Like I needed to waste more of my time, I’ve started a second blog. It’s called DavisOnTV, and sometimes it’s about stupid stuff on TV and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’ll appear daily (usually around 5 p.m.) and sometimes it won’t appear at all. Who knows? I may eventually lose interest and give it up entirely.
Until then, I invite readers who enjoy DavisW’s Blog to check it out, especially when you’re not in the mood to wade through one of my 1200-word essays on supermarket U-Scan machines. Most posts on DavisOnTV will be much shorter and snappier, as I practice reining in my tendency toward logorrhea. Occasionally, I’ll even get a little experimental, though I’ll try not to go all Yoko Ono on you and post a single large exclamation point as my commentary on sensationalism in TV news.
What follows are a few highlights that have appeared since this blog started Jan. 1. Give a look and see what you think.
Incidentally, I hope to have news of a third blog, appearing on the Charlotte Observer website, soon.
And, in case you’re wondering — no, I haven’t lost my regular job. I’ll find time to pursue these new efforts by giving up certain grooming rituals — shaving, flossing, bathing — that I’ve found in my experience to be significantly over-rated.
Things that make new Speaker of the House John Boehner cry:
- being teased about his Orange-American ethnicity
- only getting a “sidehug” during handover of speaker’s gavel from Nancy Pelosi (had been hoping for the “full frontal”)
- Toy Story 3
- the “Let’s All Go to the Lobby” concession ad shown before Toy Story 3
- most petrochemicals
- cheap lobbyists
- collar too tight
- the American people
- children (they’re our future)
- hard work, liberty, the genocide of indigenous peoples, and other American values
- Toy Story 2
- Love Story
- Dancing With the Stars
- healthcare reform that wasn’t his idea
- smelling salts
- gluten (allergic)
- triple vodka martinis
- speaking in the House
- peanut butter (really, any nut butter)
- the natural beauty and wonder of Ohio’s 8th Congressional district
- when President Obama calls him “a big baby”
Video transcript from the captain’s deck of the Enterprise:
Capt. Kirk: This evening, all of you bleeding hearts … why don’t just go ahead and hug yourself for the next 20 minutes or so, because there’s a really good chance you’re gonna be offended.
Science Officer Spock: Let’s get to my favorite topic — something foreign to the gay kid over there: chicks in the shower.
Kirk: Over the years, I’ve gotten several complaints about inappropriate materials in these videos, never to me personally but, gutlessly, through other channels.
Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy: Drop the F-Bomb! Drop the F-bomb!
Cut to shot of Montgomery “Scotty” Scott, who is feverishly simulating masturbation.
Scott: And when I’m done here, I’m going to eat some feces.
Cut to two women showering together, Communications Officer Lt. Uhuru and Captain’s Yeoman Janice Rand. They hold a life-size cutout of Capt. Kirk.
Kirk: Glad I could join you, ladies, at least in cardboard form.
Uhuru: We know that you’re no fag.
Kirk: Now, let’s move over to the men’s showering area.
Spock: Captain, I am not at all sure this is appropriate behavior as defined by Starfleet Command.
Kirk: You better be careful. With those ears, Spock, we may be simulating donkey sex with you.
Kirk pulls back another shower curtain, revealing Ensign Chekov and Lt. Sulu bathing together.
Kirk: Now Sulu, I kinda knew about you already. But Chekov, I’m surprised at you.
Checkov: I’ve been meaning to correct your, sir, for several years now. The name is Jackoff.
Fade to black.
Cleatus, the sports robot who struts his stuff in the bottom corner of the screen during Fox NFL games, was not himself Sunday.
Instead of the usual playful antics like dancing, hopping and holding a guitar, Cleatus sat quietly on a stool during both nationally broadcast games yesterday. At one point, he appeared to be reading a book. At another, he seemed to be writing holiday “thank you” notes.
“Cleatus has been diagnosed with a Class B concussion, and has been instructed to limit his activity,” said an NFL spokesman.
The Transformer-like automaton was reportedly kicked in the head when another corner-screen promo, this one for Fox’s upcoming season of “So You Think You Can Dance,” sent an amateur dancer lurching across the bottom of the TV. Just as he executed a Rockettes-style kick, the robot ventured too close and was struck in the head.
“We think he’ll be ready for the playoffs,” said a Fox representative. “His activity may be limited to polite applause and the occasional formal bow, but he will be a part of our coverage.”
Ranking the most character-dense bowl games on TV this holiday season:
1. San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl (39 letters)
2. Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman (38 letters)
3. Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl (37 letters)
4. (tie) Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl (31 letters)
4. (tie) Tostitos BCS National Championship (31 letters)
6. Beef ‘O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl (30 letters)
Note: I know, I know, the inclusion of entry number six is bound to stir debate among purists. I did count the open single quote, the close single quote, the apostrophe and the period in “St.” as characters, even though they’re not letters. However, if we don’t count those at all, but instead spell out “Saint” to its full five-letter length, the name would still amount to 29 letters, outdistancing the seventh-ranked “Rose Bowl Game Presented by Vizio” (28 letters).
The NCAA really needs to get rid of this bowl system and go to a playoff, so disputes like this won’t arise in the future.