Bin-Laden dead, but still a class act

Lost in all the celebration yesterday of the death of terrorist mastermind Osama bin-Laden was one very important question.

What does Donald Trump think of it?

“Osama bin-Laden, whatever else you might be able to say about him, was a class act,” Trump told reporters gathered outside his office late Monday. “He was a first-class killer, a superb enemy and — really — among the most magnificent madmen of his generation.”

The real estate mogul and reality-TV star has vaulted to preeminence in the Republican field of would-be presidential hopefuls. In light of this, his opinion is now sought on virtually every important matter of state. As you might expect, he had quite a bit to say about Sunday’s dramatic capture of the al-Qaeda leader.

“I gotta tell you, when I first heard the news in the middle of the night, I thought they said the Navy Seals took out Obama,” Trump said. “I was thinking to myself, ‘At last, we’re rid of that guy’. Then I realized they said ‘Osama’ and I figured, ‘OK, well he’s pretty bad too.'”

Trump said that first impressions of the success of the operation may not be completely accurate. He wanted to take the time to read a few more accounts of the mission before he became too convinced that the architect of the 9/11 attacks had finally been eliminated.

“Where is the death certificate? It’s very important that we see that,” Trump said. “Our president doesn’t have a very good track record on producing the necessary documentation to prove what he says are facts. I’d just like to see the official word. Also, I want to see the school records of all the CIA guys that were involved.”

The New York billionaire said he was a little skeptical of how the body was disposed of.

“A burial at sea? That sounds a little fishy,” Trump said. “Ha-ha. Fishy — get it? So now, bin-Laden sleeps with the fishes. Which reminds me, I wouldn’t be surprised if this turns out to be some kind of mob hit rather than the military attack it’s being made out to be.”

Trump said a “burial at sea in accordance with Muslim law” did not have the ring of truth about it.

“Those guys, they live in the middle of a desert. How can they have any tradition of burying a dead body at sea? In a sand dune or a pyramid — that I could understand,” Trump said. “Frankly, I think we were flying him back to the U.S. and someone just ‘accidentally’ left the cargo door open on the C-130. ‘Oops, there he goes. Bon voyage, you scumbag.'”

The TV star said he doubted the Pakistanis had tried very hard to locate bin-Laden, who turned out to be hiding in plain sight about 30 miles from the capital of Islamabad.

“If I gave that assignment to one of my Celebrity Apprentice teams, and they failed to spot a guy so different from all his neighbors that he didn’t even have internet access, I’d say that team failed,” Trump said. “This isn’t selling energy drinks on a street corner or preparing an ad campaign for Omaha Steaks. It’s not that complicated. He lives behind 18-foot walls, he burns his trash, he has no telephone, he’s obviously an international criminal. I’d say to the president of Pakistan, ‘you’re fired.'”

The moderate-Democrat-turned-Tea-Party-Republican still showed some of his old wimpy compassion, second-guessing whether bin-Laden should’ve been executed on the spot.

“I’ve got to find something wrong with the operation, so I’ll pick this,” Trump said. “I’d like to have seen the guy brought back to serve time in a U.S. prison. I think there was a real potential there for rehabilitation. Teach him a marketable trade — say, medical transcription — and he’d be back on his feet as a productive member of society when his term was up. For all his faults, you gotta admit the guy had outstanding management skills. I’d even hire him in my organization. He’d make a great executive in charge of my casino operations.”


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One Response to “Bin-Laden dead, but still a class act”

  1. LetUsAllUsPlayDominoes Says:

    This is probably too heavy for the context, but I really don’t know why there has been so much attentiveness to burying bin Laden “in accordance with Muslim practice”. I mean, when we bury our dead in western cultures, it’s not considered “in accordance with Western cultural values” to pulverize the bodies to the consistency of talcum powder prior to burial, such as what was done to the 3000 innocent people that the mass murderer bin Laden killed. I don’t give a personal shit about “appropriate Muslim burial practice” when we’re talking about a mass murderer like the late Mr. bin Laden. They should have stuffed his head up his own ass and kicked him out of the helicopter. And the sanctimony from the “We don’t believe in killing” crowd! Spare me.

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