Posts Tagged ‘Sarah Palin’

Fake News: Palin says she’s not a palm reader

February 9, 2010

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (Feb. 7) — Sarah Palin yesterday defended herself against accusations that she consulted a “cheat sheet” written on her hand during an appearance at the conservative Tea Party convention.

“Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us beautiful, like butterflies,” Palin told reporters in a brief meeting at the airport, lifting her shirt and twisting to look at her lower back. “What doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger. Turn your wounds into wisdom.”

Palin appeared uncharacteristically demure at the impromptu press conference, frequently glancing down at her clothing, limbs and shoes. She responded slowly and deliberately to questions, but denied she was reading her answers.

“Property of the University of Wisconsin Athletic Department,” she said. “I’m with Stupid. Charlotte Observer 10K and Marathon, April 13, 2003. This is my boyfriend’s shirt.”

After blasting President Obama for relying on a teleprompter during his speeches, Palin denied it was hypocritical of her to be glancing at notes scribbled on her palm in a session immediately following her keynote address Saturday night. She insisted she was merely speaking “off the cuff” and “to label my actions otherwise was false.”

“Made in the Republic of the Philippines. Machine wash cold with similar colors,” the 2008 Republican vice-presidential nominee said. “When needed, tumble dry low but remove promptly.”

Palin extended her leg forward at one point and appeared ready to make a comment about being kicked while she was down, or perhaps staying ahead of the pack. Already changed into casual wear for her flight back to Alaska, she had on the same running shoes that she wore during a recent profile in Runner’s World magazine.

“Upper: leather/nylon. Upper lining: nylon,” she told the crowd of journalists. “Adidas — the brand with three stripes.”

Glancing at her wrist to indicate it was time to board the private jet provided by Fox News, the former Alaska governor offered one final observation on the controversy.

“Timex Ironman triathlon,” she said. “Start, lap, reset.”

Do not dry clean if decorated

Palin not the type to quit

July 9, 2009

Sarah Palin may or may not be the nation’s worst governor. As a resident of South Carolina, I’d be hard-pressed to point fingers at anyone else’s chief executive. Still, it’s hard to deny that she doesn’t seem especially skilled at political timing or the lakeside reading of prepared statements or even the application of proper amounts of blush.

But I don’t think she’s crazy and I don’t think she’s dumb. Her poll numbers among those who already dislike her hardly budged after her recent announcement that she’s resigning as Alaska’s governor, yet they continued to be sky-high among the base of supporters she’d need to secure the 2012 presidential nomination. If she’s crazy, she’s crazy like an arctic fox. If she’s dumb, she’s dumb like … like an elk? An eagle? A salmon? (I’m not sure who or what is considered smart in Alaska.)

I also don’t necessarily think that she’s a bad writer. Commentators nationwide had a field day with what they called the rambling, incoherent and bizarre nature of the lengthy pronouncement she delivered last Friday. CNN contributor Paul Begala even went so far as to complain about her punctuation.

“The text uses 2,549 words and 18 exclamation points. Lincoln freed the slaves with 719 words and nary an exclamation point,” Begala wrote. “Gov. Palin capitalized words at random – whole words like ‘TO,’ ‘HELP,’ and ‘AND.’ She put her son’s name in quotation marks. And I don’t even know what to make of a sentence that reads: ‘*((Gotta put First Things First))*’”.

(I apologize right now if my own punctuation at the end of that previous paragraph was questionable, but I forget the lesson in English class about how to handle two close parens, an asterisk, a close single quote and a close double quote at the end of a sentence. I must’ve been sick that day.)

My own theory as to why her press release drew such scorn has more to do with her typing skills than her writing ability. I’m guessing that when she was a young girl, her parents deliberately steered her away from clerical skills so she wouldn’t be dead-ended in a secretarial position. Instead, they urged her to hone her executive skills by executing moose, bear and other kinds of underlings. She had to attend four different colleges and who knows how many beauty pageants before she found officials willing to accept her handwritten thesis “World Peace: A Paradigm for Decoupling Transnational Incumbency from Armed Intervention.”

This defensive ignorance led to her undoing the other day. However, a careful analysis of some of her word, punctuation and capitalization choices against the typical QUERTY keyboard layout reveals that the declaration she intended to write is a good bit more astute than the version that ended up in print.

For example, those 18 exclamation points were probably attempts to hit the nearby ESC (escape) key, which she believed would deliver her from the fishbowl of public life. The seemingly random capitalization probably occurred when she struck the CAPS LOCK key, an attempt to state her opposition to Congress’ controversial passage of the so-called “cap and trade” emissions control bill. She pointedly avoided the SHIFT key, lest she be seen as just another shifty politician. The occasional asterisk represented the icy precipitation of her beloved Alaska.

She accidentally hit the PAUSE/BREAK key a few times to indicate that she’s only temporarily exiting from her leadership role in the Republican Party. She struck the ARROW UP key to remind her rural constituency of her love for primitive hunting techniques. She depressed the TAB key just because she wanted a diet soft drink, and the HOME key to remind listeners that her first obligation was to her family.

And all the ellipses? … Probably Morse Code warning foreign powers that any attempts to challenge American hegemony during her administration would be met with the dot-dot-dot of automatic weapons fire from invading U.S. troops.

Sarah Palin’s political opponents would be well advised not to underestimate her intellect. Any shortcomings she might exhibit now can be addressed and corrected during her time out of public office. If not, she can always balance the ’12 ticket by naming Mavis Beacon as her running mate.

Our next vice president? Could be!!!

Our next vice president? Could be!!!

Palin hiking the Alaskan Trail?

July 4, 2009

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin made a surprise announcement Friday that she is resigning from office at the end of the month. Palin offered little explanation about why she plans to step down, raising speculation that she will focus on a run for the White House in the 2012 race.

The former Republican vice presidential candidate hastily called a news conference Friday morning at her home in suburban Wasilla, giving such short notice that only a few reporters actually made it to the announcement. State troopers blocked late-arriving media outside her home, and her spokesman, Dave Murrow, finally emerged to confirm that Palin will step down July 26.

Palin announced the decision in an often rambling news conference in which she invoked the words of Gen. Douglas MacArthur and the rules of basketball, but offered few clues about her intentions. The news rattles a Republican Party plagued with setbacks in recent weeks, including extramarital affairs disclosed by two other 2012 presidential prospects.

Poised, and ready to start her hike

Poised, and ready to start her hike

The following are some actual excerpts from the speech:

Hi Alaska.

People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing’s more important to me than our beloved Alaska. Serving her people is the greatest honor I could imagine.

Alaska’s mission is to contribute to America. Bold visionaries knew this – Alaska would be part of America’s great destiny, our destiny to be reached by responsibly developing our natural resources. This land, blessed with clean air, water, wildlife, minerals, AND oil and gas. It’s energy! God gave us energy.

So to serve the state is a humbling responsibility, because I know in my soul that Alaska is of such import for America’s security in our very volatile world. And you know me by now, I promised even four years ago to show MY independence… no more conventional “politics as usual”.

And we are doing well! My administration’s accomplishments speak for themselves. We work tirelessly for Alaskans.

We are doing well! I wish you’d hear MORE from the media of your state’s progress and how we tackle SPECIAL interests daily that would stymie our state. Even those debt-ridden stimulus dollars that would force the heavy hand of federal government into our communities with an “all-knowing attitude” – I have taken the slings and arrows with that unpopular move to veto because I know being right is better than being popular. Some of those dollars would harm Alaska and harm America. I resisted those dollars because of the obscene national debt we’re forcing our children to pay, because of today’s Big Government spending; it’s immoral and doesn’t even make economic sense!

We’re protectors of our Constitution – federalists protect states’ rights as mandated in the 10th amendment.

But you don’t hear much of the good stuff in the press anymore, do you?

Some say things changed for me on August 29th last year – the day John McCain tapped me to be his running-mate. I say others changed. Political operatives descended on Alaska last August, digging for dirt.

It’s pretty insane – my staff and I spend most of our day dealing with THIS instead of progressing our state now. I know I promised no more “politics as usual,” but THIS isn’t what anyone had in mind for ALASKA.

Life is too short to compromise time and resources… it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: “Sit down and shut up”. But that’s the worthless, easy path; that’s a quitter’s way out. And a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and “go with the flow”.

Nah, only dead fish “go with the flow”.

First, a little "stretch," if you know what I mean

First, a little "stretch," if you know what I mean

No. Productive, fulfilled people determine where to put their efforts, choosing to wisely utilize precious time… to BUILD UP.

But I won’t do it from the Governor’s desk.

I’ve never believed that I, nor anyone else, needs a title to do this – to make a difference… to HELP people. So I choose, for my State and my family, more “freedom” to progress, all the way around… so that Alaska may progress… I will not seek re-election as Governor.

And so as I thought about this announcement that I wouldn’t run for re-election and what it means for Alaska, I thought about how much fun some governors have as lame ducks… travel around the state, to the Lower 48 (maybe), overseas on international trade, as so many politicians do. And then I thought – that’s what’s wrong – many just accept that lame duck status, hit the road, draw the paycheck, and “milk it”. I’m not putting Alaska through that – I promised efficiencies and effectiveness! That’s not how I am wired. I am not wired to operate under the same old “politics as usual.” I promised that four years ago – and I meant it.

It’s not what is best for Alaska.

I am determined to take the right path for Alaska even though it is unconventional and not so comfortable.

I’ve determined it’s best to transfer the authority of governor to Lieutenant Governor (Sean) Parnell; and I am willing to do so, so that this administration – with its positive agenda, its accomplishments, and its successful road to an incredible future – can continue without interruption and with great administrative and legislative success.

Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me – sports… basketball. I use it because you’re naive if you don’t see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket… and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can WIN. And I’m doing that – keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities – smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it’s time to pass the ball – for victory.

I have given my reasons candidly and truthfully… and my last day won’t be for another few weeks so the transition will be very smooth. In fact, we will look to swear Sean in – in Fairbanks at the conclusion of our Governor’s picnics.

In fact, this decision comes after much consideration, and finally polling the most important people in my life, my children (where the count was unanimous… well, in response to asking: “Want me to make a positive difference and fight for ALL our children’s future from OUTSIDE the Governor’s office?” It was four “yes’s” and one “hell yeah!” The “hell yeah” sealed it – and someday I’ll talk about the details of that… I think much of it had to do with the kids seeing their baby brother Trig mocked by some pretty mean-spirited adults recently.) Um, by the way, sure wish folks could ever, ever understand that we ALL could learn so much from someone like Trig. I know he needs me, but I need him even more… what a child can offer to set priorities RIGHT – that time is precious… the world needs more “Trigs”, not fewer.

First things first: as Governor, I love my job and I love Alaska. It hurts to make this choice but I am doing what’s best for Alaska. I’ve explained why… though I think of the saying on my parents’ refrigerator that says “Don’t explain: your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.”

Now, despite this, I don’t want any Alaskan dissuaded from entering politics after seeing this REAL “climate change” that began in August… no, we NEED hardworking, average Americans fighting for what’s right! And I will support you because we need YOU and YOU can effect change, and I can too on the outside.

We need those who will respect our Constitution where government’s supposed to serve from the BOTTOM UP, not move toward this TOP DOWN big government take-over… but rather, will be protectors of individual rights, who also have enough common sense to acknowledge when conditions have drastically changed and are willing to call an audible and pass the ball when it’s time so the team can win! And that is what I’m doing!

Remember Alaska… America is now, more than ever, looking north to the future. It’ll be good. So God bless you, and from me and my family – to ALL Alaska – you have my heart.

In the words of General MacArthur said, “We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction.”

Got my Argentine visa and I'm ready to go

Got my Argentine visa and I'm ready to go