Fake News Briefs: From Uncle Ted to Wilson Pickett

Stevens and Rostenkowski find peace at last

HEAVEN, D.C. (August 11) — Newly elected representatives Ted Stevens and Dan Rostenkowski are already exerting their powerful influence here. St. Peter has appointed Stevens to the Celestial Senate and Rostenkowski to the Heavenly House, and neither has wasted any time in resorting to the pork-barrel politics they were famous for on Earth.

Both men have joined together to co-sponsor legislation that would fund the construction of an express lane from the physical world to the afterlife for those who have devoted their lives to conscientious, bi-partisan public service. The $644 million project would provide a “pathway to sainthood” to politicians who rise above the current Washington environment of petty bickering and instead work toward improving the general welfare of their nation.

Opponents in both the Celestial Senate and Heavenly House were quick to criticize the proposed project as a “bridge to nowhere.”

Passenger frustrations boil over

NEW YORK (August 10) — A would-be terrorist who planned to force a Pittsburgh-to-New York JetBlue flight to proceed smoothly with no delays and a pleasant experience for all was thwarted by a group of disruptive passengers Tuesday.

Ahmad al-Malawi, a software salesman from Albany, N.Y., who described himself as a frequent business flier, commandeered the plane’s PA system when unruly passengers began arguing about space in the overhead luggage bin.

“The Muslim people of the world just cannot take this anymore,” he reportedly announced. “We try to explode a shoe bomb and you interrupt us. We try to explode an underwear bomb and all we get is a painful Brazilian. Now, I try to force you to behave like adults and even that fails. It is all so frustrating.”

Al-Malawi then uttered what was believed to be an Arabic curse — “fuq u-Al” — grabbed two cans of beer and deployed the emergency chute. When he remembered his Islamic faith forbade him from drinking alcohol, he returned the beers and instead took two cans of sugar-free cherry Dr. Pepper. When he realized that the current celebration of Ramadan forbade him from drinking anything during daylight hours, he returned the sodas and selected two copies of JetBlue’s award-winning in-flight magazine Airways. He then jumped on to the inflated chute, landed on the tarmac and calmly walked toward the rental car counter where his mid-sized sedan was waiting.

More are making music to politics transition

DETROIT, Mich. (August 11) — First it was Wyclef Jean, reggae and hip-hop artist, announcing he was entering the race to be the next president of Haiti. Now, another legendary musician has said he’ll make a bid to cross over from the music world to international politics.

Wilson Pickett, a major figure in the development of American soul music, told reporters yesterday that he will seek the office of president in the Land of 1,000 Dances.

Though dead since 2006, Pickett said he could still help the long-suffering citizenry in the imaginary land he created in his 1966 hit, which peaked at Number 6 on the Billboard charts.

“The Land wasn’t a real place, and I’m no longer a real person, so I think there’s a certain synergy there,” Pickett said. “Hey! Uh!”

Pickett said his main focus if he’s elected would be to halt the threatened extinction of many of the 1,000 dances. He noted that the watusi and the pony were in particular danger, and that preserving all of the various gyrations was critical to maintaining the cultural heritage of the imaginary nation.

“C’mon, y’all, let’s say it one more time,” he said in announcing his campaign slogan. “Na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na, na-na-na-na.”

Pickett said that by paying personal attention to each individual “na,” he hoped to restore the once-proud country to the fame and glory it knew almost five decades ago. He called on both current and expatriate Dancians to “aah, help me … aah, help me.”

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2 Responses to “Fake News Briefs: From Uncle Ted to Wilson Pickett”

  1. Paul Dixon Says:

    As an “expatriate Dancian” (which I had no idea I was until this morning), and as part of my ongoing efforts to keep ‘Truth and Accuracy’ as the standard at davisw.wordpress.com, I carefully counted up the number of “na-nas” attributed to Mr. Pickett.

    At first, I thought that there might have been a couple of redundant ‘nas’ entered, but, after careful analysis of the area beginning at the 8th ‘na’, I came to realize that you counted a subtle melismatic ornamentation, an inflection, if you will, as separate melodic notes, rather than a single, grouped ‘na’. This, of course, could be interpreted in a couple of different ways by even experts, and so a simple difference in methodology cannot be counted against you.

    Once again, truth and accuracy reign supreme as the guiding standard at davisw.wordpress.com.

  2. Paul Dixon Says:

    One more thing: the movement of professional musicians into the realm of politics has been happening for quite some time; one of the better-known examples was Ignace Paderewski, concert pianist and Prime Minister of Poland. Or Jerry Butler (from Curtis Mayfield and The Impressions to the Cook County Commission).

    Then there are the peripheral wanna-bees: Ted Nugent (Amboy Dukes), Paul Simon, Bono, Sting, Prince, etc. Oh, and Hitler. No, wait, he was a wallpaper-hanger and failed artist, but it’s rumored that on slow nights at the local beer hall, he would pick up a clarinet and toot along with the resident oom-pah band. That Hitler-he was such a kidder. These days, only audiophiles will remember his single hit, “Mein Lederhosen Ist Too Tight”.

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