As soon as the holidays pass, thoughts turn to the two major concerns of every New Year: weight loss and tax preparation. Now, there’s one company that can help you with both.
H&R Blob offers customers a unique combination of services that will help you shed pounds while pulling together all the various forms and statements needed to maximize your federal and state tax returns. You’ll be guaranteed compliance with most major features of the tax code and, at the same time, slim down that pudgy frame fast enough to be in compliance with this summer’s bathing-suit season.
“The common theme in both efforts has to do with deductions,” says H&R Blob President Jerry Moore in TV commercials hitting the airwaves this week. “We help you maximize the weight subtracted from your figure, and we help manipulate your financial figures to maximize the amount of taxes you avoid paying.”
H&R Blob’s business model is based on achieving a synergy between two daunting efforts. Pieces of both are cross-pollinated so that a pair of annoying headaches can instead become a single massive ischemic stroke that, when cured, leaves the customer both slimmer and wealthier. Though the process can be traumatic, many clients later report no memory of the effort itself, nor of loved ones or once-familiar pets.
Moore says H&R Blob takes pertinent numbers from your most recent health exam and plugs these into your tax form, doing away with artery-clogging W-2’s and 1099’s entirely.
“For example, we take your cholesterol numbers and use these as your tax credits. We take your triglyceride count and make this your number of dependents,” Moore said. “Your BMI (body mass index) translates as your withholding and your weight in grams becomes you adjusted gross income.”
Moore promises that the stress of pulling such a bold stunt on the Internal Revenue Service will provoke rapid weight loss as you lie awake sleepless at night, worried that you’ll be jailed for tax fraud.
“Our patented techniques will get you from a 1040 down to a weight in the low 900s in just a matter of weeks,” Moore claims. “Then, when the penalties and interest start kicking in around mid-May, your frame — and your pockets — will be further lightened. By June, you’ll be nearly skeletal. You’ll be the envy of the shore.”
Moore said the trick to getting a hefty refund is to carefully itemize all the food you’ve eaten in tax year 2010. Most officials at the IRS will be so confused to see “chocolate cake slice” and “banana cream pie” where normally home office supplies and business travel expenses are listed that you should expect at least double the amount you received in 2009. Since less than 1% of returns are subject to a formal audit, you have a 99% chance of avoiding a visit from a revenue agent coming to your home to weigh you.
“And if they do, it is our promise that we’ll stand behind you, and discreetly place a foot on the scales so it looks like you weigh more than you do,” Moore said. “Usually, they feel so sorry for your pathetic condition that the audit is dropped.”
H&R Blob also makes a special offer to the morbidly obese, arranging for them to qualify as a corporation or a partnership so that hundreds of pounds of excess flab can be disguised in the books as an off-shore venture, beyond the scope of U.S. income taxes.
“The bonus here is that you can take a tax-deductible trip to Bermuda or the Cayman Islands to set up your shell corporation,” Moore said. “Of course, the down side is that you may have to pay for as many as two or three airplane seats.”