A study published this week in the science journal Anthropology Today reveals that celebrities may in fact be human beings and not the ethereal specters of perfection that most of the public had believed them to be.
The investigation, led by Dr. Jonas Hampton and a team from the University of Chicago, revealed that the rich and famous are mostly comprised of the same blood, flesh and entrails that the average person contains, except that theirs is much more physically attractive.
“We had this tendency in our culture to worship these people as gods and demigods,” Hampton said. “Our research shows, however, that most if not all of them have been born of a woman approximately nine months after that woman was impregnated with the seed of a man.”
Hampton said his team’s study was completed only this week but the results were rushed into publication in an attempt to explain some of the bizarre behavior recently exhibited by television and movie stars. He said the ravings of an individual like actor Charlie Sheen may seem out of character for a superhuman, omniscient and totally hot individual with tons of money. However, this behavior may be more logical when viewed with the understanding that Sheen is a corporeal creature functioning with the same biological characteristics as most other people.
“The breakthrough finally came when we were able to gain access to Christina Aguilera following her arrest for public drunkenness,” Hampton said. “While she was unconscious, we were able to take blood and other samples that confirmed our theory that she was a member of the Homo Sapiens species, and not a goddess with the voice of an angel that had descended from heaven to entertain us.”
“It was kind of weird to touch her,” added Hampton’s assistant, graduate student Allen Hayes. “Her skin was so fair as to be almost luminescent, and I expected my hand to pass right through it. But, surprisingly, it was a solid. She’s a little hairier in some parts than I might’ve expected, but other than that, she exhibited all the traits of a person just like you or me.”
The team fitted Aguilera with a radio collar prior to her release from a Beverly Hills drunk tank, and was able to further confirm her humanity when it was noted that she stopped on the way home to pick up her dry cleaning, then drove through a fast-food restaurant for a Arby’s Junior roast beef sandwich.
“We plan a follow-up study in the next few months, and we think we have Lindsay Lohan lined up to participate,” Hampton said. “We’re still working out details of a contract with her agent, but he said she didn’t really have any movies or TV productions in the works, and he thought we’d be able to get her for a reasonable fee, perhaps as little as the cost of a six-pack.”
Even sports heroes may in fact be less the gargantuan supermen than is commonly believed. Hampton said DNA tests the group ran on NFL quarterback Brett Favre showed a chromosome count not unlike what he’d expect to see from the average individual “though there was one gene we saw that showed a predisposition toward throwing interceptions, especially on third and long.”
“However, the whole texting-his-junk thing is not otherwise inconsistent with his physical and mental make-up,” Hampton said. “It might seem a hyper-naturally stupid thing to do, though it’s not out of line with most other typical male behavior.”