Qaeda plans for U.S. destruction revealed

Intelligence officials who have reviewed the trove of documents captured with the killing of al-Qaeda leader Osama bin-Laden have finished their analysis, and report a chilling vision the terrorist group had for America.

“They had a truly insidious plan to subvert all types of American institutions, by choking off resources rather than physically attacking locations,” said a source close to the studies. “Some of it sounds vaguely familiar, but I’m not sure where I’ve heard it before.”

“I’m just glad we stopped bin-Laden and his fanatical followers before they could carry out such a sinister plot,” the source continued.  “Had they succeeded with these forays, it could’ve meant the collapse of the nation.”

Most of the al-Qaeda leadership had reportedly signed on to a “pledge” that they would never stray from their commitment to destroy the American way of life.

“As my political views evolved, I saw that destruction of the West was not really the right course we should take,” said Sayed al-Masrah, one of bin-Laden underlings captured during the May 2 raid. “But I signed the pledge so there was no turning back. Death to America! What else can I say?”

Part of the pledge demanded that funding of government agencies be slashed or eliminated entirely, hobbling the nation’s institutions and infrastructure and throwing tens of thousand of people out of work.

“Teachers, policemen, firemen, the judicial system, all must be strangled off so that even the most basic services can no longer be provided,” read one part of the manifesto. “Once Americans lose trust that their government can help them, we move right in and take over.”

The documents saved some of their harshest language for the American educational system.

“Fat-cat teachers get off at 3 every day and have the whole summer off to sit around and live off their $30,000-a-year salaries,” read the document. “We propose cutting funding of schools by at least half. Girls don’t need to go to school anyway.”

The Islamists proposed that a state religion be established, and that such an institution could then be used to crack down on “what some call freedom and liberty, but what we know is cultural decay and ungodly behavior.”

“There will be no more revealing clothing, no more provocative writings, no violent movies nor sexy TV shows nor popular music that makes people want to shake their thangs,” said the manifesto. “We demand rigid adherence to our ultraconservative view of morality.”

Sleeper cells would produce politicians who were doctrinaire in their beliefs, unwilling to compromise with those who disagree with them. The ensuing gridlock would prevent legislatures at both the state and national level from addressing the country’s problems.

“We can clog up the process with all kinds of radical proposals that’ll never pass,” the document read. “We can press for constitutional amendments that have no chance of succeeding. For example, ‘Congress shall make no law’ would be a good one.”

With the death of bin-Laden, two lieutenants have emerged as potential successors to the man who inspired the worldwide fundamentalist movement. But a power struggle appears to be taking place between the two, both of whom have shortcomings the other side is trying to exploit.

Shaheed Azrah, former head of a northeast Afghan province, appears to be the front-runner. He is extremely well-funded, but carries the political baggage of having supported a law that provided affordable health care for his constituents.

“That kind of compassion is almost political suicide,” said Arthur Boyle, an analyst of Middle Eastern affairs from George Washington University. “He’s going to have to explain to his fellow terrorists why he thought there was the concept of a ‘common good’ that government could help support.”

The other leading contender, a parliamentarian from the upper Midwest of Pakistan, is garnering a lot of support among conservatives with her opposition to homosexuality and abortion, and her position advocating that all citizens have a gun, and should use it frequently to suppress the infidels.

“But she’s had these migraine headaches that can put her out of action for several days,” said Boyle. “She has to go lie down in a dark, quiet cave until the demons in her head stop yelling at her.”

A dark horse candidate appears to be emerging from the southern wastelands of Yemen. Misrik al-Peri grabbed attention among jihadists when he said America could see some of its states start seceding from the union. But he hasn’t yet made a formal declaration, and many are wary of the fact that the last al-Qaeda leader also came from southern Yemen.

Documents showed that some discussions were held among high-ranking officials in the terrorist group that an effort be made to get the U.S. to renege on its debt obligations, thus jeopardizing capitalism on a global scale. But this plan was scrapped when sleeper operatives thought such an attempt would be “going too far.”

“Even the lowly goatherd will return items he has borrowed from his neighbors,” said one paper. “We are a primitive but proud people, and we must honor our word.”

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