Fake News: Volcano has hidden benefits

LONDON (April 19) — Sources at the major airlines report that executives are secretly delighted with delays in Europe caused by the Icelandic volcano, since it gives them a new excuse in their arsenal of reasons why flights are so often late or cancelled.

“This represents a true breakthrough in crafting explanations that passengers can’t question,” said an official who identified himself only as Capt. Rolf. “Who’s going to argue with a volcano? This allows us to yank people off the plane and condemn them to the cot village on Concourse C with even more impunity than we showed before.”

In the past, airlines have relied on two primary strategies to head off passenger complaints to the FAA about their shoddy treatment. Either carriers would offer travelers a justification that was simply too crazy to be subjected to logical reasoning, or the story would be so frightening that flyers would gladly accept the delay.

“To be able to add ‘volcanic eruption’ to this list gives us much more flexibility to operate our network profitably,” Rolf said. “Some people were starting to see through what used to be our favorite excuse, that we were attaching a new wing to the fuselage and would be ready to take off as soon as the glue dried.”

Rolf revealed some of the other most popular pretexts in current use:

• The pilot has a stomach ache
• We’re still trying to extricate a fat guy from coach
• The special “Mile High Club” sanitation unit is required in several of the restrooms
• We’re waiting on the Yemeni vice president for terrorism to make his connection
• Someone on the previous flight forgot to return their tray table to an upright and locked position, throwing air traffic control computers into chaos
• There are bats in the overhead storage bins
• We’re still loading up the baby diapers, so fussing will be at an acceptable level during the flight
• Crossword puzzles in the in-flight magazines are all filled in, and we’re waiting for press availability to print new issues
• Teens are clogging up the SkyMall, hanging out with their friends
• The starboard engine became unbuttoned, so we’re flying in a safety pin from St. Louis
• The coffee is too warm and we can’t let you board until it’s tepid
• The autopilot is drunk
• We forgot how to fly one of these things (it’s more complicated than you think)

Meanwhile, airport officials suffering through a fourth day of disruptions Monday demanded that the volcano stop its seismic activity immediately, since emissions are in blatant defiance of no-smoking regulations at most locations.

“There’s a small glassed-in area where smoking is allowed, and the volcano is clearly violating the rules by letting second-hand smoke drift not only throughout the airport, but over the entire continent,” said Amsterdam’s port authority chairman Hans Wender. “These rules are for the safety and comfort of all passengers, and just because you’re a volcano doesn’t exempt you from health and safety regulations.”

The volcano could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson close to the 5,500-foot mountain said “Arrhh! The lava! It’s burning my skin! And the pyroclastic flow! It hurts! Arrhh!”

Finally, the makers of Volkswagen — perhaps looking at an increase in auto travel for the duration of the eruption — announced a new model in their fleet will be named after the volcano.

“In the honorable tradition of the Touareg, the Tiguan, the Routan and the Eos, we are proud to unveil the ‘Eyjafjallajokull’,” said design vice president Werner Horst. “Like our other models, it rolls off the tongue as easily as it drives.”

Horst said the Eyjafjallajokull had been in development for several years before the Iceland disaster unfolded, but the original name for the new sedan, the “Hitlermobile,” could easily be set aside.

“Like the ash cloud now settling over most of Europe, our new car will spew noxious emissions, result in tremendous costs to the economy, and yet will strangely remain popular throughout the continent,” Horst said. “Test drive one today.”

Tags: culture, funny, history, humor, humour, life, news