Fake News: Everybody has a response

WASHINGTON (Jan. 26) — President Obama used his State of the Union address Tuesday night to challenge Americans to unleash their creative spirit, set aside their partisan differences and come together around a common goal of outcompeting other nations in a rapidly shifting global economy.

In the Republican response delivered shortly after the address, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) implored citizens to keep their creative spirit to themselves, put their partisan differences front and center, and come together around a common goal of rolling over and playing dead while other nations outcompete us in a rapidly shifting global economy.

Meanwhile, arch-conservative Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) delivered a response on behalf of the Tea Party asking the nation to spirit their creativity into the manufacture of dog leashes, look inside the differences between atomic particles, and ask hip-hop superstar Common to rapidly complete the loose-fitting shift he’s been sewing so it can be sold around the world.

Obama used the annual speech before both houses of Congress to outline his plan to “win the future” by investing in critical areas such as education, transportation, clean energy and improved Internet access, claiming that “the rules have changed.” Ryan countered that we should “not only win the future but trounce and humiliate it” while Bachmann called for “tying the past before losing narrowly in overtime.” Both Republicans disagreed with the assertion that the rules have changed, with Ryan claiming they were the same but simply typeset in a different font, while Bachmann claimed they were also “in a different pointsize.”

“We need to out-innovate, out-educate and out-build the rest of the world,” Obama said in his speech. “We have to make America the best place on earth to do business. We need to take responsibility for our deficit and reform our government. That’s how our people will prosper.”

“Nuh-uh,” countered Ryan, newly appointed chairman of the House Budget Committee. “We want America to be the best place in the universe to do business, not just the earth.”

Bachmann urged the American people to “in-outovate, ed-outucate and blow up the rest of the world.”

It seemed like everyone had a response to the nationally televised address, despite the fact that the president spoke in very general terms about vague goals that seemingly everyone could agree on. In a response aired nationally on all four major networks, the wise-cracking smart-ass who sat behind you in tenth grade government class mocked the president’s assertion that “this is our generation’s Sputnik moment.”

“Did he say this was America’s ‘butt-lick’ moment?” asked Randy Buxton. “I’m pretty sure that’s what he said.”

Buxton also criticized Obama’s anecdote about how salmon are under the purview of the Interior Department while in fresh water and managed by the Commerce Department while they’re in saltwater.

“You can’t manage salmon, everybody knows that,” Buxton told the nation. “Tuna, yes. Perch, maybe. But the best you’re going to do with salmon is to loosely supervise them and try to keep them from spawning in front of the children.”

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