Rep. Weiner too quick to come clean?

New York Representative Anthony Weiner’s confession yesterday that he was using social media to be (very) social was perhaps even more gutless than the fact that he repeatedly lied about the story for over a week.

There’s no pride any more in the skill of spinning a tall tale. Public figures caught in scandal spend at most a few days deceiving friends, family and their constituents before abjectly taking to the podium and confessing everything.

“I accept full responsibility for my actions,” Weiner and a thousand others before him told a packed press conference. “What I did was wrong and hurtful toward those I care for.”

What baloney. He might be sorry he was caught, but I doubt he was sorry he had virtual babes from coast to coast admiring his bulging good looks.

His nose was already longer than his schlong. Building an even larger network of lies wasn’t going to make Congressman Pinocchio look any worse.

Here’s the story I would’ve concocted were I his public relations specialist:

The original underwear photo was accidentally snapped while he was brushing his teeth preparing to go to work.

“I try to stay closely connected with my constituents, so I carry my cell phone with me everywhere,” he could’ve said. “I must’ve accidentally hit the wrong button while concentrating on those hard-to-reach back teeth.”

The phone then slipped out of his grip, bouncing off his engorged member in such a way that the “tweet” button was pushed.

“My aroused state was not due to any prurient thoughts,” he’d say. “I just get very excited about the benefits of maintaining proper oral hygiene.”

When additional photos surfaced Monday, only a little additional creativity would be required to explain these.

The picture of him in a T-shirt, sitting smiling next to two of his cats?

“I was just helping Mrs. Bubbles and Kitty Dukakis try to hook up to a cat dating site,” Weiner could say.

The photo of the smiling Democrat holding up a sheet of paper with the word “ME” on it?

“I was just beginning my first draft on the ‘MEDICAL REIMBURSEMENT FOR DISPLACED VETERANS ACT’,” Wiener might report.

The shirtless shot?

“My doctor said he has a new way to do chest x-rays remotely,” he could say. “I meant to send it just to his office, but must’ve hit the ‘ALL’ button by mistake.”

Really, only the two most embarrassing elements of the unfolding story had to be addressed with any element of truth included.

“It’s an email address I’ve had for years, and I didn’t want to lose all the names I had in the address book,” Weiner could say of the humiliating fact that he maintained an AOL account. “I’m trying to migrate over to Gmail but it’s taking some time.”

As for the photo from the congressman’s high school yearbook …

… he could lay claim to a proud family heritage that included several ancestors descended from the Irish side of his family that hailed from County Dork.

“I’m as proud of my Gaelic relatives as I was proud of that Jew-Fro,” he might suggest. “Yes, it could be viewed by some as suggestive. But it gives you a hint at exactly how hairy I am, and how impossible it would be for me to get a clean view of my junk.”

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One Response to “Rep. Weiner too quick to come clean?”

  1. theduffboy Says:

    The details of Weiner-gate are all too fuzzy for me at the moment, and I’m worried I might run into a NSFW moment at the office. Your post, however, is pure gold!

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