We must obey the signs of the times

In a news story reported March 29 by The Rock Hill Herald, a local man was charged with indecent exposure at the new, upscale YMCA located in nearby Baxter Village.

The 73-year-old man was accused of exposing himself to another man in the steam room at the workout facility around 4:40 p.m., according to a report from the York County Sheriff’s Office.

He was also “touching himself inappropriately,” the report stated.

The suspect was arrested and transported to the Moss Justice Center, from which he has since been released.

In a related story, naked forces at the other local Y — the one I regularly attend to get my daily session on the treadmill — have apparently succeeded in overturning a regulation spelled out in paper signs hung around the men’s locker room dictating “No BARE bottoms on benches.”

The signs appeared earlier this year, as first reported on this blog Feb. 10, in response to complaints from some members that elderly nature boys were reveling a bit too much in their altogethers. The birthday-suited seniors routinely exited the small sauna at the facility to grab a cool breath of air, plopping their sagging disease-ridden posteriors on the same wooden benches that properly clad people used to tie their shoes.

In the intervening weeks, however, the signs have disappeared, and the “BARE” bottoms have returned.

“If ya can’t be naked at the Y, where can ya be naked?” asked one elderly man, in a hopefully rhetorical inquiry. “I’ll sit wherever I damn well please, thank you very much.”

Asked whether he would at least draw the line at “touching himself inappropriately,” the coot pawed reflectively at his backside as he pondered the question.

“How’m I supposed to dry myself off without touching myself?” he asked. “If you think I’m hauling my family jewels up to those air-blowing hand-dryers, you got another think coming.”

“I know someone who tried that and he darn near broke his pelvis,” chimed in another unlikely member of the Greatest Generation, who once fought Imperial Japan on the shores of Iwo Jima and was now limiting his battles to causes closer to home. “The varnish on them benches won’t allow any germs to spread. I know that because my grandson is a scientist.”

YMCA director Moe Bell admitted that the Lord Godivas had won the upper hand in the ongoing struggle for decency by removing the signs every time he’d put up a new one.

“What are you gonna do?” Bell asked. “Physically remove those guys? I, for one, am not touching them — appropriately, inappropriately, or in any other imaginable way.”


Ever find yourself behind a dump truck bearing the following sign?

How stupid do these people think we are? They’re hauling 20 tons of broken glass shards around town, pretty much for the sheer fun of it, yet they’re concerned about being blamed if one of the shards jostles loose and ends up crashing through your windshield and into your eye.

As long as the debris first bounces off the road surface, they figure they’re covered. It’s not their fault; you need to blame the vagaries of physics that dictate a body in motion will remain in motion until it burrows a full two inches into your face.

Never mind that it originated from the bed of their overstuffed dump truck. The disingenuous sign warned you to stay back 500 feet.

I’m thinking about putting the following sign on the FRONT of my automobile: “I have flame-throwers in the grill of my car. Should they erupt and melt your tires, it’s not my problem.”

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4 Responses to “We must obey the signs of the times”

  1. deyank Says:

    Ooh! Ooh! Where did you buy the flamethrower? I’m considering machine guns myself (or possibly, a few of those spring-activated sucker darts).

  2. Kristin Brænne Says:


  3. Paul Dixon Says:

    …chimed in another unlikely member of the Greatest Generation, who once fought Imperial Japan on the shores of Iwo Jima and was now limiting his battles to causes closer to home…

    (Heh-heh. Good line.)

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