Fake News Briefs

Captured Somali readies his defense

NEW YORK (April 25) – Captured Somali pirate Abduwali Muse revealed plans for his legal defense strategy through his attorneys this weekend, and it appears to rely heavily on influences he has felt during his ten-day stay in New York.

Attorney Malcolm Campbell said Muse will claim during his upcoming piracy trial that the alleged attack on the Maersk Alabama was merely a “performance piece” by himself and three fellow “actors,” and should be protected as an act of artistic expression.

“If you look at the circumstances carefully, you’ll quickly recognize that it wasn’t that different from much of the work being staged at venues throughout this city on a regular basis,” Campbell said. “The only difference — instead of off-Broadway, this was off Somalia.”

Muse will claim that the five-day hijacking that ended when the ship’s captain was freed by Navy Seals earlier this month was “a work of post-modern irony comprised of three acts.”

“The first act, throwing a line onto the deck and scrambling on board, is a modern dance statement inspired by the early works of Martha Graham,” Campbell said. “The second act, when the terrorized crew babbled incoherently while locked in a small supply closet for nine hours, uses elements of absurdist theater. After a brief intermission, the climactic third act was what we considered a floating installation, bobbing in a life boat on the open ocean, much like modern man drifts through an aimless, meaningless experience.”

Muse and his attorneys will assert that the production could’ve been a success if appreciated in the proper light. Though virtually all of the civilized world condemned the act as one of international criminality, Campbell noted that local reviewers gave it three gunshots on a scale of one to five.

“Those who were really close to the action and could feel the passion of the performers gave them what you could call very high marks,” Campbell said of the Navy marksmen who closed the show prematurely. “They felt my client had captured something special. It’s just very sad that it ended up being such a limited run.”

 

Stretching the meat

WASHINGTON (April 27) – Animal husbandry experts at the Department of Agriculture revealed several revolutionary new techniques yesterday that could profoundly affect livestock yields, especially in developing-world countries.

Following in-depth research at the agency’s genetics lab, scientists were able to devise a process that would allow farmers to market their cattle at a slow and steady rate rather than all at once after the annual slaughter.

“Basically, our technique involves harvesting only small parts of the cattle’s meat on an as-needed basis,” said Dr. Robert Rachel, professor of animal science at Maryland A&T and a researcher with the FDA. “With carefully calibrated surgical procedures, we can remove portions of beef while the animal continues to live and grow.”

Rachel described how chunks roughly the size of a hamburger can be cut away from a steer’s hide, and the wound can then be covered with a sterile dressing and allowed to heal. Larger cattle might even be able to survive the removal of an entire shank, which could be treated with skin grafts grown in a culture of the animal’s own cells.

“For centuries, this has been the primary dilemma for herdsmen throughout the world,” Rachel said. “They have this tremendous financial asset that can’t easily be redeemed. If they can market their meat gradually over the course of several years, and also sell an entire carcass at full maturation, that extra income will be all gravy. So to speak.”

Rachel also theorized that an entire leg, or even several legs, could be removed and replaced with prostheses. Tails could be removed for use in oxtail soup, and organ meats such as liver and kidneys could be taken in a surgery resembling transplantation.

“They could either collect just a single kidney, allowing the animal to live off the remaining organ, or they might be able to take it all and transplant replacements from a similar animal, like a buffalo, yak or moose,” Rachel said.

The researcher dismissed criticism from animal-rights activists that hacking off chunks of cow would compound the already significant suffering these animals face at the slaughterhouse.

“We’d be working with appropriate anesthesia in all procedures,” Rachel said. “We’re not butchers. Well, actually we are butchers, but in the very best sense of the word.”

Asked why this research was done at the FDA’s genetics lab, Rachel said his group was “just borrowing the equipment while it wasn’t being used over the weekend.”

“We figured it would sound a little better if we mentioned genetics in some way,” he said.

 

 

Fake News: Pirate (hearts) NY

NEW YORK (April 25) – Captured Somali pirate Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse arrived in New York earlier this week to face federal charges in connection with his role in the hijacking of an American container ship in the Indian Ocean.

 

 

 

Happy to be in New York

Smiling broadly for photographers as he entered the huge federal courthouse in Lower Manhattan, Muse spoke in broken English describing events of recent weeks that have thrust him into the international spotlight. He is the sole survivor in a foursome of pirates who briefly captured the Maersk Alabama, then held its captain hostage for several days before Navy Seals freed him by killing Muse’s three cohorts.

“I so very happy to be here in New York,” Muse said in a brief statement. “This is greatest city in the world. I never dream that poor desert goatherd like me would make it here.”

Muse was charged by Judge Andrew Peck with five counts in Tuesday’s hearing, the most serious of which was “the crime of piracy as defined by the law of nations.” Though his father, speaking by telephone from Somalia, said Muse was only 15 years old, the judge declared he was an adult and ordered him held without bail.

But before he headed off to jail, Muse planned to take in the sights of the city and capitalize on his new-found fame.

“I want to see Empire State Building and Times Square,” Muse said. “I want to go to ESPN Zone and Museum of Modern Art and Apple store. I very hungry and want to have apple.”

Authorities made the unusual move to honor Muse’s request for a brief period of freedom before he likely spends the rest of his life behind bars. New York police detective Frederick Gallaway said he agreed to allow Muse one day of what he called “shore leave” before his imprisonment.

“Just look at the smile on that little guy’s face,” Gallaway said. “He’s so absolutely thrilled to be here that we just couldn’t bring ourselves to say no.”

Muse did a round of souvenir shopping in the midtown area, where he at first had a bit of difficulty purchasing the requisite “I (Heart) New York” caps and t-shirts. Merchants were reluctant to accept the $100,000 bill he presented for payment, though most eventually gave the items away when they saw the throng of reporters accompanying Muse.

Before heading downtown, Muse stopped by the studios of “The Regis and Kelly Show” for one of several television interviews he said he had scheduled.

“Regis keep asking how I felt winning Boston Marathon,” Muse said. “I say, ‘no, no, I am Somali, not Kenyan,’ but he just laugh. He funny funny man.”

Muse then took a taxi to the financial district after a brief and accidental detour through the Lower East Side. Cab driver Hakim Akbar, also a Somali native, let Muse take the wheel for the final half of the drive and “he took to the sidewalks and curbs like a natural,” Akbar said. “It is in the blood of our people.”

Muse made a brief visit to the floor of the New York Stock Exchange while on Wall Street. He was surprisingly well-versed in trading operations despite having no formal education and little contact with the outside world while in east Africa.

“Our pirate union had set us up with the 401(k),” Muse said. “I thought I was well-diversified and taking conservative approach to long-term growth, but still lost money. I wanted to shake my fist and put the ancient camel curse on Morgan Stanley.”

Muse next wanted to take the Staten Island Ferry to get some pictures of the Statute of Liberty and Ellis Island, but that plan was scrubbed by security officials for obvious reasons.

“He’s a freakin’ pirate, for cryin’ out loud,” said ferry captain Emmet Anderson. “Jeez.”

Muse ended his one day of freedom with a trip to Queens to see the day-night doubleheader at brand-new Citi Field between the Mets and the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Mets took the first game 4-1 with a strong two-hit performance by Johan Santana, but the Pirates rebounded to squeeze out an 8-7 win in the nightcap.

“The Bucs, they look good,” Muse said before returning to federal custody. “But that Santana, whoa. He a horse.”