Fake News: Bush the Elder stepping out

KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine (June 13) — Claiming that it was “the risk, the challenge, and the search for adventure” that kept his mind fresh, former president George H.W. Bush marked his eighty-fifth birthday Friday by bounding out of his lavish seaside estate and into a brief taste of the ruinous everyday life that his son George W. Bush created for America.

Bush wore a helmet, protective goggles and a thick jumpsuit as he walked from his oceanside compound and into this small town on the southern coast of Maine. He briefly gave up his government-provided healthcare, the financial security of a lifetime pension and his Secret Service protection to experience the freefall of the middle class. His savings were temporarily cut in half and his position as an ex-president was considered for outsourcing to the Philippines during the hour-long outing.

“I gotta tell you, that was pretty scary stuff,” said Bush, who served in the White House from 1989 until 1993. “My son really screwed up. I survived being shot down by the Japanese during World War II, and it was nowhere near as frightening as this. Ridiculous insurance costs, a horrible job market, two overseas wars, and virtual economic collapse – I could never put up with that on a daily basis.”

“The people with the bravery to dive headlong into these fears and face them every day truly have my admiration,” said the eternally squinting former commander-in-chief. “Junior really did a number on you guys. I’m glad I don’t have to live with that fallout.”

Bush Senior strolled around the small historic district of the downtown area, stopping to chat with tourists and locals as they emerged from shops and restaurants. Many complained to the former president about how his son had so thoroughly wrecked the nation during his eight years in office, but the thick helmet largely protected his ears. He narrowly avoided injury when an executive from Kennebunkport’s only bank jumped to his death from a fourth-story window of the village’s tallest building, just barely missing the octogenarian.

The elderly leader of the Bush clan appeared remarkably steady on his feet, despite having local police chief Edward Brennan strapped to his back in a “tandem” arrangement for safety.

“Barb would never allow me out in public with at least some protection against the mobs who would like to rip me limb from limb,” Bush said.

Meeting with reporters back in the safety of his home after the excursion, the slightly shaken Bush the First announced that for his birthday next year, he would attempt what he called “sky-diving.”

“As I understand it, that involves leaping onto (CNN Morning Express anchor) Robin Meade,” he said. “I would jump that in a second.”

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One Response to “Fake News: Bush the Elder stepping out”

  1. zmanowner Says:

    85 going Skydiving..that guy has balls of stone…not that the golden parachutes would ever let him get hurt…zman sends

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