More highlights from my mini-blog

Hiring Manager
Disney-ABC TV

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing this cover letter because I would like to be considered for the position of Regis Philbin with your organization. I understand that Mr. Philbin will be retiring soon, and ask that you consider my qualifications to replace him.

I am a highly trained crotchety old man and that is why I was very pleased to learn of this opening. I believe I would make an excellent addition to your staff.

I believe my extensive background in Word Perfect, Excel, Microsoft Outlook and Quark Xpress would be a good fit on the Live with [Name to Come] and Kelly show. I have done some television advertising acting for local businesses such as car dealerships and clothing boutiques. During my past experience I have handled a wide range of creative services, collaborating with peers, subordinates and vendors to produce marketing and other print communications. I am also equipped with good communication and editing skills.

I am the 1971 winner of the “Most Likely To Be On Television” award from Miami Norland High School. In 2002, I appeared in the background on the Today Show, waving my arms wildly as I stood on the street outside their studio. In 2008, I was arrested for bank fraud and had my mug shot appear on all three local television newscasts.

I have watched your show for a number of years and believe I would be a good match with Kelly. I am able to dumb down my conversational skills, I am not annoyed by the way she constantly tugs at the shoulders of her blouse, and I am not overly repulsed by her spindly arms and legs. I am familiar with the animal kingdom and would not confuse Ms. Ripa with a marmoset or lemur when she widens her eyes in amazement.

If you think I would be the right candidate for this job, then please arrange an interview for me as soon as possible. I am even able to relocate for this position, though I would prefer to use Skype for my daily appearances on the show. (Another qualification: I know how to use Skype).

Thanks for taking the time to consider my application.

+++

The Situation Room, CNN’s early-evening news program, should not be confused with The Situation’s room, the sleeping quarters of Jersey Shore‘s breakout male star, The Situation.

The CNN show features Wolf Blitzer, moving quickly from subject to subject, never stopping long enough to consider depth or analysis, but constantly looking at conflicts, violence, weaknesses of the flesh and moral decline. We see mobs of dissatisfied citizens, their fists piercing the air in a call for justice. All around them, civilization teeters on the brink of collapse while people think only of themselves, forsaking the greater good of their community.

To the contrary, on MTV’s Jersey Shore, we see “The Sitch,” moving quickly from subject to subject, never stopping long enough to consider depth or analysis, but constantly looking at conflicts, violence, weaknesses of the flesh and moral decline. We see mobs of dissatisfied citizens, their fists piercing the air in a call for justice. All around them, civilization teeters on the brink of collapse while people think only of themselves, forsaking the greater good of their community.

Wolf
A wolf

+++

HOLLYWOOD (Jan. 17) — Reaction to Ricky Gervais’ scathing performance at last night’s Golden Globes ceremony continued to pour in today, as the entertainment industry’s elite licked their wounds following the British comedian’s comments.

“He’s mean,” said Johnny Depp. “I’m telling my mom.”

“They say that sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you,” offered Angelina Jolie. “Well, I’m hurt. I’m really hurt. And Brad, well, he’s ready to kick Ricky’s ass.”

Gervais used the annual awards ceremony to call out a number of celebrities he felt needed to be brought down a peg. He labelled Robert Downey Jr. a “poopy-head,” Tom Hanks “ugly,” Tim Allen “wretched and deformed” and Reese Witherspoon “Drew Barrymore.” He said Will Smith “should be beheaded” and that the family of Anne Hathaway “should be exiled to Siberia and their farmland laden with salt.”

“I don’t know why everyone is so upset. It was all in good fun,” Gervais said. “When I say that Bruce Willis is bald and untalented, or that the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press is not fit to walk among us, I’m just stating the facts.”

Insiders disagreed that the comments were all in fun, and doubted Gervais would be invited to return next year.

“That… that was so unfair,” said action star Sylvester Stallone between sobs. “How would he like it if we said the same things to him? He’d be crying too.”

+++

Do you think the young actor in the often-shown Advil Cold Formula commercial will be putting “Mucus Man” on his resume?

It might work for his next acting gig, but I’m not too sure how it would go over if he opts instead to enter the corporate world.

+++

As my college-age son plays Madden ’11 NFL on his Xbox, and I sit nearby feigning interest, I can’t help but marvel at all the options available to game players. Not only can you select the teams and manage run versus pass calls, you can even select less-critical factors like the weather and what holiday the game is being played on.

I’m already looking forward to Madden ’12 (I’m told I can pre-order now for August 12 delivery, if I care to pointlessly tie up $60 for the next seven months). Here are some new options I’m hoping they offer:

  • type of celebratory bath given to coach (Gatorade, ice water, herbal tea, a nice ’06 Riesling, jet fuel)
  • accuracy of spelling of players’ names on their jerseys (Ben Wrothlisburger, Michael Vik, Chad Ochosinquo)
  • length of field (100 yards, 1 foot, 300 miles)
  • type of player ambulation (running, walking, skipping, sauntering, ambling, staggering, marching)
  • length of game (30 minutes, 1 hour, until Madden ’12 comes out)
  • coaches (current NFL coaches, living former presidents, real housewives, Norse gods)
  • player headwear (helmets, top hats, headbands, bad toupees)
  • player size (Lilliputian, gargantuan, sub-microscopic)
  • team nicknames (the Horsies, the Lemurs, the Squirrels, the GOP House Majority)
  • announcer voices (Alvin the Chipmunk, James Earl Jones, Oprah, Stephen Hawking)
  • types of player injuries (ACL strain, measles, third-degree burns, ileal colitis, boo-boo that really hurts)
  • how injured players are removed from the field (motorized gurney, golf cart, Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s Number 88 car, Segway, dragged kicking and screaming)
  • restroom availability for fans (plentiful, barely sufficient, entire stadium is jiggling their legs)
  • types of concessions available (standard stadium food, roots and berries, glue, fingernails, Lean Cuisine Swedish meatballs)
  • crowd enthusiasm level (spirited, sedated, meth-addled)
  • holiday garb of fans (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Secretary’s Day)
  • stadium naming rights (Heinz, Grey Poupon, Bob’s Big Boy, Martha Stewart)
  • geological phenomena near stadium (lava flow, earthquake, sinkholes)
  • atmosphere (a nitrogen/oxygen mix, methane, barbecue smell, cordial)

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One Response to “More highlights from my mini-blog”

  1. deyank Says:

    Your suggestions for Madden ’12 are hilarious – and very fitting.

    I offer the following:

    Type of taunting (yelling, sneering, giving the finger (not the index), mooning, depantsing)

    Quality of cheerleaders (plain, busty, plus-sized, oh-my-god!)

    Bill

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