Please enjoy the following highlights from my new mini-blog, http://davisontv.wordpress.com
The resignation of Republican Congressman Christopher Lee …
… not horror movie veteran actor Chrisopher Lee …
… sent shock waves through the morally pure GOP that may set the tone for criticism of the new Congress.
Lee — the New York conservative politician, not the Dracula guy — quit the House of Representatives yesterday following revelations that he was totally buff but could use a few pointers on the subject of self-photography. The married father had posted a picture of his shirtless self with the website Craigslist in hopes of meeting up with a woman becoming known as “The Leggy Glamazon”. She exposed him (even further than he exposed himself) to a celebrity news website, and he now faces the challenge of explaining the whole thing to his wife.
Lee made the following statement as part of his resignation letter:
“I regret the harm that being found out has caused my family, my staff and my constituents,” Lee wrote. “I deeply and sincerely apologize to them all, assuming they’ve seen the story. I have made a profound mistake by letting this get out, and I promise to work as hard as I can to trick another conservative into a compromising position so I can drop out of the news cycle.”
Lee photographed himself in a bathroom mirror with his cellphone, striking a “fisty” pose that makes it look like he was just interrupted during masturbation. He went with the half-nude look after the woman he was interested in complained he looked like a J.C. Penney model while wearing a polo shirt.
A spokesman for J.C. Penney was quoted as saying “Someone mentioned us! Someone mentioned us!”
A large percentage of Zsa Zsa Gabor celebrated her 94th birthday at home Sunday after being released from the hospital earlier that morning.
Gabor, a staple of TV talk shows and B-grade movies from the middle of the last century, had been in and out of the hospital since January, when doctors amputated her right leg. What was left of Gabor following that operation suffered several medical setbacks since, including an episode of internal bleeding.
Photos of Gabor, increasingly called simply “Zsa” because of the missing appendage, were released to the news media yesterday by her husband.
“We did it so that people can see that she’s not half-dead,” said Prince Frederic von Anhalt, the actress’ ninth husband. “There’s at least three-quarters of her left that’s still alert and happy.”
In other news from the world of the partially dismembered, J. Paul Getty III, grandson of the legendary oil baron and victim of a kidnapping by Italian gangsters in 1973, died Saturday at his home near London. He was 54.
During his abduction as a teenager in Rome, the kidnappers cut off young Getty’s ear and sent it to his family to prove they held him captive. Their demand for $17 million in ransom money had to be reduced to $2.2 million when his wealthy grandfather remained unconvinced the ear belonged to Paul.
“It could be anybody’s ear,” the elder Getty said at the time.
Ultimately, the billionaire arrived at the amount paid to gain the boy’s release by calculating the volume of the ear as a percentage of his entire head.
What remained of the younger Getty following his release lived in New York for a time while becoming a drug user and heavy drinker. He married a German photographer, had one son, and returned to Europe where he lived in seclusion.
Getty is survived by the ear, which his mother said is “around here somewhere.”
Like the dutiful American consumer I aspire to be, I paid extremely close attention to the ads during yesterday’s Super Bowl. In return for watching a free broadcast of the game, I know it is my responsibility go out today and buy all the things that were advertised during the four-hour presentation.
I’m making pretty good progress on my shopping list, as you can see below:
√ A Chevy
√ A Ford
√ A Kia
√ A Hyundai
√ A Chrysler (with the Eminem package)
√ A Volkswagen (per Darth Vader Jr.)
√ An Audi (hold the undercoating and the Kenny G.)
√ A Mercedes
√ A new job (working with monkeys)
√ An online broker (beware of recommendations to buy “goo-goo” stock)
√ Bud Lite
√ Pepsi Max
√ Lipton Iced Tea
√ Snickers (the giant size, like the one that hit Roseanne)
√ Skechers (a shoe? a candy bar?)
√ Bridgestone tires (per the beaver)
√ Anything from Best Buy (per the Bieber)
√ GoDaddy.com (as soon as I figure out what they sell)
√ Every cell phone plan available, and a different phone to go with each one
√ At least a dozen awful-looking movies, none of which come out until summer at the earliest
Performing just the National Anthem before the Super Bowl is no longer enough. For the last several years, producers have added a separate rendition of “America the Beautiful” to the pregame playlist. As they become ever more patriotic in each ensuing year, look for the NFL to come up with even more odes to how wonderful we are.
Next year, I’m expecting “American Pie” to be added, perhaps sung by Betty White.
Lea Michele of “Glee” performed “America the Beautiful” at tonight’s game, and did a serviceable job of it. The pace was pretty slow — she had barely finished the line “Oh beautiful for spacious skies” before the camera scanned around the stadium looking for proud Americans and finding instead people rolling their eyes.
“Oh, God,” you could imagine them whispering, “this is going to take forever.”
When it finally did end, out trotted Christina Aguilera to sing the “Star-Spangled Banner.” At first, her pacing was reasonable and her 12-octave vocal stylings were kept largely in check. Many in attendance got caught up in the patriotism of the moment and started to sing along. They were even able to help her through a flubbed lyric about halfway through the song.
It’s when she started getting poked and goosed by her invisible muse that her voice took off in every possible direction at once, rendering both the original melody and rhythm irrelevant. Again, the cameras panned the crowd, and you could watch as some of the younger folk tried to keep up with Christina while their elders either folded completely or plodded on to the song’s conclusion at their own respectful pace.
Christina eventually finished the song — or had her anti-seizure medication kick in — in the triumphant final note, captured below.
I pass the above sign on my way to work each morning. The bottom, permanent half was always perplexing enough; I can’t imagine, for example, how many people this business must employ to maintain enough saliva to offer “cat baths,” nor how they keep those employees hydrated. Maybe it’s handled by Yuppy Puppy management as contract labor, and the free-lance lickers are called in on an as-needed basis.
The newest part of the sign appeared just recently. I don’t know if it’s a joke, if it’s designed simply to grab passers-by’s attention, or if a “facial” is something you really can give to a dog or cat. I searched for “pet facial” on Google and found two videos. The first featured Adam Sandler passing gas in David Hasselhoff’s face. The dialogue had been dubbed in French, which gave it a certain avant-garde absurdist quality that — in combination with its 14-second length — made it barely watchable. I got about a minute into the second video before I realized where it was headed, and quickly closed the window.
I assume that to give the family dog or cat a proper facial, you’d have to shave their face first. I know certain long-hair breeds do require occasional crewcut grooming to keep their fur from becoming matted. But to shave only their face seems both difficult and degrading to the animal. And I don’t think most would appreciate the therapeutic advantages of having warm mud pressed to their cheeks while cucumber slices rejuvenate their eyes.
I called the phone number listed on the sign to get more information, but the cat who answered must’ve had his mouth filled with creek-smoothed pebbles and Crème de La Mer moisturizing cream, rendering his answers to my questions unintelligible.