Posts Tagged ‘Jesus’

Direct-mail prophecy from the Lord

May 10, 2009

Yesterday, I posted the contents of a direct-mail solicitation that was received at a vacant house near mine. It contained an introductory letter (mostly capital letters, actually) about how the occupant of this home had been specially selected for redemption, if only they’d return a postcard. There was also a special, customized, sealed prophecy that you were only to open once you had returned the postcard.

Today, I reprint the warning on the outside of the prophecy, the prophecy itself, and some contents of the postcard. If you get tired of the preachy part, skip to the end and “check out” the handy checklist of things to be prayed for on the postcard.

Warning:

IMPORTANT – Only break open this sealed prophecy after you have put this postcard and your prayer requests back in the mail to this 58-year-old church ministry. If for any reason you are not going to return this Church Prayer Card then this sacred philosophy must be destroyed — unopened and unread — because this is a sacred, spiritual prophecy, sealed word, concerning you and your future. Please do not open these prophecies until after you have sent your Prayer Card back in the mail before sunset tomorrow, or the next day. God will help you do this.

Prophecy:

These “Prophetic Words” are given through inspiration of the Holy Spirit to help you be aware of blessing changes coming into your life. People are hungry for spiritual guidance. Unfortunately many are turning to the wrong place. Psychics, mediums and clairvoyants have no place in God’s plan for your life. The only true source of information about the future is God’s word and his Holy Spirit prophecy is not given to make you curious about the future, but to motivate you to live for God today. Prophecy is a frequent theme in the Bible and a solid foundation of our faith. As you read this prophetic word, your faith can be stimulated and strengthened, and your spirit can be infused in a divine manner. Tell us if this is you and your life or not.

PROPHETIC WORD GIVEN FOR YOUR SPIRITUAL EDIFICATION

My child, receive in your heart and spirit these words for time is moving quickly. I have revealed to you that there is a greater purpose in your life than you have yet discovered. It is my purpose that many mysteries be opened to you. No mystery can be withheld from the mind that is open to my spirit.

Even now you are facing a decision that must be made. My spirit is at work instilling in you a new, greater understanding in the way I am directing you. There are many things which you need to know, but this can only come through your careful, consistent and persistent communication with me.

It is time for you to set new goals in your life. You cannot be happy with life unchanged. The new goals I am helping you establish can remove apathy. You are being set free from the feeling of inadequacy, and a new enthusiasm is being created. This may, in turn, release and regenerate power into your spirit.

The power to speak blessings into you own life is in you. You must discover the ways to use this power. As you daily seek me in prayer, understanding of the gifts in you will come forth, and the evidence of this will become apparent to those around you.

Due to my spirit working in you, greater control of the present and future plans can be at your fingertips. You may feel inner power growing because of your closeness to me. New boldness is being birthed even now. As you are obedient to my instruction, my spirit will create in you awareness of which steps to take and which steps you should not take, concerning plans you have made and those you are still to make. I will direct your steps, and the path I lead you on can take you away from those who would damage the plans I have for you and take you toward the path that leads to the fulfillment you seek. (Editor’s Note: What??)

My dear child, I have much joy planned for you. As you remain faithful in your seed sowing into my kingdom, surely you shall be blessed. Be not weary in well doing, for you shall have your promised reward. I say unto you, meditate on these things I have said, for you shall see them with your own eyes (Joel 2:28,29). Amen.

Postcard:

Dear Prayer Family: Yes, I do want prayer for my needs (checked below) and, please mail me one of those GOLDEN PROSPERITY FAITH CROSSES FREE OF CHARGE.

  • Pray for my finances
  • I need a job
  • Pray for my blood pressure
  • Pray for me to be saved
  • I’m saved but I need a closer walk with Jesus
  • Pray for me, I’m worried
  • Pray for my loved ones
  • Pray for me to receive a continuous money blessing
  • List other needs you have

Direct mail from the Lord

May 9, 2009

The following letter arrived recently at a vacant house near me.

Greetings in Jesus’ name to someone in this home who needs God’s help!

God has laid your address on my heart. I just feel that someone at this address needs prayer for God’s help. Could this be you?

We are a group of praying people who have experienced something so beautiful in our lives that we just have to tell others how happy we are. Our reason for being on this earth to help people in every way we can.

We have prayed over every word in this letter before MAILING IT TO YOUR ADDRESS. WE FELT THE HOLY SPIRIT LEADING US TO PRAY FOR SOMEONE AT THIS ADDRESS AND TO MAIL THIS BEAUTIFUL, BLESSED, GOLDEN, METAL PROSPERITY CROSS TO YOU. IT IS FREE! Do not send any money for it.

It is a beautiful piece of Christian jewelry that can last a lifetime. You can wear it around your neck or just carry it with you. We have prayed over it, according to St. Matthew 18:19. It is beautiful, and you will just love yours. If you ever lose it, we will replace it free of charge, regardless of how many times you lose it. It is designed for Baptists, Methodists, Pentecostals, Catholics and others. Even if you do not go to church, please write. For more than 58 years, I have been a minister. I want to pray for you and be a blessing to you.

DO YOU NEED HELP? DO YOU NEED PRAYER? ARE YOU TROUBLED? ARE YOU LONELY? DO YOU NEED A CONTINUOUS FLOW OF MONEY BLESSINGS? By faith, I want to mail this GOLDEN CROSS OF PROSPERITY to you. As I have mentioned, do not send money for this cross, or the other SPIRITUAL GIFT THAT WE WANT TO SEND YOU. THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE!

Please complete the enclosed postcard. If you have a prayer request, just check this card, letting me know that you desire prayer. As soon as we receive this postcard back from you, we will mail your free Prosperity Cross, which has been prayed over, to you. We will also pay for the postage for you.

Please read the beautiful testimonials from people just like you. They have been truly blessed with more love, joy, peace and more money. They have been greatly blessed because they have started praying this “Holy Bible way!”

There is so much for you to enjoy in life when you look to Jesus Christ as your total Answer. God put you on this earth for a reason. He wants to bless you and meet your spiritual, physical and financial needs. Remember, God loves you.

This letter is from the heart of a minister who has been preaching the Bible and helping people for over half a century and who loves Jesus Christ with all of his heart. I want to help you with any problems you may be facing, just as we have helped so many others through prayer. Write for your free prosperity cross today! DO NOT SEND ANY MONEY FOR IT. IT IS FREE. We just want to be a blessing to you. In a few days after we receive your postcard, you will be receiving your beautiful Prosperity Cross and another spiritual gift that we believe will be a blessing to you for a lifetime, especially financially. We believe in God’s blessing, based on the Bible (St. John 5:14)

P.S. Read your Holy Ghost faith instructions on the enclosed sealed prophecy only after you have mailed this postcard back to the church for your blessed Deuteronomy 8:18 Prosperity Cross.

Some of the testimonials:

“God blessed me with a home and a gas station.”

“After I received the Cross God blessed me with $1,000.35. I was so far behind, I was almost broke.”

“You prayed and God healed me of cancer and then this lady passed away and left my name on her will. She left me a beautiful 7-room house, 2 automobiles (I can’t even drive) and $9,780.”

“I was in need of $2,492 for income tax. God blessed me the next day.”

“I wrote to you asking you to pray that God would bless me with a larger house. God answered my prayer by blessing me with a beautiful three-apartment building. It is called a triplex, because there are three separate apartments in it and I own them all.”

Tomorrow, I open the sealed prophecy that I’m not supposed to open until I have sent in the postcard.

A revisit to NextLevel Church

April 26, 2009

A little while back, I reprinted an article about a local church that described itself as “rock ‘n’ roll-style,” and had spent large parts of its Easter service Twittering about members’ love for the Lord. The Next Level Church includes a number of creative twenty- and thirty-somethings who aren’t interested in evangelical churches that focus on what they call “the me-God relationship, with services full of prom songs to Jesus.” Instead, they wish to be with-it hepcats, as we fity- and sixty-somethings used to call them.

Today, I’m going to look a little closer at the Next Level Church through the blog they maintain on their website, nextlevelchurch.org. Here are some highlights:

–In an economy like this, it flat out doesn’t make sense to give things away for free. I went to lunch yesterday at SubStation 2, which is AMAZING by the way, and they charged me 10 cents for water and 10 cents for ice. And that totally makes sense to me. (The name SubStation 2, however, does not make sense to me. Was there a SubStation 1? Is the sequel better than the original, which RARELY is the case? If history proves correct, there is a SubStation 1 out there that is the Mecca of sub shops. And I’m sure if I simply googled SubStation this mystery and my ignorance would be erased. I choose, however, to savor the unknown). My point is this: giving away free stuff just doesn’t make sense. Everyone is hurting financially and people should charge money for whatever people will pay for. Uh-oh. We have a problem. Next Level Church is an organization that exists to help people take their next step in their relationship with God, whatever that step is. Our teaching on the weekend is specifically geared towards helping people connect with God. We record these teachings every week on CD. Dilemma! To sell or not to sell?!

The week after Easter is traditionally one of the most “dead” weeks of the year at church. Well yesterday, you never would’ve known it was the week after church. Our volunteers were sharp and energized. The worship team did an incredible job with a tough Rascal Flatts tune – even being guys who don’t like country. The new high school service was borderline insane. (Actually, it WAS insane. As part of a game I drank an entire McDonald’s Happy Meal that had been blended up into a shake. It tasted like puke long before any of it came back up. Needless to say, the students LOVED it.) You guys rock!

–We continue to get notes and emails from around the country as media attention to our Easter Twitter experiment has spread. I love the unintended consequences of this sort of thing. Go God!

–The whole Twitter experiment hit hard (in a good way) this week! What’s that? You demand evidence?! Fine. Exhibit A: Check out the front page of the Charlotte Observer, fools!! Exhibit B: Check the local news, suckers!! Exhibit C: We were on CNN, what now!! Exhibit D: And Creative Loafing, woot woot!! (I’m not linking to their website because it can be a wee bit inappropriate). Your participation in the Twitter experiment allowed thousands of people disconnected from God and His Church to hear about Next Level. And on top of that everyone in people’s twitter-spheres (I just made that word up) heard about the amazing things God is doing.

–Easter Sunday was pretty fantastic. Pastor Todd kicked butt, and the band flat-out rocked. Here’s some background on how the service was planned: Harrison picks out music for the Easter service. His original choice, “Circus” by Britney Spears, is chided by the rest of the staff. Instead we decide to play “Come Alive” by the Foo Fighters and “Magnificent” by U2. Decision is made to film the Schweigers for a FamReality promo video. Orders pre-teen brothers to fight each other on film for a truly churchy moment. Band practice irons out all the kinks in Easter songs. Drummer threw down some hot beats. We are mad impressed and ready for Sunday.

It seemed like only yesterday…

April 13, 2009

FRIEND: Jay, are you in there?

JAY: Mmmph. Go away.

FRIEND: C’mon, man. You gotta get up. Let me in, dude.

JAY: Hang on, hang on. I’m comin’.

FRIEND: What are you doing, man? Why are you still in bed? Aren’t you supposed to start your new job today?

JAY: I guess I slept through my alarm. Man, I feel awful. This is Saturday, right?

FRIEND: No, this is Sunday. Dude, did you sleep all day yesterday?

JAY: I guess I did. Last thing I remember it was Friday night. Man, it was a rough week. I can’t believe I slept almost the entire weekend.

FRIEND: Well let me at least help you get ready. I’ll put on some coffee while you start getting dressed. You can still make it in time if you hurry. Jeez, what is that smell? It’s like somebody died in here.

JAY: Sorry, I guess I let the place go a little. Haven’t had much chance to clean with all that was going on last week.

FRIEND: You can’t screw up this new gig, you know? This is the big promotion you worked so hard for. The job is a breeze and the benefits are fabulous. You’ve already done all the hard stuff to get there … you can’t blow it now.

JAY: I know, I know. You’re right. Thanks for helping, man. Let me grab my shirt. Ow! Oh, man, what did I do Friday night? My shoulders are killing me. I think one might be dislocated.

FRIEND: I didn’t stay as late as you did. You were just hanging out when I left. I don’t know what happened after that, but you look to me like you’ve been through Hell and back.

JAY: I gotta tell you, it’s all a haze to me. I barely remember anything about Friday at all. Seems I was being chased by some Italian guys – maybe Mafia – and the next thing I knew I was up in front of this big crowd, and I was supposed to give some kind of presentation but I was unprepared.

FRIEND: Were you wearing your underwear?

JAY: Yes, I was! How did you know?

FRIEND: Typical anxiety dream. You’re just worried about this job.

JAY: I don’t know – it seemed pretty real, but maybe not.

FRIEND: Last time we really talked was on Thursday, at that big dinner we had with all the guys. I wonder if you got some kind of food poisoning. Did you feel OK after that?

JAY: You know, I do remember being a little queasy. I wonder if we got some bad fish or something. But everybody else seemed alright, didn’t they?

FRIEND: From what I could tell they did. That jackass Jude cut out early and he did look a little shaken as he left, but he wasn’t green or anything like that. You left early too, right?

JAY: Yeah, I remember thinking I needed to go out and get some fresh air. I went and hung out at that park for a while and … wait, now I remember … I got busted by the cops! I remember they were just hassling me at first, giving me a hard time about talking to myself. Then they hauled me away.

FRIEND: Jesus Christ! This could really mess you up with your new job, man. If they find out you’ve got a record, they may not want you after all.

JAY: I gotta get in there fast and try to cover up as much as I can. How did I get myself into such a mess, anyway? I don’t know even know if I want this job. I can’t believe I have to work on Sundays.

FRIEND: From what you told me last week, Sundays are your busiest days. But you said you got Mondays and Tuesdays off. Maybe this first day will just be an orientation kind of thing – get your ID badge, get your email set up, etc. Maybe they won’t work you that hard. What’s that noise?

JAY: Hang on, I’m getting a text message. Ah, heck, I don’t have time for this. It’s Mary Mag – she said she’s on her way over.

FRIEND: She’s probably worried about you, man. You disappear for three days like that and your friends are going to wonder if you’re okay.

JAY: Let’s hurry. Maybe we can still get out before she gets here. I bet she brings that Thomas guy she’s been hanging out with lately. Man, I hate that guy – he’s always poking me in the side and laughing, just giving me a hard time.

FRIEND: Here’s a tie you can wear. You can put it on while we’re on the way.

JAY: Grab me a toaster strudel too, will ya? I’ll eat it cold. I’ve got to get there on time and make a good impression. If I can make it in this job, who knows how high up I might get the next time they’re looking for a top executive.

FRIEND: And it’s only a limited-time contract you’ve got, right? Just 40 days — isn’t that what you told me?

JAY: Well, that’s when the probationary period is over, yeah. I’m not real sure what happens after that, but surely I can hang on and do almost anything for 40 days. The job description I read was pretty vague and didn’t sound that hard – mostly making a few personal appearances, then a chance to move upstairs.

FRIEND: You’re right. How hard can that be? And there’s a fatty paycheck too, right?

JAY: I think they said something about my reward being in the next world. It’s related to how the deferred compensation packages are structured.

FRIEND: Alright, you look good to me. Let’s hit the road. If we hit all the lights, you’ll make it right on time.

JAY: Man, thanks a million for all you’ve done. I never would’ve made it without you.

FRIEND: Christ, you’re something else.