Editorial: I’m a bad person

Much is currently being made over how wonderful I am.

Sunday is Father’s Day, and I expect the requisite adulation from my son and wife. I’m due to have my performance review at work any day now, and anticipate a hearty “meets expectations” in most categories.

Even those who don’t know me seem to cherish me. Citibank writes me a letter offering a low-interest credit card, calling me “Dear Davis.” The order taker at the Chick-fil-A drive-thru looks forward to seeing me at the window.

The truth of the matter, though, is that I suck. And not just when I’m using a straw.

I have done many, many bad things during my nearly 58 years, things that I’m certainly too ashamed of to mention in a semi-public forum like this blog, where as many as 50 or so people might see them.

I am a self-centered sociopath with little capacity for empathy. I have few friends, for obvious reasons. I am cynical beyond reason, and manipulative beyond belief. I lie, I covet. Of the seven deadly sins, I regularly practice at least six of them. I’d have a perfect score if I was certain what “sloth” was and agile enough to do it (I think it involves climbing slowly through the treetops).

Also, I’m pretty sure I frequently smell bad.

Though awful, I’m not as bad as a Hitler or a bin-Laden or an Anthony Weiner. I’ve never intentionally killed nor injured anybody, though that’s more out of a fear of being beaten up than any great respect I have for human life. I’ve never cheated on my wife. I am not now, nor do I plan to become, a candidate for the Republican nomination to be president of the United States. I’m not that horrible.

The few positive traits that I do exhibit do little to mitigate my repulsiveness. Most are more like skills than they are character traits:

  •  I can draw a map of the world freehand, including the islands of Madagascar, Taiwan and Sri Lanka. (I’m a little sketchy on the Indonesian archipelago, capable of a decent rendering of Java and Celebes but then I just trail off into dots for many of the lesser islands).
  • I’m double-jointed in the middle finger of my right hand, and can wiggle it in a bizarre fashion.
  • I’ve been certified as able to type at 100 words per minute with a 98% accuracy rate (Source: TyperShark).
  • I can take a nap and wake up at any predetermined time I like, without the help of an alarm clock.
  • I can fast-forward through commercials on TiVo recordings — on triple speed, mind you — and stop exactly at the beginning of a show’s next segment.
  • I can button a dress shirt faster than anyone I know.
  • I have a very large head (hat size: 9-1/8) which some studies have shown indicate a high level of intelligence, though most of those have now been debunked.

Not exactly qualities to make me a superhero or role model.

Still, I’m going to do my best to suppress my self-awareness deep, deep inside me this weekend where it can fester, rot and eventually turn into methane, which I can safely vent. (Oh yeah — I also have a problem with flatulence). Hopefully, this will allow me to enjoy a guilt-free summer Saturday and a wonderful Father’s Day.

Celebes (also called "Sulawesi")

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3 Responses to “Editorial: I’m a bad person”

  1. thesinglecell Says:

    The fact that you can draw a map of the world freehand alone is enough to make me find you amazing.

  2. fakename2 Says:

    I was most impressed by the cynical and manipulative part. You may not seek the Republican presidential nomination (you’re not ready for that yet) but it seems to me you’re perfect for Congress. I hear Weiner’s seat is open. Never mind that you don’t live in New York. Neither did Hillary Clinton.

  3. Paul Dixon Says:

    But George, just imagine what Bedford Falls would be like without you!

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