Fake News: Cats threaten strike

NEW YORK (Feb. 16) — A nationwide group of cats said its members would go on strike March 1 unless humans agree to add lunch to their daily roster of meals.

A labor organization known as Cats United for Lunch Time (CULT) will conduct a work slowdown which could escalate into a complete stoppage if the cats and their people can’t reach an agreement. The cat union wants a noontime serving of food to be added to the morning and evening meals so that they can eat three times a day.

“It’s absolutely ridiculous that they make us skip lunch,” said Tom, 3, the tabby president of the union. “Twelve hours is just too long to wait between meals.”

A spokesman for the Human Overlords and Masters Organization said his group was opposed to the initiative. He claims it would be too much trouble for people to take off work every day at noon so they could come home and feed the cat.

“I give my cats a large enough serving that they should be nursing it throughout the day,” said HOMO president Martin Stern. “They’re not supposed to wolf the whole bowl-full down as soon as I put it out for them.”

“But those desiccated globules of tuna-scented filler are just so delicious!” Tom said. “They demand to be eaten immediately.”

Stern also rejected the idea that a sandwich could be left behind for the cats when their family heads out the door in the morning. He said most cats are repelled by mustard, so a sandwich option would be unworkable.

“C’mon,” Tom persisted. “It’s a lunch in name only anyway. It’s the same stuff we eat in the morning and in the evening.”

Tom said that if his group’s demands are not met, the work slowdown will begin at the beginning of March, with a complete stoppage to follow a week later if further negotiations fail.

“How can they have a ‘work slowdown’?” Stern asked reporters. “A, they don’t do any work anyway and, B, if they did, it’d be impossible to do it more slowly than they do it already.”

Tom said Stern’s comments reflected an insensitivity that lay at the heart of difficulties which have existed between the union and management for the past several years.

“They just don’t respect what we do,” Tom said. “It only looks natural because we work so hard at creating that illusion. Napping, bathing ourselves, basking in the sun, these are not our natural behaviors. We’d rather be hunting down squirrels but we do this lazing-about business because it entertains you.”

Tom wouldn’t describe what the slowdown would look like, however he did say a complete shutdown of his group’s operations could “cripple the entire economy within days.”

Stern said no, it wouldn’t, countering “you know, we could do without actual cats in these positions. Just about any easily domesticated groundling could do every bit as good a job.”

“Ray-eow,” answered Tom. “Sounds like you’re looking for a catfight.”

"It's absolutely ridiculous that they make us skip lunch," says Tom.

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