Fake News: Libyan forces won’t be exterminated

WASHINGTON (March 25) — Confusion and disarray reigned among NATO allies this week, as deployment of the No-Pest Strip in Libya failed to halt Col. Moammar Gaddafi’s campaign to rout insurgents protesting his tyrannical rule of the North African country.

A United Nations resolution to provide cover and air support in the eastern parts of Libya called on the U.S., European and Arab allies to deploy necessary force to keep Gaddafi from attacking poorly armed rebels fighting near Benghazi. The Libyan leader had been using armored tank columns as well as modern warplanes and helicopters to fight rock- and bottle-throwing protesters wanting to end his 40-year regime of oppression.

“The Shell No-Pest Strip is just too hard to find. We can’t get our hands on enough of them to make a strategic difference,” said American Gen. Lewis Hartman. “Their production was discontinued in 1979 after carcinogenic properties were discovered in addition to their bug-trapping and killing attributes.”

“No, no, they wanted us to use the Hot Shot No-Pest Strip 2,” insisted French commander Marcel Dupre. “It’s a reformulated version that utilizes controlled release technology to slowly diffuse a deep penetrating vapor for up to four months.”

“I’m not sure the U.N. even wanted us to be dropping insecticides over the desert,” countered Qatar’s Abdul Hamman. “I thought Security Council Resolution 1973 called for no-bake cookies to be deployed. Or maybe it was extension of the No Child Left Behind Act to include Libyan student protesters.”

Gen. Hartman insisted that it was the Shell product that the United Nations intended be used. He said the bright yellow adhesive ribbons, often seen in the 1960s hanging outdoors and covered with trapped and dying insects, contained enough deadly chemicals to turn the tide against the Gaddafi forces.

“It’s the same chemical that’s used in flea collars, but it was tactically too difficult to try attaching collars around the necks of soldiers in the Libyan army,” Hartman said. “We think the No-Pest Strips can be effective, but there’s a critical mass that we need to turn the tide, and Shell hasn’t been producing them for over 30 years.”

Meanwhile, the Libyan leader scoffed at efforts to defeat his battalions.

“The brave Libyan people will triumph over this ridiculous, petty, ill-fated campaign by the West,” Gaddafi told Arab news network al-Jazeera. “Oooh. You know what? I don’t feel so good.”

Death rains down on flies, gnats and Libyans

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One Response to “Fake News: Libyan forces won’t be exterminated”

  1. Stentorphone Says:

    Marcel Dupré-LOL.

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