‘American Idol’ results spark insurrection

LOS ANGELES (April 7) — Anti-American violence erupted in southern California Thursday night as the audience watching Fox’s “American Idol” took to the streets in angry protest of America’s decision to vote popular contestant Pia Toscano off the show.

Stoked by judges’ comments questioning the reasoning of the nation’s 300 million-plus citizens, the protest seemed primed to evolve into an armed revolt that could rival recent events seen across the Arab world.

“I don’t know America, man,” said judge Steven Tyler after the obviously talented songstress heard that she finished last in the nationwide vote. “A mistake is one thing, but lack of passion is unforgivable. They (America) are wrong. I don’t know what happened with this.”

“I — I have no idea what just happened here,” offered judge Jennifer Lopez. “I’m shocked. I’m angry. I don’t know what to say.”

Randy Jackson offered some of the most provocative comments of all.

“I’m gutted. Do you know what I’m saying?” Jackson asked. “I’m never upset on this show and I’m never really mad, but this makes me mad. It’s like, ‘what’s going on?'”

As the show ended and the credits began to roll, the judges approached the stage to comfort the devastated 22-year-old New Yorker. Her fellow contestants also gathered around, all wearing an expression of shock and outrage on their faces. Punk icon Iggy Pop even returned from backstage to join the growing protest, going so far as to put his shirt back on to register his bafflement at the surprising events.

Then, shortly after the show went off the air, the angry audience streamed out of the auditorium and began a rampage of setting cars afire, breaking windows and throwing Molotov cocktails at arriving police. Someone produced an American flag which was promptly set ablaze, then stomped to cinders by the enraged crowd.

“America got it wrong! America got it wrong!” they began chanting, picking up on Tyler’s assessment that the nation had lost its way. “Death to the imperialists! Death to capitalism! Serious injury — at least — to voters who failed to support Pia!” read several of the hastily prepared signs the crowd began carrying through the streets.

“This is not the America I grew up in,” host Ryan Seacrest shouted to the crowd from atop a city bus the protesters had commandeered. “An America that couldn’t see the obvious flaws in delivery, vocal range and song choice by (runner-up loser) Stefano is an America I’m not sure I want to live in anymore.”

“Where is the fairness? Where is the justice?” he asked the assembled mob. “And where is my hair gel? I had it in my hand just a minute ago.”

Alas, the gel tube had already been fashioned into an incendiary device, and was starting yet another storefront blaze in the downtown L.A. business district.

Steven Tyler said a serious look needed to be taken at the whole voting process, suggesting that U.N. observers be called on to monitor all remaining votes on this season’s shows.

“I’ll quote my friends in Green Day on this one,” Tyler said. “American idiots, that’s what they are. If they can’t cast well-considered votes, then maybe we need to move toward an Electoral College-type arrangement, so the fringe groups don’t have so much power. Or maybe we scrap the system entirely, burn the whole thing down, and start over from scratch, man.”

“This is like something you’d see coming out of the Republican presidential caucuses in Iowa,” he added.

Toscano, the spark for the insurrection, was quickly spirited away to an undisclosed location for safety reasons as the budding revolution unfolded. Her only public comment was relayed via Twitter.

“Whatever, I guess,” Toscano said. “Was still an amazing experience. Thanks to the fanz for hating America.”

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