Federal authorities have uncovered a terrorist plot already in its implementation phase that is drastically reducing America’s vigilance and defenses.
Called “sleep,” the virus-like attack renders average citizens as well as military and political leaders virtually impotent for almost eight hours a day. During this time of unconsciousness, so-called “sleeper cells” can be activated by al-Qaida and its allies to attack key targets while those who are supposed to protect them snooze.
“Wake up, America!” President Obama encouraged the nation in an emergency address broadcast on all four major networks last night. “We can’t afford the luxury of letting our guard down against this terrorist threat for even one minute. I am leading the way in this effort by drinking lots of Five-Hour Energy Drink and using toothpicks to keep my eyelids open.”
The sleep problem first became apparent in recent weeks when several air traffic controllers were caught slumbering at their overnight posts when they were supposed to be reminding airplane pilots not to crash into each other. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has since made a tour of major airports, delivering a two-hour-long address to controllers reminding them not to nap on duty.
“And I will tell you once again — in the strongest terms that a dull, uninspiring speaker like myself can deliver — that you need to resist the calls of Morpheus,” LaHood monotonously droned at about the 50-minute mark before this reporter dozed off. “Just keep chanting to yourself in a low, soothing tone: ‘I am not getting sleepy, I am not getting sleepy.’ I bet that might work.”
By the time LaHood returned from his tour, more incidents of sleeping Americans were being reported. In Georgia, a man going house to house in the middle of the night and peeking in people’s windows reported that a large percentage of those he witnessed were asleep, and a significant number were also naked and about to bend over. In an Oregon hospital nursery, newborns dozed innocently despite the fact that at least one of the attending obstetricians had an Arabic name. Drivers at interstate rest stops caught catnaps while “lot lizard” prostitutes banged furiously on their windshields reminding them of the need to defend America at all times, and of the affordability of anonymous oral sex.
With the plague seeping deeper into American life, President Obama has appointed a special commission, to be headed up by Vice President Joe Biden, that will study why people feel they need to periodically lapse into unconsciousness.
“I know the vice president will do an excellent job getting to the bottom of this infiltration,” Obama said in announcing formation of the group. “Won’t you, Joe? Joe?”
Biden briefly took the podium following the president’s announcement to say that his group has already come up with some potentially workable solutions to the threat.
“I propose we mobilize a force of people who suffer from Restless Leg Syndrome, and deploy these folks to seal our borders,” Biden said. “Even if they nap off, there’s still a good chance that they’ll be able to kick at any invaders.”
Republicans were quick to offer their own plan to address this menace that puts an entire nation in bed at roughly the same time every night. (Not the same bed).
“As is typical, President Obama is not showing the type of leadership we need in this hour of peril,” said former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. “He’s asleep at the wheel on this issue.”
Palin proposed shuttering all federal offices during the daytime, and requiring government employees instead to work third shift. This, she predicted, would both make it easier for the nation to remain on alert throughout the night, and would slash the size of the federal staff once half the people quit because they hated their new hours.
“We really need more ‘sunshine laws’ to enable an open and transparent government that will root out waste, corruption and inefficiency,” Palin said. “I think we can best do that in the middle of the night.”