News is good … no, it’s not

The Dow Jones Industrial Average plummeted over 500 points on Monday before soaring to a 400-point advance on Tuesday, then dipping to unprecedented lows on Wednesday before rocketing to new highs on Thursday.

“It’s a sign that investors are wary about the debt ceiling deal,” said Merrill Lynch analyst Bob Manson. “No, wait … it’s an indication that underlying  fundamentals remain strong. Rather, what we’re seeing is a lack of faith in our political will to make tough economic choices. No, I take that back … America is still the safest haven for investments in the world.”

Manson alternately smiled and grimaced while keeping watch on the market via his computer screen Friday morning. Later, he was admitted to the Manhattan Psychiatric Care Center for treatment of a bipolar disorder.

“Abadaba abadaba abadaba,” he noted as he left his Wall Street office strapped to a stretcher. “Inky dinky doo.”

Conspicuous volatility continued to dominate several other areas of life as well.

Following the military operation that killed terrorist mastermind Osama bin-Laden in May, President Obama’s poll numbers reached an 18-month high. Oops, he’s back down again as negotiations to raise the debt ceiling dragged on. Wait, wait … it looks like he and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed on a “grand bargain” that significantly reduces the deficit. No, no … turns out the deal stinks and his base has turned against him.

“Uncertain times likes these are difficult on the national psyche,” noted social psychologist Ray Dellrose. “Yet still, we find a way to adapt and survive. One minute we’re up, the next minute we’re down. We’re riding high in April, shot down in May.”

Unrest in the Middle East has resulted in a spike in gasoline prices that quickly leveled out when supply chains were restored, then shot up again as the summer driving season began before retreating again just recently.

“I cut way back on my driving, then took a trip to the beach, then started carpooling with a neighbor,” said Atlanta-area motorist Angela Haverty. “This morning, I stopped by the gas station and pumped about 100 gallons into the ditch because now it’s so cheap.”

In related news:

The anti-tax Tea Party is viewed in a positive light by most Americans … no, it isn’t … yes, it is … no, it isn’t.

Europe’s elaborate social safety net provides workers with more benefits than Americans … no, it’s contributing to their unsustainable debt load … no, it’s August and time for them all to go on holiday … no, riots are breaking out to protest the existence of a chronic underclass.

In Libya, anti-Qadaffi rebels have taken control of the oil-rich eastern part of the country … no, they’re being crushed by the military … wait, they’re using Twitter to coordinate their protests … no, the Internet has been taken down … oh — wait, wait — NATO forces have bombed Qadaffi’s headquarters, but they only managed to kill his family.

Republicans swept into Congress in the 2010 mid-terms have vowed to make jobs their number-one focus … no, it seems like they’re tackling the ballooning federal deficit first … now they’re refusing to raise the debt ceiling without concessions from more moderate factions … no, wait, now they’re back talking about jobs as well as how extremely Christian they are.

The National Football League has ended its lockout and players are reporting to camp with the season just around the corner … but the NBA 2011-2012 season looks like it may be completely cancelled by labor unrest — wait, now there’s a strike in baseball but it’s only the kind where a batter swings at and misses a pitch, not a full-scale work stoppage.

C'mon, world ... make up your mind

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