In the midst of her tour of the Northeast, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin took time yesterday to visit a high school in Springfield, Vermont.
“With her recent comments concerning Paul Revere, we knew she was a student of history,” said Bob Scuggs, the principal who invited her. “We wanted to give a lesson on World War II to commemorate the anniversary of D-Day, and thought she might be the perfect guest lecturer for such a speech.”
The following is a transcript of Palin’s Tuesday lecture to about 300 students.
Well, I’m usually not one to be puttin’ a lot of stock in what the East Coast intellectual elites have to say, but in this case I have consulted My Big Little Golden Book of Twentieth-Century History. Don’t want all those pointy-headed pundits to be second-guessin’ my presentation today.
Most of the so-called experts trace the roots of World War II to the harsh reparations imposed on Germany after World War I, which was kinda like WW2 except that it had a one in it. The Treaty of Versace required the Germans to spend a lot more on high-fashion wardrobes than they normally would — like what McCain’s people did to me when I ran for vice-president — and it caused hyperinflation that ruined their economy. A loaf of bread, for example, might cost a zillion dollars. It’s not unlike what Obama has done to our gas prices today.
All this inflatin’ of prices created an unstable environment which encouraged Hitler’s rise to power. He was what they called a “national socialist,” or “Nazi,” and we all know how bad socialists are. But the German people were like, “Hey, what else are we supposed to do? Vote for a Democrat?”
Meanwhile, over there in Asia, the Japanese were invadin’ the Chinese, or maybe it was the other way around (after all, how could you tell the difference?) No, wait, it was the Japanese and they and their emperor, who they called “Hero Hito,” were lookin’ for natural resources in Manchuria, especially Chinese food, which could fuel their expansionist plans in the Pacific.
The Germans too were interested in expandin’. In particular, they needed water so, in 1939, they invaded Poland, lookin’ for those coveted Poland Springs. The British and the French weren’t goin’ to go for that, so their leaders stood up and declared “War!” and the great conflict began.
Hitler and his army blitzed across Europe, taking advantage of strong gun control laws in places like Belgium and Holland to defeat the Low-Landers. Meanwhile, in Italy, Fussolini came to power as a Fascist — an ideology that can be described as “Nazi Light” and yet contained a lot of good ideas we’re tryin’ out here in the ol’ Republican Party.
By the time France fell — they had drunk so much wine that they lost their balance — the English were in danger of an imminent invasion. They had managed to evacuate most of their army from the European mainland at Dunkirk, where the Germans pulled a “gotcha” and almost captured the entire Allied force. But the UK-ers would survive to fight another day, in what would become known as the Battle of Britain.
To soften up the English, which I wouldn’t have thought was necessary, but whatever, the Nazi Luft-Waffle (German for “a continental breakfast of death from the skies”) bombarded the British Isles. The brave Brits fought back as best they could, hurling bangers ‘n’ mash, fish ‘n’ chips, and tea ‘n’ crumpets at the low-flying attack planes. On the Eastern Front, the Germans invaded Russia, where the Communists used a tactic known as “stallin'” (in Russian, “Stalin”) to tie up the invaders before they could take Moscow.
By 1941, things looked bleak for the Allies. Matters only got worse by the end of the year, when the Japanese staged an unprovoked attack on Pearl Bailey, who was entertaining American troops in Hawaii. The beloved Broadway star survived but Congress was still mad as heck about it and — led by the Tea Party Caucus — issued a formal declaration bringing the U.S. into the fight.
In Europe, the Germans consolidated their gains. One of their attempts at social engineering during this period was known as the Holocaust. A little-known fact about this awful purge was that not only were Jews targeted and killed, but so were other minority groups, including rednecks and hillbillies. However, it was the Jews that got all the publicity, seein’ as how they controlled the lamestream media.
The tide slowly started to turn against the Axis powers. Hitler and his cronies mistakenly looked to science as an answer to their problems. They began experiments with rocketry and started researchin’ an atomic bomb. They even looked at other possible weapons of mass destruction, including a plot to unleash biological warfare on their enemies. By germin’ their foes, the Germans hoped to regain the upper hand.
Alas, all these plans failed, and it was too late before they realized they should’ve turned to God instead of science.
In 1944, some 67 years ago today, the Americans and British began an invasion of the continent that would come to be known as D-Day. Gen. Dwight Eisenhower, leader of the Allied forces who became a Republican-In-Name-Only president, later wrote about his intentions on that fateful day:
“We were to warn the Germans that we’re already there, that — hey — you’re not gonna succeed,” he wrote in his memoirs. “You’re not gonna take American arms. You’re not gonna beat our own well-armed persons, individual, private militia that we have. I’m gonna be ringin’ those bells and makin’ sure.”
In the Pacific, Gen. Douglas MacArthur was leading the charge to drive the Japanese out of a bunch of islands they had invaded. In the Philippines, which MacArthur had had to abandon several years earlier, he made good on his famous vow of “BRB” (or “be right back”) that he’d posted on his Facebook page. Soon, we were hopscotchin’ across Okinawa and Iwo Jima, headin’ for Japan.
The Germans finally fell in April 1945 when American soldiers disguised as Russians took Berlin. Holed up in his bunker, Hitler had no choice but to commit suicide, even though it’s a sin. Victory in Europe had been achieved!
It took about four months longer for us to knock some sense into the Japanese, which we did by atomic-bombing both the Hiroshimers and the Nagasaki-ites. When they saw the raw power of American ingenuity on display in the poisonous ruins around them, they texted their surrender to Washington.
World War II was over. We were gonna be sure we were gonna be free and we were gonna be armed.