Posts Tagged ‘Palin’

World War II, according to Sarah

June 8, 2011

In the midst of her tour of the Northeast, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin took time yesterday to visit a high school in Springfield, Vermont.

“With her recent comments concerning Paul Revere, we knew she was a student of history,” said Bob Scuggs, the principal who invited her. “We wanted to give a lesson on World War II to commemorate the anniversary of D-Day, and thought she might be the perfect guest lecturer for such a speech.”

The following is a transcript of Palin’s Tuesday lecture to about 300 students.

Well, I’m usually not one to be puttin’ a lot of stock in what the East Coast intellectual elites have to say, but in this case I have consulted My Big Little Golden Book of Twentieth-Century History. Don’t want all those pointy-headed pundits to be second-guessin’ my presentation today.

Most of the so-called experts trace the roots of World War II to the harsh reparations imposed on Germany after World War I, which was kinda like WW2 except that it had a one in it. The Treaty of Versace required the Germans to spend a lot more on high-fashion wardrobes than they normally would — like what McCain’s people did to me when I ran for vice-president — and it caused hyperinflation that ruined their economy. A loaf of bread, for example, might cost a zillion dollars. It’s not unlike what Obama has done to our gas prices today.

All this inflatin’ of prices created an unstable environment which encouraged Hitler’s rise to power. He was what they called a “national socialist,” or “Nazi,” and we all know how bad socialists are. But the German people were like, “Hey, what else are we supposed to do? Vote for a Democrat?”

Meanwhile, over there in Asia, the Japanese were invadin’ the Chinese, or maybe it was the other way around (after all, how could you tell the difference?) No, wait, it was the Japanese and they and their emperor, who they called “Hero Hito,” were lookin’ for natural resources in Manchuria, especially Chinese food, which could fuel their expansionist plans in the Pacific.

The Germans too were interested in expandin’. In particular, they needed water so, in 1939, they invaded Poland, lookin’ for those coveted Poland Springs. The British and the French weren’t goin’ to go for that, so their leaders stood up and declared “War!” and the great conflict began.

Hitler and his army blitzed across Europe, taking advantage of strong gun control laws in places like Belgium and Holland to defeat the Low-Landers. Meanwhile, in Italy, Fussolini came to power as a Fascist — an ideology that can be described as “Nazi Light” and yet contained a lot of good ideas we’re tryin’ out here in the ol’ Republican Party.

By the time France fell — they had drunk so much wine that they lost their balance — the English were in danger of an imminent invasion. They had managed to evacuate most of their army from the European mainland at Dunkirk, where the Germans pulled a “gotcha” and almost captured the entire Allied force. But the UK-ers would survive to fight another day, in what would become known as the Battle of Britain.

To soften up the English, which I wouldn’t have thought was necessary, but whatever, the Nazi Luft-Waffle (German for “a continental breakfast of death from the skies”) bombarded the British Isles. The brave Brits fought back as best they could, hurling bangers ‘n’ mash, fish ‘n’ chips, and tea ‘n’ crumpets at the low-flying attack planes. On the Eastern Front, the Germans invaded Russia, where the Communists used a tactic known as “stallin'” (in Russian, “Stalin”) to tie up the invaders before they could take Moscow.

By 1941, things looked bleak for the Allies. Matters only got worse by the end of the year, when the Japanese staged an unprovoked attack on Pearl Bailey, who was entertaining American troops in Hawaii. The beloved Broadway star survived but Congress was still mad as heck about it and — led by the Tea Party Caucus — issued a formal declaration bringing the U.S. into the fight.

In Europe, the Germans consolidated their gains. One of their attempts at social engineering during this period was known as the Holocaust. A little-known fact about this awful purge was that not only were Jews targeted and killed, but so were other minority groups, including rednecks and hillbillies. However, it was the Jews that got all the publicity, seein’ as how they controlled the lamestream media.

The tide slowly started to turn against the Axis powers. Hitler and his cronies mistakenly looked to science as an answer to their problems. They began experiments with rocketry and started researchin’ an atomic bomb. They even looked at other possible weapons of mass destruction, including a plot to unleash biological warfare on their enemies. By germin’ their foes, the Germans hoped to regain the upper hand.

Alas, all these plans failed, and it was too late before they realized they should’ve turned to God instead of science.

In 1944, some 67 years ago today, the Americans and British began an invasion of the continent that would come to be known as D-Day. Gen. Dwight Eisenhower, leader of the Allied forces who became a Republican-In-Name-Only president, later wrote about his intentions on that fateful day:

“We were to warn the Germans that we’re already there, that — hey — you’re not gonna succeed,” he wrote in his memoirs. “You’re not gonna take American arms. You’re not gonna beat our own well-armed persons, individual, private militia that we have. I’m gonna be ringin’ those bells and makin’ sure.”

In the Pacific, Gen. Douglas MacArthur was leading the charge to drive the Japanese out of a bunch of islands they had invaded. In the Philippines, which MacArthur had had to abandon several years earlier, he made good on his famous vow of “BRB” (or “be right back”) that he’d posted on his Facebook page. Soon, we were hopscotchin’ across Okinawa and Iwo Jima, headin’ for Japan.

The Germans finally fell in April 1945 when American soldiers disguised as Russians took Berlin. Holed up in his bunker, Hitler had no choice but to commit suicide, even though it’s a sin. Victory in Europe had been achieved!

It took about four months longer for us to knock some sense into the Japanese, which we did by atomic-bombing both the Hiroshimers and the Nagasaki-ites. When they saw the raw power of American ingenuity on display in the poisonous ruins around them, they texted their surrender to Washington.

World War II was over. We were gonna be sure we were gonna be free and we were gonna be armed.

Sarah Palin delivers her history lesson

An embarrassment of Sarahs

May 27, 2010

To paraphrase the Doris Day hit song from the 1950s, “Que Sarah Sarah.”

Whatever will be, will be … as long as that destiny includes a trio of lovely ladies with that most lovely of first names.

This week’s entertainment news saw three Sarah-licious figures hopping from coast to coast to coast, offering up their sassy take on why the world owes them its attention.

First off, it was Britain’s roly-poly royal, Lady Sarah Ferguson, further cementing her position as Tea Party icon with a rambling defense of a fellow babe running for governor of South Carolina. Ferguson, former Alaska honcho and GOP vice-presidential nominee in 2008, used her Facebook page to condemn allegations that the Palmetto State’s Nikki Haley had an extra-marital relationship in apparent contradiction of her strong pro-family values.

“Well, whaddya know? South Carolina’s conservative candidate recently zipped to the front in her state’s race for governor and, lo and behold, now accusations of an affair surface,” Ferguson wrote in her folksy style. “Unfortunately, that’s the nature of the beast in politics today — especially for conservative underdog candidates who threaten to shake things up so government can be put back on the side of the people. I’ve been there. Any lies told about you will strengthen your resolve to clean up lamestream media corruption.”

Then, a few days later, Lady Sarah was back on the front pages again, this time calling out a writer who moved in next door to her Wasilla home. Joe McGinnis, author of “The Selling of the President,” a classic of political journalism, is working on a book about the princess governor. He recently took up residence nearby to keep a look-out on the hot neighbor lady.

Ferguson wrote: “I finally got the chance to tackle my garden and lawn this evening! So, puttin’ on the shorts and tank top to catch that too-brief northern summer sun and placing Trig in his toddler backpack for a lawn-mowing adventure, I looked up in surprise to see a ‘new neighbor’. Todd went to introduce himself to the stranger who was peering in. He moved up from Massachusetts to write a book about me. We’re sure to have a doozey to look forward to with this treasure. Wonder what kind of material he’ll gather while overlooking Piper’s bedroom.”

Not to be outdone in the “no such thing as bad publicity” department, next up was actress Sarah Jessica Parker caught on hidden camera taking a bribe to gain access to her husband and to offer certain other favors.

Parker was captured on videotape receiving a suitcase packed with $40,000 by an undercover reporter conducting a sting operation. The film has since been released to the media.

“I hope this is enough to get me access to Matthew,” said the reporter’s voice, referring to Parker’s husband, Broadway actor Matthew Broderick.

“It should be plenty,” Parker is heard to say. “You probably could’a just walked right up to him on the street — he’s not as big a star as I am, ya know. But this’ll make things smoother.”

“Well, there’s more where that came from, if you care to play along,” says the reporter. “I’m authorized to offer another $700,000 if you’ll agree to have a bagoplasty and grant us exclusive coverage.”

“Bagoplasty?” asks an uncertain Parker.

“Yes, it’s the surgical implantation of a paper sack onto your neck and upper shoulders, completing encasing your hideous head,” the reporter continues.

“Gee, I don’t know,” says a tentative Parker. “I do need the money …”

Finally, the end of the week saw the debut of Sarah Louise Palin in her big-budget follow-up to last year’s monster movie hit. “Sex and the City 2,” which shows America’s favorite cougars prowling the deserts of the Middle East, may not have been a favorite of critics given an early preview —

“Some of these people make my skin crawl,” wrote film reviewer Roger Ebert. “The characters are flyweight bubbleheads living in a world which rarely requires three sentences in a row.”

“One wrong-headed jaw-dropper follows the next,” said another critic. “The climax has the ladies escaping an angry male mob by wearing hijabs given to them by like-minded Muslim women. An affront to Islam.”

“By the time they ride camels, it’s ‘Ishtar’ in designer gowns,” wrote a third.

But it’s sure to resonate with that segment of the audience that loves shopping, glamour, designer duds and poofy hair.

Palin, making the rounds of late-night talk shows in a high-energy promotion blitz, defended the movie, which opens this weekend.

“Those gotcha guys never have anything positive to say about strong women in strong roles,” Palin told Jay Leno.

Leno then pressed Palin to name other films that drew a similar prejudice.

“Well, let’s see. There’s — of course in the great history of America there have been movies that there’s never going to be absolute consensus by every American,” Palin said. “And there are those issues, again, like ‘Monsters vs. Aliens’, which I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know, going through the history of America, there would be others but –”

Meanwhile, actress Sarah Michelle Gellar, singer Sarah McLachlan and comedian Sarah Silverman, held a joint press conference to say “hey, don’t forget about us.”

Sorry, gals, but you can’t compete with the holy trinity of Sarahs making us joyfully hum another ancient ditty — Hall and Oates’ classic “Sarah Smile” — all this week.