NFL’s All-Funny-Name Team

It’ll be a while before the cream rises to the top of the National Football League and fans are able to name an All-Pro team for 2011.

In the interim, I’ve selected an all-star team based on players’ names and how funny and/or unusual they are.

Please enjoy this collection of the NFL’s All-Funny-Name Team.

OFFENSE

Quarterback — Sage Rosenfels, N.Y. Giants

Running backs — Tyler Clutts, Chicago Bears; Vonta Leach, Baltimore Ravens

Receivers — Michael Hoomanawanui, St. Louis Rams; Bear Pascoe, N.Y. Giants; Seyi Ajirotutu, Carolina Panthers

Offensive linemen — Ed Wang, Buffalo Bills; Richie Incognito, Miami Dolphins; Guy Whimper, Jacksonville Jaguars; Gosder Cherilus, Detroit Lions; Uche Nwaneri, Jacksonville Jaguars 

DEFENSE

Defensive linemen — Frostee Rucker, Cincinnati Bengals; Ziggy Hood, Pittsburgh Steelers; Leger Douzable, Jacksonville Jaguars; C.J. Ay You, St. Louis Rams

Linebackers — Kaluka Maiava, Cleveland Browns; Koa Misi, Miami Dolphins; Frank Zombo, Green Bay Packers

Defensive backs — Tom Zbikowski, Baltimore Ravens; Atari Bigby, Seattle Seahawks; Prince Amukamara, N.Y. Giants; Chimdi Chekwa, Oakland Raiders

SPECIAL TEAMS

Punter — Zoltan Mesko, New England Patriots

Kicker — Ryan Succop, Kansas City Chiefs

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Roddrick Muckelroy, Cincinnati Bengals
Domata Peko, Cincinnati Bengals
Ahtyba Rubin, Cleveland Browns
Willie Colon, Pittsburgh Steelers
Ikaika Alama-Francis, Miami Dolphins
Ras-I Dowling, New England Patriots
Ropati Pitoitua, N.Y. Jets
Israel Idonije, Chicago Bears
Maurice Morris, Detroit Lions
Vic So’oto, Green Bay Packers
Devin Aromashodu, Minnesota Vikings
Tashard Choice, Dallas Cowboys
Chris Snee, N.Y. Giants
Moise Fokou, Philadelphia Eagles
Oshiomogho Atogwe, Washington Redskins
Sav Rocca, Washington Redskins
John Chick, Jacksonville Jaguars
Cecil Shorts, Jacksonville Jaguars
Elvis Dumervil, Denver Broncos
Sabby Piscitelli, Kansas City Chiefs
Jon Condo, Oakland Raiders
Jacquizz Rodgers, Atlanta Falcons
Legedu Naanee, Carolina Panthers
Jeremy Zuttah, Tampa Bay Bucs
Will Tukuafu, San Francisco 49ers

Guy Whimper. YOU want to tell him his name is funny?

NFL is back, (almost) better than ever

NFL teams returned to the gridiron this weekend to the delight of football-starved fans across the country.

Unfortunately, the shortened training camp caused by the three-month lockout had both players and coaches running ragged. Though the games were only pre-season exhibition matches, the effects of the prolonged hiatus on the quality of play were apparent.

In Thursday’s games:

The Philadelphia Eagles, viewed by many as the NFC’s team to beat this year, won a tight defensive battle with the Baltimore Ravens, 13-6, despite much of the team taking the field wearing baseball uniforms.

“I knew I played one of the three major professional sports, I just forgot which one,” said embarrassed quarterback Michael Vick, sporting a Phillies uniform. “As soon as I got knocked down on the third play of the game, I remembered I’m supposed to be wearing a helmet.”

Vick threw for 74 yards and a touchdown in the single series he played. His throwing motion appeared somewhat hampered by the first-baseman’s mitt he wore on his left hand. However, his receivers still managed to get open, even though some spent much of the first half sliding cleats-up into the goalposts instead of running their assigned routes.

“I’m really proud of how our defense played,” said Eagles coach Andy Reid. “I’m not sure our pass rush will be as effective when our linemen are no longer able to beat their offensive counterparts with baseball bats. Still, it was a good-if-bloody start to the season.”

The New England Patriots, another pre-season favorite to go deep into the playoffs, overwhelmed the Jacksonville Jaguars, 47-12.

This time it was the Jaguars who seemed unprepared. Patriots rookie quarterback Brian Hoyer went 15-of-21 passing, possibly benefitting from Jaguar players who seemed more concerned with hissing, growling and making other cat noises than in playing an effective 3-4 defense.

“I believe they must’ve thought they were actual jaguars out there,” Hoyer said. “They weren’t able to react to their own defensive audibles because they were largely indecipherable. I was just glad I could still find my targets amidst the defensive backs crawling on all fours out there.”

In Friday’s games:

The Detroit Lions crushed the Cincinnati Bengals 34-3. The Bengals seemed even more chronically inept than usual after the long layoff.

The Bengals managed just 205 total yards on offense, due in part to the fact that they ran the same offensive formation throughout the first quarter.

“I could hardly believe it when they emerged from the huddle and lined up in one long single-file queue behind the ball,” said Lions coach Jim Schwartz. “It looked like the DMV out there. They just couldn’t keep up with their blocking in that alignment.”

The Bengals did make some adjustments after the first series — running offensive sets that included a “ring-around-the-rosey” circle and a flash-mob dance of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” — but by then the Lions enjoyed a 24-0 lead.

The Miami Dolphins edged the Atlanta Falcons 28-23 despite the fact that many of the Dolphin players failed to have their dreadlocks in mid-season form.

Rather than the long strands of hair flowing down the back of their uniforms, many instead sported mullets, live raccoons and carpet samples stuffed into their helmets as substitutes for the flowing locks they had become famous for.

Falcons coach Mike Smith complained to officials that the raccoons, which got lose several times during the game, distracted his players into tackling the wrong creature.

“That’s something we’re going to have to work on to be ready for the regular season,” Smith said. “I guess small woodland creatures have become a part of the game, and we have to modify our defensive sets accordingly.”

In Saturday’s games:

The Cleveland Browns bested the defending Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers by a score of 27-17.

The Pack kept it close during the first half but faded in the second, when the effects of poorly executed celebratory chest bumps caused numerous injuries.

“We can’t be bumping heads with the same intensity that we bump chests,” said Packer coach Mike McCarthy. “That seemed to create a lot of concussions among our guys.”

Helmets protected some of the players from the severe head-on-head cracks. However others — who arrived at the stadium with their helmets on backwards, trying to see out of the two small ventilation holes in the back — avoided concussions only because they avoided the game itself, instead wandering around in the parking lot.

The Carolina Panthers defeated the New York Giants 20-10 in a game that featured the NFL debut of number-one draft pick Cam Newton.

Newton did not start at quarterback but did put up some impressive numbers while he was in the game. He was relieved in the third quarter by his father.

“We knew from the controversy at Auburn that his father would be closely involved in his son’s career,” said Panther coach Ron Rivera, alluding to the elder Newton’s attempts to solicit a cash payment for his son to play at another school. “But we didn’t expect him to take the field and actually play. We might’ve guessed that was going to happen if only we’d had a few more practice sessions.”

Several other games also saw confusion resulting from the shortened training camps.

The Arizona-Oakland matchup ran three hours longer than a normal game because Raider players gathered in the huddle thought they were conducting a botany experiment rather than planning their next offensive play.

“I thought we had a team project to measure how many separate grass plants were growing in each square meter of sod,” said Raider running back Michael Bennett. “I had forgotten all about our West Coast offense.”

In the Washington-Pittsburgh game, the opening kickoff was marred by the return team’s attempt to advance the ball down the field by soccer-kicking it to each other.

“I didn’t know we were allowed to use our hands,” said return specialist Chris Hadley. “Is that something new this year?”

Even on the periphery of the nation’s favorite spectator sport there was confusion. When Tennessee defeated Minnesota 14-3, new Titans coach Mike Munchak had a cooler-full of human growth hormone (HGH) poured onto his head rather than the usual Gatorade bath. The long-time offensive line coach, promoted to the top position during the off-season, quickly grew to over a hundred feet tall and rampaged through the stadium, killing 12 and injuring 34.

And, in what has almost become an annual rite of summer, Packer legend Brett Favre reported to a local high school in his home state of Mississippi to work out with the team in hopes of impressing an NFL squad to sign him. But even a veteran like Favre was obviously out-of-sorts after the long lockout.

“He started launching passes at the marching band,” said school principal Paul Poole. “I guess he didn’t know we had moved the football team indoors because of the heat.”

Favre was oblivious to the confusion, however, bragging to ESPN’s Rachel Nichols that he may have lost a step, but that his accuracy is better than ever.

“I put just about every ball I threw squarely into the sousaphone,” Favre bragged. “I am definitely back on my game.”

Lesson 1: This is a football

Pittsburgh defeats Green Bay; hundreds feared dead

A rugged ground attack combined with a barrage of aerial firepower led Pittsburgh to defeat Green Bay in a classic match-up last night.

Not long after the Packers’ 31-25 defeat of the Steelers in Super Bowl XLV, the invasion began. It’s not often in modern America that one city militarily attacks another, but yesterday’s onslaught showed what can happen when civic pride gets taken to an extreme, and fans of losing sports teams think of creative ways to vent their frustration.

Armed regiments from the Steel City’s Golden Triangle, South Side and Brookline neighborhoods conducted a pincer movement on the northeast Wisconsin city, blitzing to an easy triumph over outmanned forces. By early this morning, Green Bay Mayor James J. Schmitt had been captured by the Pitt army, and large areas of Brown, Kewaunee and Oconto counties lay in smoldering ruin.

“They were just too much for us to handle,” said Green Bay city councilman Arthur Hofstra, who barely escaped down U.S. 41 as his hometown fell to superior forces. “Their population is about 20 times ours. Our people fought bravely to hold off the invasion but in the end, all they could do was negotiate a ceasefire and surrender.”

Hofstra and two other councilmen set up a government-in-exile, operating out of the Holiday Inn Express in Appleton, Wisc., about 40 miles south of Green Bay. A small band of resistance fighters staged training exercises in the hotel conference room while their families enjoyed the free continental breakfast in the lobby early Monday morning. Some held out hope they’d soon be able to return to their homeland, while others were more resigned to a semi-permanent occupation of their former town.

“I’d like to think the United Nations might be able to at least send a peace-keeping force, to halt the brutality of their soldiers,” Hofstra said. “But their conquest was so total, I’m not sure we’ll be able to turn them back.”

The attack began late Sunday when a company of about 4,000 Pittsburghers approached the city from the south while another 3,000 invaders came pouring in through Michigan’s Upper Peninsula to assault the city from the north. Blocks of pig iron were catapulted into the city from ships located just offshore in Lake Michigan. Wielding swords, machetes and axes made of heat-tempered steel, the fighters easily overpowered Green Bay citizens who attempted to defend themselves with plastic wrap commandeered from the area’s meat-packing plants.

Many in the Wisconsin city of about 100,000 donned their iconic cheeseheads in a desperate attempt to protect themselves, but the heavy metallic weaponry sliced through the cheese like a warm knife through butter. By early this morning, bodies littered the downtown area around Bay Park Square, with the odor of death only slightly mitigated by a pleasant cheddar-y smell.

Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl defended his city’s attack on a remote location hundreds of miles across the Great Lakes. He said preemptive action was necessary because of reports that Green Bay was developing weapons of mass destruction.

“We’ve built a very modern, very healthy city in recent years, but many of our people are lactose-intolerant,” Ravenstahl said. “We could not afford to stand by and watch while a foreign power built an arsenal of dairy products that could bring us to our knees.”

Ravenstahl also noted that Green Bay’s form of government, in which an unelected city manager appointed by the council has broad powers, did not give fair representation to its people.

“We have a democratically elected city government that helps protect our basic freedoms,” he said. “We sympathized with the people of Green Bay living under a virtual dictatorship, and were willing to send troops to help them achieve their freedom. City and county services must be consolidated, especially in areas such as finance, human resources and information technology.”

Ravenstahl said his city’s occupation of Green Bay would be as benign as possible, though he did promise a decisive response to pockets of insurgents still hiding out in the East Town Mall and in areas around Lambeau Field.

“Remnants of the old regime must be crushed, so we can move the city toward eventual free elections,” he said.

Ravenstahl pointed to previous campaigns waged by Pittsburgh in recent history as indications that an eventual withdrawal would take place once the enemy was fully pacified.

“We don’t want to make the same mistake we made in the seventies,” he said. “In 1976, we attacked and defeated Dallas, then brought our troops home a year later, only to have to return in 1979 to put down another uprising.”

He said he hopes to repeat the model established in 2006 versus Seattle and in 2009 versus Arizona, where a heavy military presence was slowly reduced while the two areas experimented with democratic values. Troops were finally removed from Seattle in early 2010, though Pittsburgh officials have discussed annexing Arizona as “New Southwest Pittsburgh” to provide lebensraum, or “living space,” for western Pennsylvanians looking to escape the region’s notoriously cold winters.

“We have settlements in the desert there that must be protected,” Ravenstahl said.

Red Cross officials on the scene dealing with the dead and wounded were able to offer a preliminary count of casualties by early Monday morning. They said 39 Pittsburghers were killed in the fighting and 177 Green Bay citizens lost their lives.

“Alright!” exclaimed Bradley Smith, who followed the fighting on TV throughout the day Sunday. “I had ‘9’ and ‘7’ in the office pool. I won $300!”

This Green Bay monument to the nation's first ShopKo store was toppled by liberating forces shortly after this picture was taken.

Revisited: Sportswriters look for feel-good stories

MIAMI (Jan. 25) — With the matchup now set for pro football’s Super Bowl, members of the media have begun their desperate annual search for the “up close and personal” angle that will portray aggressive hulking millionaires as the kind of human beings we can all relate to, even though we’re pitifully inferior to them.

Unfortunately for sportswriters, family and friends of NFL players are generally in good health, thanks to of modern medical techniques that keep most people from hovering near death. Colts wide receiver Pierre Garcon’s parents are originally from Haiti, a promising lead in light of the tragedy that struck that nation. But it’s expected that by the February game, the devastating Caribbean earthquake will be so Jan. 12, and therefore out of the news cycle. Saints quarterback Drew Brees knew a guy who knew a guy who thought he had AIDS there for a minute, but it turned out he just had smudged some toner on his face.

Preliminary reports by writers already investigating players’ backgrounds hint at some of what we could be seeing in the run-up to the Big Game.

The spotlight could be falling on the ill-fated brother of Colts QB Peyton Manning, a young man named Eli who has endured numerous severe beatings in the last five months while in New York. The younger Manning had hoped to carve out a career for himself in the NFL, but instead ended up being repeatedly ambushed by street-wise toughs despite a contingent of burly but inept bodyguards.

“It’s a really sad story,” said ESPN writer John Rich. “He had such a promising future a few years back, but it all came crashing down.”

Saints cornerback Malcolm Jennings might do a good job arousing sympathy. Several in his immediate family have seen recent hardship, including a brother who lost his cell phone, a nephew who got short-changed by a vending machine, and a health scare recently experienced by his father.

“He had a thing on his neck that was kind of crusty and misshapen, like a scab but yellow around the edges,” said a friend of the family. “We thought for a while it might be malignant. It wasn’t.”

Colts tight end Justin Snow has a sister who was thought to be battling cancer. Snow said she received a note from her doctor following an annual physical that she needed to get treatment for a “canker,” but the physician’s handwriting was so bad she thought it said “cancer.”

“I was really worried there for a day or so, and I thought about dedicating the NFC championship game to her,” Snow said. “Fortunately, the confusion was cleared up pretty quickly. Good thing too, because I didn’t get into the game since I’m not that good.”

Saints linebacker Marvin Mitchell actually did lose his mother to heart disease about ten years ago, though he was in junior high school at the time and no one could foresee he’d later be in such a premier game.

“I’ll always remember her final words. She said ‘ouch, cardiomyopathy sure does hurt.’ I’ll remember that forever,” Mitchell said. “I only wish she could’ve been here with me now so I could use her to get the sympathy of millions of Americans who will watch the pregame show.”

Like Garcon, Colts offensive tackle Charlie Johnson has a heart-rending Haiti connection. While on a honeymoon cruise in 2006, an on-shore excursion to an exclusive island off the coast of Cap Haitien had to be cancelled when not enough people signed up for it. Later that same day, the ship had some problems with its stabilizer, causing the deck to roll excessively in a mild storm.

“It almost felt like an earthquake. Sort of,” Johnson said. “I know the self-leveling pool table in the Windjammer Lounge was completely out of commission.”

Saints defensive end Bobby McCray is a native of New Orleans and still lives year-round in the city that was flooded by Hurricane Katrina. He has voiced strong support for the rebuilding of neighborhoods in the city’s hard-hit Ninth Ward, especially since he drives through there on the way to practice yet can no longer take a favorite short-cut.

“Those folks have been through a lot,” McCray said. “If they could only get that Bypass Bridge fully repaired, the whole community could be opened up to people like me passing through.”

There’s still a chance a more sympathetic story can be found before press coverage hits its peak by the end of this week. There was an unconfirmed report that one player had a cousin who was born without a head, and that another player feared his playing days could be cut short because he has severe osteoporosis and brittle bone disease, preventing him from ever blocking or tackling. The Colts defensive line coach thinks he hit something with his car in the dark the other night, and hopes it was only a dog or a deer.

“Every year we go through this search process, and every year we eventually find someone who’s vaguely sympathetic,” said writer Rich. “We can always use a player’s pet if we have to.”

More highlights from my mini-blog

Hiring Manager
Disney-ABC TV

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing this cover letter because I would like to be considered for the position of Regis Philbin with your organization. I understand that Mr. Philbin will be retiring soon, and ask that you consider my qualifications to replace him.

I am a highly trained crotchety old man and that is why I was very pleased to learn of this opening. I believe I would make an excellent addition to your staff.

I believe my extensive background in Word Perfect, Excel, Microsoft Outlook and Quark Xpress would be a good fit on the Live with [Name to Come] and Kelly show. I have done some television advertising acting for local businesses such as car dealerships and clothing boutiques. During my past experience I have handled a wide range of creative services, collaborating with peers, subordinates and vendors to produce marketing and other print communications. I am also equipped with good communication and editing skills.

I am the 1971 winner of the “Most Likely To Be On Television” award from Miami Norland High School. In 2002, I appeared in the background on the Today Show, waving my arms wildly as I stood on the street outside their studio. In 2008, I was arrested for bank fraud and had my mug shot appear on all three local television newscasts.

I have watched your show for a number of years and believe I would be a good match with Kelly. I am able to dumb down my conversational skills, I am not annoyed by the way she constantly tugs at the shoulders of her blouse, and I am not overly repulsed by her spindly arms and legs. I am familiar with the animal kingdom and would not confuse Ms. Ripa with a marmoset or lemur when she widens her eyes in amazement.

If you think I would be the right candidate for this job, then please arrange an interview for me as soon as possible. I am even able to relocate for this position, though I would prefer to use Skype for my daily appearances on the show. (Another qualification: I know how to use Skype).

Thanks for taking the time to consider my application.

+++

The Situation Room, CNN’s early-evening news program, should not be confused with The Situation’s room, the sleeping quarters of Jersey Shore‘s breakout male star, The Situation.

The CNN show features Wolf Blitzer, moving quickly from subject to subject, never stopping long enough to consider depth or analysis, but constantly looking at conflicts, violence, weaknesses of the flesh and moral decline. We see mobs of dissatisfied citizens, their fists piercing the air in a call for justice. All around them, civilization teeters on the brink of collapse while people think only of themselves, forsaking the greater good of their community.

To the contrary, on MTV’s Jersey Shore, we see “The Sitch,” moving quickly from subject to subject, never stopping long enough to consider depth or analysis, but constantly looking at conflicts, violence, weaknesses of the flesh and moral decline. We see mobs of dissatisfied citizens, their fists piercing the air in a call for justice. All around them, civilization teeters on the brink of collapse while people think only of themselves, forsaking the greater good of their community.

Wolf

A wolf

+++

HOLLYWOOD (Jan. 17) — Reaction to Ricky Gervais’ scathing performance at last night’s Golden Globes ceremony continued to pour in today, as the entertainment industry’s elite licked their wounds following the British comedian’s comments.

“He’s mean,” said Johnny Depp. “I’m telling my mom.”

“They say that sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you,” offered Angelina Jolie. “Well, I’m hurt. I’m really hurt. And Brad, well, he’s ready to kick Ricky’s ass.”

Gervais used the annual awards ceremony to call out a number of celebrities he felt needed to be brought down a peg. He labelled Robert Downey Jr. a “poopy-head,” Tom Hanks “ugly,” Tim Allen “wretched and deformed” and Reese Witherspoon “Drew Barrymore.” He said Will Smith “should be beheaded” and that the family of Anne Hathaway “should be exiled to Siberia and their farmland laden with salt.”

“I don’t know why everyone is so upset. It was all in good fun,” Gervais said. “When I say that Bruce Willis is bald and untalented, or that the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press is not fit to walk among us, I’m just stating the facts.”

Insiders disagreed that the comments were all in fun, and doubted Gervais would be invited to return next year.

“That… that was so unfair,” said action star Sylvester Stallone between sobs. “How would he like it if we said the same things to him? He’d be crying too.”

+++

Do you think the young actor in the often-shown Advil Cold Formula commercial will be putting “Mucus Man” on his resume?

It might work for his next acting gig, but I’m not too sure how it would go over if he opts instead to enter the corporate world.

+++

As my college-age son plays Madden ’11 NFL on his Xbox, and I sit nearby feigning interest, I can’t help but marvel at all the options available to game players. Not only can you select the teams and manage run versus pass calls, you can even select less-critical factors like the weather and what holiday the game is being played on.

I’m already looking forward to Madden ’12 (I’m told I can pre-order now for August 12 delivery, if I care to pointlessly tie up $60 for the next seven months). Here are some new options I’m hoping they offer:

• type of celebratory bath given to coach (Gatorade, ice water, herbal tea, a nice ’06 Riesling, jet fuel)
• accuracy of spelling of players’ names on their jerseys (Ben Wrothlisburger, Michael Vik, Chad Ochosinquo)
• length of field (100 yards, 1 foot, 300 miles)
• type of player ambulation (running, walking, skipping, sauntering, ambling, staggering, marching)
• length of game (30 minutes, 1 hour, until Madden ’12 comes out)
• coaches (current NFL coaches, living former presidents, real housewives, Norse gods)
• player headwear (helmets, top hats, headbands, bad toupees)
• player size (Lilliputian, gargantuan, sub-microscopic)
• team nicknames (the Horsies, the Lemurs, the Squirrels, the GOP House Majority)
• announcer voices (Alvin the Chipmunk, James Earl Jones, Oprah, Stephen Hawking)
• types of player injuries (ACL strain, measles, third-degree burns, ileal colitis, boo-boo that really hurts)
• how injured players are removed from the field (motorized gurney, golf cart, Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s Number 88 car, Segway, dragged kicking and screaming)
• restroom availability for fans (plentiful, barely sufficient, entire stadium is jiggling their legs)
• types of concessions available (standard stadium food, roots and berries, glue, fingernails, Lean Cuisine Swedish meatballs)
• crowd enthusiasm level (spirited, sedated, meth-addled)
• holiday garb of fans (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Secretary’s Day)
• stadium naming rights (Heinz, Grey Poupon, Bob’s Big Boy, Martha Stewart)
• geological phenomena near stadium (lava flow, earthquake, sinkholes)
• atmosphere (a nitrogen/oxygen mix, methane, barbecue smell, cordial)

Live-Blogging the BBVA Compass Bowl

While most people look forward to tonight’s BCS championship contest, it’s easy to overlook some of the other post-season college bowls that have played out in recent weeks. For those who quickly grow weary of football played at the highest level, these lesser games offered something else: mediocre teams playing in contrived contests featuring players and coaches of questionable integrity.

One such match-up was staged this past weekend in Mobile, Ala. The storied BBVA Compass Bowl Game, with a long and distinguished history going back to last summer when it was first thought up, showcased the marginally successful Pitt Panthers (7 wins, 5 losses) versus the thoroughly average Kentucky Wildcats (6 wins, 6 losses).

Beyond the long-simmering rivalry between Pennsylvania and Kentucky over who has the best coal, there was another story line. Which side has the most suspected criminals? Fans of the blue-and-gold from Pitt would point to their recently fired coach, Mike Haywood, arrested on New Year’s Eve on domestic violence charges. Followers of the UK program could claim their team is equally sordid, arguing that the Dec. 10 arrest of starting quarterback Mike Hartline on charges of disorderly conduct and public intoxication was every bit as seedy as Haywood’s alleged sins.

Eager to see how both squads would respond to such challenges (and since I couldn’t work in the yard because it was raining), I tuned in to the ESPN broadcast at noon Saturday. Not only that, I live-blogged the back-and-forth action that continued right up to the final gun, when it was determined that Kentucky sucked 2.7 times more than Pitt.

For those of you who had something better to do on Saturday and missed it, I’m compiling the highlights here in today’s post. I hope you are able to pick up some sense of the pageantry and excitement that was the BBVA Compass Bowl Game.

First Quarter

15:00 — Kentucky kicks off to Pitt.

14:46 — Pitt cheerleaders begin the game-long chant “Let’s go Pitt!” Where it is they want the team to “go” is not specified. Players assume they’re being encouraged to continue hurtling through the cosmos on this fragile blue orb we call Earth.

14:30 — Pitt gains one yard on an off-tackle run.

12:20 — The growl of a big cat resounds from the public address system throughout the stadium. Whether it’s designed to strike fear into the Pitt Panthers or the Kentucky Wildcats is unclear, but neither team is noticeably frightened.

10:03 — Kentucky coach is named Joker Phillips. This will provide at least a small measure of amusement each time it is mentioned during the game.

9:17 — First three possessions result in turnovers. Sloppy play by both offenses continues throughout the first half and is characterized as a “defensive struggle” by game announcers, though it’s much more likely that both teams simply stink.

6:52 — Fan holds up sign for TV camera reading “SEC Stomps Pitt & OregoN“. ESPN appreciates the shout-out and broadcasts it nationally.

3:46 — At the end of a 6-yard draw play for Pitt, a player is apparently decapitated. Upon further review, it is determined that his helmet simply came off.

1:12 — Former Pitt coach is called a “real Pitt man” and, moments later, a “true Pittsburgher.” There must be a subtle difference, since sportscasters are known to never repeat themselves.

College-age men wearing football costumes frolic about the field, occasionally falling down.

Second Quarter

15:00 — It will only take me 15 minutes to find out if I can save 15% or more on my car insurance.

13:34 — I go to the bathroom for no more than six or seven minutes (think I got a bad omelet for breakfast) and when I return, the score has changed from 3-0 into a 3-3 tie. Fortunately, I’m recording the action on my DVR and can back up to see what I missed. (A guy kicked a football through the goalposts).

5:57 — A Kentucky receiver goes offsides, a penalty flag is thrown and the play is blown dead. On-rushing Pitt defensive lineman tackles Kentucky quarterback anyway, just for fun. A fight ensues as additional penalty flags fill the air. This is about the most action we’ll see in the first half.

2:22 — I’m told I can watch Sunday night’s Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl (Nevada vs. Boston College) on my smartphone. The promo displays some of Kraft’s most iconic brands, including Oreos, Miracle Whip, Ritz crackers, Maxwell House coffee, Kraft mayonnaise, and Kool-Aid. If those are the foods they plan to fight hunger with, I’m not sure the effort will succeed. But it’s a nice thought.

Halftime score: Pitt 13, Kentucky 3.

Halftime highlights:

ESPN’s “Sports Science” segment looks at the physics that make Auburn quarterback Cam Newton such a great player. The fact that he’s 6-foot-6, weighs 250 pounds and can run explains at least part of his success.

Remainder of halftime report is taken up with talk about the BCS Championship game scheduled for Monday night. Little mention is made of the current game, despite the fact that both schools have marching bands striding up and down the field. Might’ve appreciated at least a brief analysis of why that football kicked through the goalposts at xxx resulted in three points.

Brief interview with Kentucky coach Joker Phillips (“hee-hee”) reveals his second-half strategy. “There’s no question that we need to take the fight to Pitt,” he observes.

Third quarter

14:16 — Fan holds up sign for TV camera reading “KEntucky WinS Over Pitt — It’s iN the Cards”. Again, ESPN is appreciative.

13:02 — College-age men wearing football costumes continue their play, occasionally falling down as they do.

8:55 — I can’t find the remote! It was lying across my prone torso only moments before, and now it’s gone. I wanted to check the score of the Austin Peay vs. Murray State basketball game, now playing on ESPNU.

8:35 — Oh, there it is. It slipped down behind the couch cushion.

3:56 — Officials call for a booth review of a disputed play on the field. The head referee thinks that one cheerleader for Kentucky isn’t wearing any underwear, while the linesman thinks she is. After five minutes of examining the videotape replay, they rule that she was wearing underwear but that it was flesh-colored.

Fourth Quarter

13:58 — Fan holds up sign for TV camera reading “I’m wEaring a rainbow wig and have my cheSt and face Painted with bright, toxic colors. Will this be eNough for someone to notice me?” This time, ESPN recognizes the plea as a desperate cry for help and contacts the proper authorities.

8:22 — Trailing 27-10, Kentucky tries a field goal that will get them within 14 points. It’s, like, a million miles wide right.

6:57 — A blocked punt that set up a second-quarter Pitt touchdown is named the “H&R Block Never Settle Play of the Game”.

3:39 — A crawl across the bottom of the screen announces that the trophy ceremony following the game will be shown on ESPN3, rather than on plain ESPN. I don’t get ESPN3. I do get it as part of my cable package, but I don’t get why it exists.

1:07 — With the game’s outcome determined, Pitt’s acting head coach is doused by his players in a shower of ice water. The water is filling in for Gatorade, which is serving an academic suspension.

Final score: Pitt 27, Kentucky 10.

Revisited: Time shifting with the NFL

I want to tell everyone how happy I am that NFL football is back on television. And I’ll do that, right after this message.

Ads for erectile dysfunction drugs, beer and not-for-children films abound on pro football telecasts, upsetting parents worried about the harm to younger viewers, the Associated Press reports. Earlier this year, a national media monitoring group urged the NFL to “clean up their act” after reporting that half the commercials featured sex, drugs or alcohol. A league spokesman said “we are comfortable with our policies and those of our network partners,” while the CEO of Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, noted that referencing possible side effects such as long-lasting erections was a hard and fast FCC rule.

Despite the best efforts by advertisers to lure me into watching their commercials by featuring sex, drugs, and alcohol, I’ve reached the point where I can no longer stand to view a live televised game. The way they mess with such a basic concept as the passage of time leaves me so disoriented at the end of a Sunday afternoon that I feel like a serf living in a prehistoric cave, preparing for the next day’s manned flight to Mars.

A football game supposedly lasts for 60 minutes but is slotted in the programming schedule to run for a full three hours, which it usually exceeds by another 15 to 30 minutes, unless there’s overtime, and then it could run into next month. The action itself — the time during which people are running frantically about and crashing into each other — is far less than an hour in length, since the game clock continues to progress between many plays. The clock is frequently stopped for time-outs, during which slow-motion or stop-action replays are often shown. Referees have even been known to put time back on the clock, tooting their whistles in blatant defiance of Newtonian cosmology.

Though the commercials might be entertaining, you’ll quickly tire of their adolescent themes and wish they’d hurry back to the part with the jiggly cheerleaders. A few years back, the quest for advertising dollars reached the point where, after showing a touchdown, there’d be a series of ads, then they’d return for the kickoff, and then head back to another round of commercials. This was more than even my bladder required.

Now, with the advent of the digital video recorder, I too can be a lord and master of time control. I can record the particular game that I want to watch and play it back later while skipping past the ads, the Burger King halftime update (“whoppers are still bad for you”), the news insert, the background profiles, and the statistical breakdown of which players have been suspended for having dog-fights in their pants while drunk-driving with a shotgun. I can cut right to the chase, watch all the highlights and learn the final score in a fraction of the time it would normally take.

There are some complications in watching sports on a tape-delay basis that I’m still learning how to handle. One has to do with the tense of my rooting. Most games that I record will feature one team that I prefer to win and another that I prefer to lose. So the convention is that you verbally exhort your favored team to perform well, even though — as my wife reminds me — it’s unlikely they can hear you, or would be considerate enough to accommodate your request even if they could. Since the action I’m watching has already occurred and the game outcome is decided, it really does no good to express standard cheers such as “go!” These have to be modified to a conditional past tense — “have gone!”, for example. You can’t yell “you suck” at the quarterback who just threw his third interception of the first half (you can probably tell I’m a Carolina Panthers fan); instead it has to be “you have sucked at some point in the recent past.” Even harder is the case where you accidentally heard that your team has already won, and you’re watching a decisive play that was later overturned by the instant-replay official: “You would have stunk!” is difficult to shout with much conviction.

I try to avoid hearing the outcome in advance, as it tends to ruin the suspense. I had a friend once whose wife had already learned that his favorite team was the winner of a key game, so he attempted to explain the concept of time-shifting to her as the reason he didn’t want her to tell him the score. She apparently didn’t get it, since she responded “I won’t tell you anything, but I think you’ll be pleased with the outcome.”

If you’re a really rabid fan, you also have to beware of the subtle cues that the rest of the world may be putting out. If you run out to the grocery store in the interim between the actual game and the one being played in your own private universe, it’s best to avoid eye contact with fellow shoppers, lest their look of  despair over the price of green seedless grapes be misinterpreted. I tried tape-delayed viewing one year when my hometown team was in the Super Bowl, and practically had to wrap my head in gauze to avoid clues about the results. If I’d heard shouting crowds and thunderous explosions in the neighborhood, it would’ve been a certain indication that either Pittsburgh had won, or else laid-off steelworkers were storming the mills to regain by force their rightful place in the U.S. economy.

When you find yourself in the position of being able to master time and space like this, you can not only speed past the boring parts but also prolong the drama of the game’s turning points. One of my favorite techniques is to hit the pause button, then advance the on-screen action one frame at a time. This is most effective when you’re watching the potentially game-winning field goal sail from the foot of the kicker into the direction of the goalposts. The ball seems to be heading wide left! Then one frame later, maybe it’s curving back toward the posts! Then one frame later, it appears President Kennedy has been shot!

Often the outcome is decided way in advance of the final gun, yet you hold out thin hope that a miraculous comeback from a 45-3 deficit can still be achieved in the remaining 5 minutes. So you run the game at triple-speed, concentrating not on the hulking Keystone Kops that have taken over the field but on the score and time remaining displayed in the banner across the top of the screen. You glance back and forth between the plummeting clock and the score, and suddenly get excited when the game has somehow become a tight 2-1 affair, only to realize they’ve interspersed scores from other sports, and you wonder who the hell is Manchester United?

At least I can take some comfort in the impending arrival of the post-season baseball playoffs. The passage of hours and hours during America’s traditional pastime is so much more predictable than what football can offer. Intense action on the field is much like the diamond itself; rare and compressed and not really something that goes with your faded Florida Marlins jersey. Capturing the essence of a 12-inning scoreless pitcher’s duel in a compressed DVR format is so ridiculously impossible that you might have better luck drinking water vapor from the air. It certainly has to be more entertaining.

Fake News: Soccer is like a sport, or something

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (June 12) — Almost two dozen guys wearing knee-high socks ran around on a big field for a while over the weekend, then they went away only to be replaced by a bunch of other guys. Mostly they were chasing a ball, though occasionally they’d yell at each other, collapse to the ground or rip off their jerseys.

Apparently, the shirts are quite uncomfortable.

Known as the World Cup, soccer or the FIFA quadrennial football tournament, you can call it whatever you like but it still makes very little sense to most observers. The object of the game is to propel the ball into a three-sided netted hut using only your feet. The hut is guarded by a “goalkeeper” who tries to keep the opposing team from scoring a goal, except in the case of the English team where his role is more accurately described as “escorting” the ball into the hut. Points might also be awarded for the team that suffers the most concussions, as players frequently try to be hit in the face with the ball.

The game was invented a long time ago, and is believed to be a hybrid of kickball, rugby and wandering about like an Alzheimer’s patient. It’s a big deal in parts of the world that can’t afford baseball bats, basketballs and race cars. The contest is comprised of two 45-minute periods, unless the referee wants to extend the action a little longer so he can avoid going home to his wife.

If the game ends in a tie, then it’s definitely soccer. In some situations the draw is allowed to stand, and everybody mills around wondering why they even bothered showing up in the first place. In other cases, there may be an exchange of penalty kicks in a sudden-death session, though it’s really more like a lingering death because the whole match can take up to several hours to complete. To make matters worse, the stadium is filled with hooligans, ruffians and hoodlums, as well as huge swarms of buzzing bees whose endless drone is enough to drive you mad.

In an attempt to score a goal, players can actually use any part of their body except their hands and arms, so some have evolved a paw-like appendage that grows from their forehead. If you strike the ball with your shoulder, collarbone or scapula, play is halted while a team of anatomy professors debate whether or not the play was legal. They signal their decision by flopping to the pitch in a prone position (to indicate the strike was acceptable) or a supine position (to indicate they’ve been shot by a blowgun).

Players are allowed to trip, kick and accidentally-on-purpose run into opponents to prevent them from advancing the ball down the field. If the play is deemed too aggressive, the referees may caution fielders to “be nice” by holding up a yellow card, may ban them from the game entirely with a red card, or may test their familiarity with times tables by use of multiplication flash cards. Green cards are occasionally displayed, though this is extremely rare among the mostly illegal immigrant players. There’s also something called “offside,” which is almost as mysterious as why they don’t pick up the damn ball and throw it into the net.

Because of the proliferation of layabouts from Europe, who get up to three months vacation each year, and from South America, where the afternoon siesta is a long tradition, goals are almost never recorded. A high-scoring game would be ½ to ¼, and negative scores are not uncommon. A famous contest in 1954 resulted in a score of negative infinity for France to negative googolplex for Spain.

Three years of incomprehensible playoffs around the world have led to the selection of the 64 national teams competing in the month-long World Cup. Yesterday’s marquee match featured the Netherlands vs. Denmark, though I could’ve sworn that each country had more people than eleven each.

Following round-robin tournaments in creatively named divisions like “Group A” and “Group H,” and elimination rounds later this month, the finals match will be played in early July. When that game inevitably ends in a 0-0 tie, the nation whose army could beat up the other country’s army would win.

Fake News: NFL writers search for feel-good story

MIAMI (Jan. 25) — With the matchup now set for pro football’s Super Bowl, members of the media have begun their desperate annual search for the “up close and personal” angle that will portray aggressive hulking millionaires as the kind of human beings we can all relate to, even though we’re pitifully inferior to them.

Unfortunately for sportswriters, family and friends of NFL players are generally in good health, thanks to of modern medical techniques that keep most people from hovering near death. Colts wide receiver Pierre Garcon’s parents are originally from Haiti, a promising lead in light of the tragedy that struck that nation. But it’s expected that by the February game, the devastating Caribbean earthquake will be so Jan. 12, and therefore out of the news cycle. Saints quarterback Drew Brees knew a guy who knew a guy who thought he had AIDS there for a minute, but it turned out he just had smudged some toner on his face.

Preliminary reports by writers already investigating players’ backgrounds hint at some of what we could be seeing in the run-up to the Big Game.

The spotlight could be falling on the ill-fated brother of Colts QB Peyton Manning, a young man named Eli who has endured numerous severe beatings in the last five months while in New York. The younger Manning had hoped to carve out a career for himself in the NFL, but instead ended up being repeatedly ambushed by street-wise toughs despite a contingent of burly but inept bodyguards.

“It’s a really sad story,” said ESPN writer John Rich. “He had such a promising future a few years back, but it all came crashing down.”

Saints cornerback Malcolm Jennings might do a good job arousing sympathy. Several in his immediate family have seen recent hardship, including a brother who lost his cell phone, a nephew who got short-changed by a vending machine, and a health scare recently experienced by his father.

“He had a thing on his neck that was kind of crusty and misshapen, like a scab but yellow around the edges,” said a friend of the family. “We thought for a while it might be malignant. It wasn’t.”

Colts tight end Justin Snow has a sister who was thought to be battling cancer. Snow said she received a note from her doctor following an annual physical that she needed to get treatment for a “canker,” but the physician’s handwriting was so bad she thought it said “cancer.”

“I was really worried there for a day or so, and I thought about dedicating the NFC championship game to her,” Snow said. “Fortunately, the confusion was cleared up pretty quickly. Good thing too, because I didn’t get into the game since I’m not that good.”

Saints linebacker Marvin Mitchell actually did lose his mother to heart disease about ten years ago, though he was in junior high school at the time and no one could foresee he’d later be in such a premier game.

“I’ll always remember her final words. She said ‘ouch, cardiomyopathy sure does hurt.’ I’ll remember that forever,” Mitchell said. “I only wish she could’ve been here with me now so I could use her to get the sympathy of millions of Americans who will watch the pregame show.”

Like Garcon, Colts offensive tackle Charlie Johnson has a heart-rending Haiti connection. While on a honeymoon cruise in 2006, an on-shore excursion to an exclusive island off the coast of Cap Haitien had to be cancelled when not enough people signed up for it. Later that same day, the ship had some problems with its stabilizer, causing the deck to roll excessively in a mild storm.

“It almost felt like an earthquake. Sort of,” Johnson said. “I know the self-leveling pool table in the Windjammer Lounge was completely out of commission.”

Saints defensive end Bobby McCray is a native of New Orleans and still lives year-round in the city that was flooded by Hurricane Katrina. He has voiced strong support for the rebuilding of neighborhoods in the city’s hard-hit Ninth Ward, especially since he drives through there on the way to practice yet can no longer take a favorite short-cut.

“Those folks have been through a lot,” McCray said. “If they could only get that Bypass Bridge fully repaired, the whole community could be opened up to people like me passing through.”

There’s still a chance a more sympathetic story can be found before press coverage hits its peak by the end of this week. There was an unconfirmed report that one player had a cousin who was born without a head, and that another player feared his playing days could be cut short because he has severe osteoporosis and brittle bone disease, preventing him from ever blocking or tackling. The Colts defensive line coach thinks he hit something with his car in the dark the other night, and hopes it was only a dog or a deer.

“Every year we go through this search process, and every year we eventually find someone who’s vaguely sympathetic,” said writer Rich. “We can always use a player’s pet if we have to.”

Fake News: Salon powers Giants to victory

ROANOKE, Va. (Dec. 7) — Workers and patrons at the local Great Clips hair salon took mostly credit for the outcome of the weekend’s NFL games, though a few admitted they could’ve done more to lead their favorite teams to victory.

“We really gave it to those Cowboys,” said Giants fan and stylist Amanda Bell, who repeatedly used the collective pronoun to describe action that took place hundreds of miles away from where she lay sleeping in her apartment Sunday afternoon. “That’s twice we beat them this year. Now, I think we have a really good chance in the playoffs.”

Customer Clayton Withers expressed similar satisfaction with a job well done in the Philadelphia Eagles’ rout of the Atlanta Falcons.

“I’m so proud of our guys,” Withers noted while having about a half inch taken off the top and the sides cleaned up. “We even had a chance to use Michael Vick in his old hometown. I really wanted to shake his hand and give him a pat on the back in the locker room after the game.”

Withers couldn’t fulfill his desire to encourage his perceived teammate, however, since he was “drunk as I’ve ever been” after watching the game in an Avendale sports bar.

When pressed, Bell also admitted her actions had little to do with New York’s victory over their traditional Eastern Division rival. She is not currently on the payroll of the team nor does she play any voluntary role within the organization, and has never even been to a football game at Giants Stadium or anywhere else for that matter.

“True, I don’t know that much about how football is played, so any homeruns I might’ve hit or strategy I might’ve suggested to the managers didn’t actually exist in reality,” Bell said. “But my sister lives in Jersey and I once spent a summer in the Tri-State area, so I feel like the Giants are my team.”

Withers said “his boys” on the Eagles are a “big part of my aspirations for success and a better life” and that it was only a slight stretch to talk about their exploits on the field as something “we” did.

“I root real hard and try to focus all my mental energy on certain key plays,” he said. “When David Akers attempted that second-quarter field goal, I kept yelling ‘get left, get left’ as it sailed toward the goalposts, and sure enough it curved back through the uprights. I feel I had a little to do with that play.”

Told that no, he didn’t, Withers said, “just wait till you see what we do to Amanda’s Giants next week.” Stylist Bell responded that “we’ll be ready for you, I’ll tell you that much,” then accidentally on purpose nicked his right ear.

Others in the salon Monday were disappointed with their efforts to claim a part in the outcome of contests in Week 13 of the NFL schedule.

“I can’t believe how bad we stunk,” said Jasmine Wood, the lady who says “welcome to Great Clips” and asks for your phone number when you walk in the door. A supporter of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Wood said “we just couldn’t get the ground game going, then we had some defensive lapses” in the defending Super Bowl champions’ surprising loss to Oakland.

Wood admitted that she didn’t watch the game live but did “pour my heart” into a tape-delayed viewing later that evening.

“It doesn’t make a loss like that any easier for us to take, even when you can skip through the commercials,” Wood said. “We should’ve been more prepared for the Raiders. I blame [head coach] Mike Tomlin, and I blame myself, for not watching the game live.”

When informed that her lack of positive influence on the outcome had little to do with when she watched and more to do with the fact that, as a middle-aged woman weighing 120 pounds, she couldn’t possibly have physically participated, Wood became defensive — unlike her make-believe teammates, who gave up 396 total net yards to the pathetic Raiders.

“Have you been here before?” she asked with an arched eyebrow. “What was that telephone number again?”