Husbands around the world swelled the streets in jubilation this morning as news spread that yet another highly regarded man had been caught cheating on his wife.
“Now I don’t feel so guilty when I forget to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher,” said Elton David at an impromptu rally in Sydney, Australia. “There are spouses out there much worse than I am.”
“The Saturday afternoon I snuck away to play golf doesn’t look so bad now, does it?” asked Herman Ruddick, of Liverpool, England. “I could’ve stopped for a pint on the way home if I knew about these guys last week.”
“It’s almost like when the Lakers won the championship last year,” said Elias Hernandez, of Los Angeles. “I feel like burning a police car.”
Reports surfaced yesterday that former California governor and screen star Arnold Schwarzenegger had fathered a child with a member of his household staff while he was married to Maria Shriver. The two had announced their separation over the weekend.
This followed closely on the heels of the story that Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the French head of the International Monetary Fund, was being charged with attempted rape after he confronted a hotel maid in New York with the request that he be blown. Strauss-Kahn’s wife, the American journalist Anne Sinclair, was initially standing by her husband, though friends said she reserved the right to stand somewhere much farther away if he’s found guilty of the charge.
“Yeah, I heard about the French guy, but I just figured that’s how they do things over there, being so suave and all,” said Kevin Cash of San Antonio, Texas, as he danced ecstatically along that city’s famed RiverWalk with a crowd of fellow husbands estimated at close to 5,000. “But when a genuine American like Arnold Schwarzenegger starts diddling the nanny, that’s when I tell my wife, ‘Sorry about the beer I spilled on the good carpet but at least I didn’t shame you before a worldwide audience.'”
There had been no shortage of high-profile episodes of infidelity in the news lately, though most hadn’t been as egregious as the two incidents in the last week. Reports that the likes of Charlie Sheen and Republican Senator John Ensign of Nevada were fooling around could hardly even be considered news any more.
“You have to go back a number of years, to the likes of John Edwards and Newt Gingrich cheating on their cancer wives, to find any behavior quite as outrageous,” said Matt Michaels from his perch atop a light post in Syracuse, N.Y., which he had climbed in celebration of the two most recent affairs. “This is just wonderful. Thank you, Arnold, and thank you, Dominique, for being such scumbags. You’ve made a lot of men very happy.”
“I can’t believe I felt bad when I insisted that my wife’s sister and her family stay at the Holiday Inn instead of with us when they visited last month,” said Andy Cather, of Spokane, Wash. “I read that Arnold was still staying in his gated mansion, while Maria had left for a local hotel. That’s some nerve.”
“I hope he told her ‘I’ll be back’ in that deep, threatening Austrian accent, like he said in that movie that time,” said Brooklyn’s Jason Washington. “That’d be so cool.”