Obama happy to be of service

Gently massaging Rep. Michele Bachmann’s migraine-ravaged temples as he spoke, President Obama announced Sunday that a deal had been reached to avoid default on the nation’s debt, “if that’s okay.”

Bachmann, a Tea Party favorite who has said there’s virtually no chance she would vote for any compromise that doesn’t destroy the American financial system as we know it, quietly moaned as the president spoke to the nation.

Obama said later he knew the right-wing radical was unlikely to support the plan but “a massage is the least I can do to thank her and others on the right for not demanding even more than they did.”

Obama said the final draft of the bill to raise the debt ceiling “is not perfect but is a great example of how compromise — giving one side everything that it asked for while winning no concessions for yourself — can be achieved when there’s a gun held to your head.”

“The system has worked, just like most hijackings work,” Obama told the nation. “We landed the Airliner of Fiscal Responsibility safely at the Airport of Terrorist Demands and all aboard are safe.”

“And, best of all,” the president added, “we don’t have to put the hijackers on trial because we don’t have any money left to run the court systems.”

The president said he had to cut his address short because he was heading down to Kentucky to clean out horse stables as a favor to GOP Sen. Rand Paul. The freshman Republican, another Tea Party stalwart, said he too would not likely vote for the measure, but would promise not to scowl if Obama ever ran into him in the halls of Congress.

“That’s an important concession,” Obama said, “because I want him to like me.”

Most on the far right will likely end up voting against the bill that basically gave them everything they wanted, in part because they want to challenge the business-as-usual politics of Washington, and in part because they wanted the measure delivered to the House floor on a silver platter, with whipped cream on top.

“And a cherry,” demanded Rep. Tim Scott (R-S.C.). “Don’t forget that we considered that cherry as a critical part of this new era.”

With passage of the agreement expected today, Obama will head out next week on a nationwide tour to build support for other crackpot ideas the Tea Party has put forward. Flexing their new-found strength, the conservatives have called for a diverse package of reforms that the president said he’d be glad to support, as soon as he finds out what they are.

One proposal already made by Rep. Virginia Foxx of North Carolina, pairs a change to the name of the country — from “United States of America” to “United Christian States of America” — with an initiative to repeal the Third Law of Thermodynamics because of its “pro-science bias.”

“Yeah, yeah … that sounds like a good one,” an eager Obama told reporters after the national address. “I’ll have my administration getting on that one right away.”

“Are you sure there’s not anything else we can do right now?” the president asked. “Just let me know if you think of anything, and I’ll be sure to do it, and do it with a smile.”

"Can I freshen that up for you?" Obama asks Tea-Baggers.

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One Response to “Obama happy to be of service”

  1. thesinglecell Says:

    Landing that jet was particularly impressive in light of the fact that the FAA still doesn’t have operating authority. But I can’t resist pointing out one thing: the Dems DID get the GOP to give up the ghost of a second debt ceiling vote before the 2012 elections. I value that concession because as much as I like politics, I don’t think I could have tolerated another round of this so soon.

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