Revisited: A bunch of small editorials

Just about every newspaper, from the monolithic New York Times to the local small-town shopper, seems to have an opinion page. Much of the space in that section is taken up with editorials, in which various news events are dissected, and the writer eventually comes out in favor of or opposed to something. Most of these are longer than they need to be, in a sad attempt to justify whatever opinion is being espoused.

In today’s fast-paced society, we have to get to the point more quickly than ever. Glaciers are melting, people are starving and celebrities are finding themselves in trouble. Editorialists need to wrap it up faster. Tell everybody what to do and how to feel, and move on already.

Today I’d like to introduce the concept of what I call the “mini-torial.” What follows represents my sentiments on a variety of topics, all of which you’d typically skip right past if they were long and boring. Since instead they’re short and snappy, you will read and heed my word.

  • There’s too much variety in the world. Have you been to the grocery store lately? There must be hundreds of different cereals to choose from. This is simply too many. Everything should be the same.
  • Bristol, Bristol, Bristol. You’re such a young girl. Do you realize what you’re doing? You’re not pregnant again, are you? Bristol?
  • Farewell, Clarence Clemmons. It’s such a shame that people eventually have to die. We call for a moratorium on mortality.
  • Chinese characters are unnecessarily difficult to read. It looks like a typewriter got stuck in one place and all the letters just typed one on top of the other. Come on, China. Enter the twenty-first century. Start writing and speaking in English.
  • Professional car racing for sport represents such a huge waste of gasoline. Stop it.
  • BP should be ashamed of itself for allowing the gulf oil spill to go on this long. Wildlife is dying. Clean-up crews are getting hot and dirty and smelly. This is not how we’re supposed to spend a summer at the beach.
  • Apple announces it will have a major announcement about the iPhone 4. Just tell us already.
  • We’re looking forward to Tiger’s return to St. Andrews for this week’s British Open. We hope there’s a lot of exciting golf and not so much distracting chatter about his personal life. Isn’t it about time that we all started acting like grown-ups?
  • There’s no need for phone books anymore.
  • Those Hitler shenanigans got completely out of control. Someone should have stopped him back in the 1930s.
  • Things are looking increasingly bleak for our war effort in Afghanistan. Soon it will be winter and the Taliban will retreat even further into their caves. People are going to be catching some awful head colds.
  • It’s so easy to take oxygen for granted. It’s all around us, in the very air that we breathe. We call on Congress to establish a National Oxygen Appreciation Day, to honor this most precious of gases.
  • We need to jump start economic growth. This recession has gone on for far too long. There are people out there looking for jobs, and there just aren’t that many to choose from. If you know anyone who is hiring, could you mention my name?
  • The so-called obesity epidemic just means that a lot of people are fat. Since when is that news?
  • Congratulations, South Africa, on the success of the recently completed World Cup soccer tournament. Job well done. Let’s do it again some time.
  • Muslims in New York are planning to build a mosque right down the street from Ground Zero. If they have the traditional call to prayer five times a day, it’s going to be difficult to hear, what with the traffic noise and such.
  • Even though we didn’t usually agree with Dick Cheney’s politics, we wish him well as he recovers from major heart surgery. That can take a toll on anybody, especially someone his age.
  • It’s been months since the terrible earthquake in Haiti, and there’s so little progress in that poorest of Caribbean nations. And now hurricane season has arrived. It’s just one thing after another with those people.
  • Twitter is enabling people to keep up with their friends like never before. This is a good thing in our increasingly hectic lives. We need to stay in touch. Let’s have lunch together some time.
  • LeBron James has forsaken his hometown of Cleveland for the bright lights and excitement of Miami. Let’s hope he realizes how hot it gets there in the summertime.
  • The Tea Party movement needs to stop being against things and start proposing some stuff. Nobody likes too much negativism. Couldn’t they at least say something nice about President Obama’s posture?
  • Happy Bastille Day to all the French! We’ll make no snide comments here about how they’re effete, weak, foul-smelling and cowardly. Instead, it’s a day to celebrate all things French – not just kisses, toast, fries and dressing, but the people too.
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