Thanks for revealing our weaknesses: An editorial

Thank you, Dr. Stephen Hawking, for opening your big goddam mouth. Or at least the parts of it you can control.

For those who missed the news brief earlier this week (which would include any extraterrestrial life that doesn’t have an internet connection), the famed British physicist and general know-it-all said he thought that aliens who choose to visit Earth would most likely destroy us.

“Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they could reach,” Hawking said. “If so, it makes sense for them to exploit each new planet for material to build more spaceships so they could move on. Who knows what the limits would be?”

Well, obviously, the aliens know. Now that you’ve shot off your fat lip.

Up until the time Mr. Renowned Theoretical Physicist told them otherwise, it was entirely possible that space monsters would think they’d have to be afraid of us. Even a cursory reconnaissance would reveal that we have thousands of nuclear warheads, chemical and biological poisons, and a virtually endless supply of real housewives of various cities waiting to shriek in their ears, if they have any. Just to be on the safe side, they’d likely cool their extraterrestrial heels on a nearby moon or asteroid and be content to snatch only passing astronauts and space junk.

But now — now that the foremost expert on astrophysics has clued them in on our weaknesses — we are ripe for an interplanetary attack. “C’mon down,” he might as well have said. “The weather’s fine and our brains are primed for sucking.”

Captain Autotune deserves all due respect for overcoming a debilitating neurological disorder to devote his life to studying the stars and theorizing about the origins of the universe. He is an inspiration to the abled and the differently abled alike, and beloved by the worlds of true science and pop science.

But unless he plans to climb out of that wheelchair and personally join in the apocalyptic battle to save humanity from invading mutants who didn’t even know we were scared of them until he made his Discovery Channel show (Sunday at 9 p.m., 8 Central), he needs to keep his great thoughts to himself.

If you can blow on that device that allows you to interact with your computer, and cause it to fire volley after volley of automatic weapons fire at waves on oncoming aliens, please prepare to do so. Otherwise, please keep your mouth shut.

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2 Responses to “Thanks for revealing our weaknesses: An editorial”

  1. GoingLikeSixty Says:

    Captain Autotune?
    Classic!

  2. Captain Autotune Doomed Us All | Baby Boomer Going Like Sixty Says:

    […] W is looking out for all mankind, unlike Captain Autotune (which is a classic when it comes to referring Stephen Hawking!) “Such advanced aliens would […]

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