Princess-to-be Kate declares herself a ‘birther’

The royal wedding is off!

Would-be princess Kate Middleton shocked the world on the day before what was to be her induction into the royal family by suddenly cancelling her marriage plans with Prince William. Middleton said she was not convinced the second-in-line to the British throne was born in England, and demanded that he produce a birth certificate before she would consider proceeding.

William’s birth to his mother Princess Diana almost 30 years ago was one of the most widely covered events of the 1980s. The prince bears a striking resemblance to both his parents. He’s often seen walking around London with a crown on his head.

Yet Kate is not fully convinced.

“I just want to see the paperwork for myself,” Middleton told a friend. “If he’s really a prince, it should be easy for him to produce it. And I want to see the original. No bloody PDFs for me.”

The long-form birth certificate of all the royals is kept at the British Museum, as are other official papers tracing the line back to 1066. It might be the most thoroughly documented 1,000-year-old genealogy in the world. Still, Kate has her doubts.

“The entire British Commonwealth deserves the right to be 100% convinced,” Kate said. “Before I handle any royal jewels, I want to handle the royal certificate.”

Doubts about William’s birthplace have been fanned by right-wing elements in the English countryside. Member of Parliament Nigel Tufts says the British people have a right to believe what they want to about the alleged prince’s origins.

“A lot of Britons believe their nation is still relevant on the world stage in the 21st century, for example,” Tufts said. “Of course, that’s not true. But vague impressions matter as much as facts.”

Other doubters say they’re content to take William at his word, implying that the public has to trust the prince rather than believe in an objective reality.

“I mean, he does have that princely look, and all those medals,” said Priscilla Andrews, a commoner from the north. “And his accent makes me want to believe. If we were talking about (brother) Harry … sure, you’d have your doubts. He looks like his father could be Howdy Doody.”

Meanwhile, what was to be the social event of the decade now stands perilously on hold. Tens of thousands of visitors and guests are left wondering how to spend a rainy Friday in London. Instead of witnessing the pomp and pageantry of a royal wedding, they’ll be left to sort through the capital’s other offerings: a ride on the Eye ferris wheel, a photo session in front of Big Ben, or another go at the Changing of the Guard (maybe, for once, they’ll forget to change).

The royal family was said to be deeply disturbed by today’s development. The Queen was reported to be in tears, though husband Prince Phillip was maintaining a stiff upper lip, thanks to recent Botox treatments. William’s father, Prince Charles, seemed to comprehend that something was amiss, though that could simply be reflexes often seen in those reduced to a vegetative state.

The would-be groom appeared to be taking the news in stride, however.

“Why buy a cow when the milk is free? Am I right?” he reportedly asked a friend. “If she doesn’t believe I’m the culmination of centuries of inbreeding, then screw her.”

Kate said she simply wanted to make sure there wasn’t any misunderstanding in what is the biggest move of her young life.

“Maybe people were just saying, ‘hey, he’s a prince of a guy,'” Kate said. “I admit that he’s nice and all, but I just want to be certain.”

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3 Responses to “Princess-to-be Kate declares herself a ‘birther’”

  1. Free Radio Fm Says:

    Good News…

  2. Paul Dixon Says:

    Delicious satire!

  3. Phillip Donnelly Says:

    Thankfully there is still one source of valid and objective news out there — the Davis W channel. However, as I type Mrs M Fox is watching the ceremony live, so I suppose Kate M must have changed her mind again.
    Am I the only one worried that the BBC has become a propaganda vehicle for this wedding and has given up all coverage of other non-nuptial matters.

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