Posts Tagged ‘tea party’

Fake News: Palin says she’s not a palm reader

February 9, 2010

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (Feb. 7) — Sarah Palin yesterday defended herself against accusations that she consulted a “cheat sheet” written on her hand during an appearance at the conservative Tea Party convention.

“Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us beautiful, like butterflies,” Palin told reporters in a brief meeting at the airport, lifting her shirt and twisting to look at her lower back. “What doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger. Turn your wounds into wisdom.”

Palin appeared uncharacteristically demure at the impromptu press conference, frequently glancing down at her clothing, limbs and shoes. She responded slowly and deliberately to questions, but denied she was reading her answers.

“Property of the University of Wisconsin Athletic Department,” she said. “I’m with Stupid. Charlotte Observer 10K and Marathon, April 13, 2003. This is my boyfriend’s shirt.”

After blasting President Obama for relying on a teleprompter during his speeches, Palin denied it was hypocritical of her to be glancing at notes scribbled on her palm in a session immediately following her keynote address Saturday night. She insisted she was merely speaking “off the cuff” and “to label my actions otherwise was false.”

“Made in the Republic of the Philippines. Machine wash cold with similar colors,” the 2008 Republican vice-presidential nominee said. “When needed, tumble dry low but remove promptly.”

Palin extended her leg forward at one point and appeared ready to make a comment about being kicked while she was down, or perhaps staying ahead of the pack. Already changed into casual wear for her flight back to Alaska, she had on the same running shoes that she wore during a recent profile in Runner’s World magazine.

“Upper: leather/nylon. Upper lining: nylon,” she told the crowd of journalists. “Adidas — the brand with three stripes.”

Glancing at her wrist to indicate it was time to board the private jet provided by Fox News, the former Alaska governor offered one final observation on the controversy.

“Timex Ironman triathlon,” she said. “Start, lap, reset.”

Do not dry clean if decorated

Fake News Briefs: Entertainment Edition

April 16, 2009

Deejay uses restraint

SEATTLE, Washington (April 15) — A morning deejay with the Spokane “J96 Zoo Crew” is reportedly the only media funnyman in the nation thus far to pass up making a joke about the new White House dog surviving tax issues to land his new position as First Pet.

Al “The Lunatic” Roberts barely avoided the nearly universal joke Wednesday when he did make mention of a “vetting process that involved de-worming and a flea treatment.” But unlike his high-profile cohorts on The Tonight Show, The Late Show and The Late Late Show, Roberts did not raise the tax question.

“Of course, it did occur to me immediately when the news came out, especially several days before April 15,” Roberts said. “But it just seemed so trite and obvious that I couldn’t bring myself to say it.”

The AM radio veteran, who writes most of his own material, did join the rest of America’s comedians by saying the new pet, named “Bo” by the Obama children, was “the first dog in the White House since Bill Clinton” and that “if the president thinks cleaning up the economic mess is a dirty job, wait till Bo has chili for dinner.”

Veteran actor wants to talk music

HOLLYWOOD, California (April 15) — Veteran TV actor Ed Asner made an erratic appearance Wednesday on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, refusing to talk about his long sitcom career and instead focusing exclusively on his new polka band, the Asnertones.

The 79-year-old entertainer, known primarily for his role as Lou Grant in two popular TV comedies of the 1970s, looked disheveled and disoriented during his eight-minute segment with Leno, stopping at several points to wander toward the camera asking “Where’s my stapler?” He also removed his shirt at one point, revealing a tattoo he described as “a map of Croatia,” and demanded that band leader Kevin Eubanks replace his guitar with a mandolin.

The former Screen Actors Guild president and long-time political activist said he’s retired from acting to devote all his efforts to an upcoming tour with the Asnertones, which he described as a “grunge/doo-wop/accordion combo unlike anything you’ve ever heard.”

“I sing and I dance and I do a little light housework with the group,” Asner told an obviously perturbed Leno. “We open next week in Australia, then continue a world tour for the next three months. Or until I die.”

Asner’s bizarre appearance follows several recent attempts by actors to transform their careers from acting to music. Joaquin Phoenix staged a similar act on David Letterman earlier this year to promote his new hip-hop tour, and Billy Bob Thornton ranted through a Canadian radio spot last week trying to drum up publicity for an ultimately failed tour by his band.

“Let me tell you something about that Mary Tyler Moore,” Asner told Leno. “I’m going to ask her to be in my band.”

’Tea party’ event misunderstood

The convergence of college spring break with yesterday’s nationwide protest dubbed the “Taxpayer’s Tea Party” caused considerable confusion among revelers in several major U.S. cities.

Conservative and libertarian activists blended with hard-drinking undergraduates at a number of locations where the latter group thought free alcohol, music and scantily clad coeds would be making appearances, rather than loopy right-wing has-beens looking to advance their hopeless agenda.

“Woo-hooo! Partay, partay, partay,” said Neil Johnson of Tulane University, who attended the San Antonio Tax Day Tea Party, which featured Fox News personality Glenn Beck as a speaker. “I love Beck and can’t wait for the concert to start. I hope he plays ‘Loser’ and ‘MTV Makes Me Want to Smoke Crack.’”

Conservative organizers of the anti-tax event tried quickly to reclaim the agenda, with varying degrees of success.

“We are moms and dads, businessmen and women who are concerned for their country,” said U.S. Senator Jim DeMint of South Carolina. “We are worried that our nation is quickly being taken in the wrong direction by politicians more concerned about the next election than the next generation.”

Another Fox newsman, Neil Cavuto, appeared at the Sacramento, California, tea-party rally, but also met with perplexed members of a large crowd.

“They call this ‘SAC Town’,” said hospitality services major Jeff Greene of nearby UC-Davis. “Imagine that – there will be tea-baggin’ in SAC Town. That is off the hook, man. That is totally crunk.”

Mike Leahy, co-founder of Top Conservatives on Twitter, a primary sponsor of the protest, said organizers plan to deliver one million teabags to a Washington, D.C. park to demonstrate how the common man is fed up with high taxes and excess spending.

“This is about citizens who believe America can only survive if we protect the principles of liberty from a federal government that is out of control and must be reformed now,” Leahy said. “And that’s the real message of hope.”

Scott Glenn, a junior marketing major from Dearborn, Michigan, who attended the tea party in nearby Lansing, seemed to agree with that sentiment.

“I know what I hope for – I hope that ‘T’ stands for tequila and Tanqueray,” said Glenn. “I hear Joe the Plumber is going to be at this event. He may need to be standing by, because my buds and I plan on barfing our brains out. Yeee-owww!”