Fake news briefs

Everyday folks are seeking help

Rehab treatment centers around the country are being flooded with troubled applicants as Americans in record numbers seek help for behavioral problems.

Whether shamed into action by revelations of wrongdoing or looking for assistance in dealing with inner demons, everyday people are admitting more and more that they may require in-patient help.

“I shorted a customer on the change I owed them,” admitted Sarah R., a grocery cashier from Arlington, Va. “It may have been a simple miscalculation, or maybe I have a streak of thievery in me that I wasn’t aware of. In any case, my boss found out so now I’m spending six weeks at Promises (Treatment Facility).”

“I gave this big presentation to my management team and — wouldn’t you know it — there was a typo in one of the PowerPoint slides,” said Arthur L., of St. Louis. “To restore my reputation, I’m going through a 12-step program that emphasizes surrender to a higher power and more frequent use of spellcheck.”

“I’m not sure what I did wrong,” observed Linda K., a nurse’s assistant in San Diego. “I was in my car, headed toward this intersection, when I put on my signal and turned right into a shopping center. The driver behind me must’ve thought I was turning right at the intersection, and he slammed on his breaks and shook his fist at me. I’m checking into Betty Ford tomorrow.”

Psychologist Peter Bergen speculated that more and more everyday people were taking their cues from celebrities and politicians.

“Just as it’s a way to get the media off of Anthony Weiner’s back, for example, it’s also an effective way for others to deal with a variety of evils, miscues and slights,” Bergen said. “I used it just this morning. My wife got on me for not taking out the garbage last night, so I just told her, ‘well, I guess it’s off to rehab for me.’ It works great.”

Yet another enemy is eliminated

It’s been a great season for taking out evil-doers around the world who intend ill will toward Americans.

On May 2, a Navy Seal operation in Pakistan killed al-Qaeda leader Osama bin-Laden. On Saturday, Fazul Mohammed, mastermind behind the terrorist bombings of American embassies in Kenya and Tanzania, was killed in a shoot-out with Somalian security forces.

The trend continued Sunday night when the hated LeBron James and his Miami Heat teammates were eliminated from the NBA Finals.

Spontaneous celebrations erupted around the country, with crowds gathering in public squares to chant “U.S.A.!” and “Fourth Quarter Dud!”, a reference to James’s poor play during crunch time of the six-game series the Heat lost to the Dallas Mavericks.

“The King is dead,” shouted one celebrant in New York’s Times Square. “All hail (Mavericks star forward and series MVP) Dirk (Nowitzki)!”

The missing James was thought to be hiding in the locker room or perhaps in the lawless tribal regions of the parking lot. Instead, he was found in plain sight, physically on the basketball court but nearly invisible against the Mavs 2-3 matchup zone.

“He just disappeared during key moments of the game,” said ABC analyst Chris Mullin. “Nobody seemed to know where he was. And then, all of a sudden, the series was over and there was LeBron at the post-game press conference, talking about the fans having personal problems while he still had all that money and fame.”

Just as James finished answering reporters’ questions, authorities nabbed the two-time league MVP.

“We have some questions we want to ask him, like what he was thinking with that stupid ‘The Decision’ special, and that spectacle in Miami where he was introduced to Heat fans,” said an unnamed member of the special forces team that found and captured James. “As soon as we’re done with him, it’s off to the Indian Ocean.”

Congresswoman says don’t give up on Twitter

Legislators should not fear social media outlets, despite some recent and high-profile missteps. Instead, they should continue to embrace the new technology as a way to maintain two-way communications with their constituents.

That was the message yesterday during a seminar for members of the House and Senate given by first-term California Rep. Vicky Vagina (D-Stockton).

“This is exciting stuff. You want to burrow deep into this technology to reap all its benefits,” Vagina said. “Don’t be put off by any bad first impressions you might have. Keep hammering away at it, and members of your district will be ecstatic.”

Vagina urged congresspeople who want to use Twitter and Facebook to stick to the issues in their messages, and refrain from jokes, double entendres and photographs.

“Even though written communication can be misinterpreted, it’s still very effective,” Vagina told attendees. “If you think you’re being ‘too serious,’ just add a smiley face emoticon at the end, much like this one I have tattooed on my lower abdomen.”

As reporters and others held cellphone cameras high over their heads, Vagina stood to show her audience the symbol on her pubis.

“Ha, ha,” she commented. “This better not show up on the Internet.”


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