of day. A splinter group is suggesting instead that next weekend – June 20 and 21 – be the designated “KiP” day. They argue that because the United States Needle Arts Association’s bi-annual conference is held on the earlier dates, and presumably they’re weaving in air-conditioned comfort rather than the outdoor heat of mid-June, that conference attendees would be unable to participate in the more public event.

Most of the Thirteenth-and-Fourteenth-ists went ahead with their celebration yesterday and Saturday. Knitters were reportedly seen hard at work on their scarves, sweaters and slippers at a number of locations around the world, including the perimeter of the Green Zone in Baghdad, atop the Great Pyramid of Giza, and in lifeboats near the search zone for the Air France jetliner that went down mysteriously two weeks ago. In the U.S., numerous interstate highway overpasses were outfitted with a descending platform on which knitters could sit and work while high-speed auto traffic rocketed by beneath them.

Spokespersons for the Twentieth-and-Twenty-First-ites said they will go on with their events this coming weekend regardless of the actions of their hated rivals.

Neither group could explain why World Wide Knit in Public Day is in fact a two-day weekend.

 Your release form is so cute!

While picking up a friend at the hospital Friday who had just completed same-day surgery, I found myself waiting near the exit for the Women’s Center wing of the facility. It warmed my heart to see what was apparently a newly enlarged family emerge and climb into their car behind me.

The scene was a darkened garage so I couldn’t be sure, but I thought I saw the new dad carefully clutching a tiny infant, swaddled entirely in white. He held the package so close to his chest that I knew it was something of inestimable value.

When they opened the door of the car and the interior light came on, I could see that I was right. Sort of. What the man held protectively in his arms was not a newborn at all. It was a large sheaf of what was apparently insurance paperwork.

GI Joe goes for the gut

I’m really looking forward to the release of what is sure to be one of the biggest cinematic blockbusters of this or any summer. “GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra” will debut in theaters across the country on August 7.

As the relative of someone who suffers from a gastro-intestinal ailment, I’m very eager for this much-neglected condition to be the subject of a feature film. The increased publicity certain to follow in the wake of such a high-action romp is bound to increase both awareness and funding for diseases of the digestive tract. I only hope that “The Rise of Cobra” has nothing to do with a newly approved colonoscopic procedure.

The Scooby reportedly wore a tux

MORE REAL NEWS (with exact wording from this morning’s Rock Hill paper): An [amusement park] employee helped a park guest cheat on a carnival game and win a free stuffed animal, a park supervisor told authorities.

The guest made off with a giant Scooby Doo animal valued at $109, according to a sheriff’s department report. The Scooby Doo in question was dressed in a tuxedo, reports stated.

The incident occurred Saturday around 5 p.m. The employee was arrested on a charge of breach of trust with fradulent intent, and booked at the Fort Mill Police Department.

Tags: animals, funny, health, humor, humour, medicine, news