News that giant aliens are riding aboard an asteroid headed straight for the Earth caught most of Washington by surprise yesterday, but the White House was quick to offer a comprehensive plan to deal with the grave threat to humanity.
“There are two separate issues here — the cataclysmic collision expected to happen later this week, and the fact that the aliens appear poised to jump off the asteroid once it lands and invade our planet,” a grim President Obama told the nation. “Either way, we won’t stand still in the face of this mortal threat.”
Obama announced that he is mobilizing the military to fight off the aliens if they successfully land and any humans are left after the explosion. In addition, he has asked NASA and the Air Force to prepare an expedition into space that would intercept and destroy the asteroid before it arrives.
Republicans were quick to condemn the President’s plan.
“That’s the typical response we’d expect from those who believe in big government,” said GOP presidential front-runner Mitt Romney. “I think we should turn to the private sector, and encourage small business owners to use our free enterprise system to counter this threat.”
Newly minted candidate Texas Gov. Rick Perry also opposed the President’s proposal.
“We should deal with those varmints like we deal with varmints in Texas,” the colorful evangelical said. “Let’s have everybody in America get a shotgun and shoot it into the sky. And be sure to have everyone yell ‘yee-haw.’ It won’t work without the ‘yee-haw.'”
Rep. Michele Bachmann, winner of last weekend’s Iowa straw poll, worried that Obama wasn’t concerned enough about the faith and morals of the invaders.
“I doubt those aliens are from the Judeo-Christian tradition, considering their very existence discredits thousands of years of belief in the God of Abraham,” Bachmann said. “America needs to know if they are possibly gay or Muslim or something.”
She said that if it were determined the aliens were Christian, then she would recommend a dialogue with them, assuming we can communicate in their language.
“There has been enough persecution of Christians already,” Bachmann said. “Christians are the last group that it’s okay to discriminate against. Just thought I’d mention that because it’d been several days since I last brought it up.”
Tea-party godfather and Libertarian Rep. Ron Paul suggested that a return to the gold standard, and abolition of the Federal Reserve, should be key components of any plan to defeat a race of super-creatures with powers far greater than anything imagined by Earthlings.
“I realize that doesn’t seem to make sense,” Paul admitted. “But if they see us doing something totally bizarre like that in the face of their invasion, maybe they’ll think we’re not worthy of being conquered.”
House Speaker John Boehner noted that the Obama plan did little to create jobs in this time of high unemployment.
“Maybe these extraterrestrials would offer to create jobs to help with their invasion,” Boehner said. “They’re probably going to need a lot of help in understanding our earthly ways, which could easily translate into opportunities for work. We certainly don’t want to see illegal immigrants getting these jobs. Aliens might naturally want to hire other aliens, unless we make it clear they can’t.”
Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell said he was concerned the imminent destruction of life as we know it would divert focus away from fixing problems with the debt and deficit.
“Once again, President Obama is ready to sell us down the road, putting this tremendous debt burden on our children and grandchildren,” the Kentucky Republican said. “We need a more far-sighted approach from the White House. There can’t be this focus on a ‘problem-of-the-week’ while harm that will be done 40 and 50 years down the road goes unattended.”
Obama later appeared chastened by the speed and certainty with which his opponents objected to his plan.
“I’m just trying to protect and save our planet. Geez,” the president told a reporter. “This knee-jerk reaction to anything and everything I propose is just ridiculous. If I would’ve said the sky is blue, they’d say it was something else.”
“Actually,” noted House Majority Whip Eric Cantor, “the sky is black. It’s the reflection of water off the air molecules that make it appear blue.”