Even more highlights from my mini-blog

Please enjoy the following highlights from my new mini-blog, http://davisontv.wordpress.com

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Mike Rowe Tackles Dirtiest Job Yet

Mike Rowe, host of Discovery Channel’s popular Dirty Jobs series, has taken on what may perhaps be his most revolting task yet — acting as a spokesman for the Ford Motor Company in TV commercials.

Rowe is supplementing his day job on Discovery, in which he profiles the unsung American laborers who make their livings in the most unthinkable ways, with a series of ads touting Ford trucks and automobiles.

“I know, I know,” Rowe told reporters recently. “You probably think I have no shame. One minute I’m cleaning raw excrement out of a sewage pipe with nothing but my bare hands, and the next I’m trying to get innocent Americans to buy monstrous chrome gas-guzzlers. But a guy’s got to make a living, right?”

Rowe is seen in the series of Ford commercials cajoling, coaxing, wheedling and enticing owners of other vehicle brands into trying his sponsor’s vehicles. Most offer some initial resistance to his pleas, but eventually give in, reluctant to embarrass him in front of TV cameras and eager to get him to leave because he smells so bad.

Rowe eventually quips his way into getting the drivers to offer some grudging respect for the Fords they’re inspecting.

“Would you say this truck is a better value than the one you currently own?” he asks one obviously mortified woman. “Would you say that? Seriously, would you say that into the microphone?”

“Okay, already, I’ll say it,” the woman eventually responds. “This truck is a better value than the one I currently own.”

“There you have it,” Rowe offers directly into the camera. “Another driver ready to switch to Ford.”

Producing ads for Ford: A dirty job, but someone has to do it
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Animals Seem to Favor the Packers

REAL STORY IN A REAL NEWSPAPER:

A Greenville, S.C., orangutan named Baby Bob has picked the Green Bay Packers to defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers in this Sunday’s Super Bowl.

Bob was offered T-shirts for both teams, and he chose the Packers shirt.

Bob’s Super Bowl picks were part of his fifth birthday celebration.

FAKE STORY IN A REAL BLOG:

My three cats were impaneled last evening to vote on who they think will win the Super Bowl. Admittedly, a cat is not as smart as an orangutan, but surely three cats combining their brainpower come close.

Since T-shirts tend to fit them poorly, I set up the exam a little differently. To represent the Packers, I put a piece of raw beef on one plate (the Packers name originally was shortened from “meatpackers”). To represent the Steelers, I put a piece of metal on another plate. (I think it was steel, though it could be aluminum).

By a 3-0 margin, my cats pick the Packers. Upon further questioning, I found that Taylor favors the Pack by a score of 21-17, Tom likes the Green Bay squad by a tally of 35-28, and Marie likes the NFC champs by a score of 5-1. (As the sole female, she’s obviously not familiar with common football scores).

On behalf of my kitties, I’d like to add my two cents: Go, Packers!

The Green Bay squad is obviously a favorite among kitties.
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Pro Bowlers Charge: “Somebody Tried!”

HONOLULU (Jan. 30) — Pro Bowl MVP DeAngelo Hall was roundly criticized by his fellow NFL all-stars following Sunday’s game, with some claiming he “tried” while others blasted his “running full speed.”

Hall had one of his team’s five interceptions and returned a fumble for a touchdown to help the NFC defeat opponents from the AFC by a score of 972 to 681.

“He was wearing a helmet and pads and shoes and everything,” said AFC quarterback Philip Rivers. “We’re supposed to be out here having fun. Where was his lei?”

“I can understand wanting to give the fans a good show, but I thought we took care of that with the mass hula dance all the players did at halftime,” added Cleveland’s Alex Mack. “That was just showboating he did on that touchdown.”

Most players at skill positions like quarterback, running back and wide receivers played barefoot in the balmy Hawaii weather, with little more than a visor and sunglasses to protect against possible concussions. The linemen playing in the trenches opted for flip-flops and Panama hats, since action on the line of scrimmage can get a little intense, even in an exhibition like the Pro Bowl.

“This was my first Pro Bowl. I didn’t know any better,” said Hall in a post-game interview. “If you look closely at the tape, you’ll notice I skipped rather than ran on the touchdown return.”

In play that was casual even by past Pro Bowl standards, most of the NFL’s brightest stars spent their time on the field posing for pictures, waving at family in the stands and roasting a pig in a luau that was staged in the end zone.

The NFC’s defensive line comes up with a big stop to end a third-quarter threat by the AFC all-stars.
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Horgmo Goes Awesome on ESPN Reporter

Torstein Horgmo, aka “The Horgmonator”

One of the biggest stars of the Winter X Games, now playing on ESPN, has been Norwegian snowboarder Torstein Horgmo.

Friday night, he turned in a truly Horgmogian (Horgmoesque? Horgmoiffic?) performance in some event I’ve never heard of that involves snow, gravity and broken ribs. Horgmo performed the unprecedented “triple cork,” which his heavily decaled snowboard itself described as “AWSM”.

For those not familiar with the distinctive syntax of the X Games, “AWSM” is the extreme spelling of “awesome.”

During his post-slide-jump-showoff-land-fall interview, Horgmo created a bit of a scandal with his remarks to an on-camera correspondent.

“Nicole, that’s my board, she got pretty pissed at me on that first jump,” Horgmo said through teeth clenched in pain. “Good thing I gave her a wax job, y’know, a little bit of foreplay.”

“You’re talking about your board here?” asked the obviously embarrassed female reporter.

“Yeah. She likes it hard, though. But since she’s a twin-tip, she can go both ways.”

“Alright, thank you, Torstein,” said the reporter as she yanked the mike away from his totally radical face.

I’ve enjoyed watching the young people participating in the X Games. They’re so exuberant and full of life thanks to patrons such as Rockstar, Full Throttle and Red Bull energy drinks. Even major sponsors like Taco Bell and the U.S. Navy serve to put an extra spring in their steps.

But they hardly have a monopoly on the world of the extreme. Note the registered trademark word coming out of the Goldfish cracker’s mouth on the bag of “Slammin’ Sour Cream & Onion” snacks below.

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Bieber Releases New Nail Polishes

Justin Bieber has added several more nail polishes to his “One Less Lonely Girl Collection,” and young fans of the teen sensation are snapping them up as fast as they’re transferred from the toxic industrial vats where they’re created into fashion-forward bottles.

The eight cool hues already on the market flew off the shelves during the recent holiday season. Colors like “Red-y to Runaway Love,” “One Time Lime” and “Baby Blue” were so popular with the teen set that The Beeb is adding four more polishes.

Appearing at Wal-Marts and Targets across the United States of Justin in early February will be “Blueberry Huffin,” “Whiff You Were Here,” “Sporty Snort” and “Lass-a-Tone.” All four glosses contain high concentrations of acetone, the chemical that gives them their distinctive, hallucination-inducing aroma.

“No longer will young girls have to huff gasoline fumes from their mothers’ minivans,” said Nicole Olsen, whose fashion house in helping produce the line. “A dangerous high will be right at their fingertips.”

Olsen discounted reports that the fresh, hot polishes could cause brain damage in teenagers at a critical phase in their neural development.

“You have to figure most of Justin’s fans already have brain damage, so I can’t see these gorgeous new tones doing that much harm,” Olsen said. “Now, when he comes out later this year with lipsticks made of  spoiled beef tallow, there could be an issue in the gastrointestinal area. But we’ll deal with that later.”

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One Response to “Even more highlights from my mini-blog”

  1. Stentorphone Says:

    That was quite the neutral, scientifically-controlled experiment that you executed with your cats. I’m stunned that, given the choice between beef and metal, they went for the beef. Who’d a thunk it?

    Looks like Torstein Horgmo wears lipstick, not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.

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