We interrupt this blog to report that it’s cold

I was checking those site stats that WordPress claims I’ll “drool over” the other day, and nearly shorted out my keyboard with the excess sputum. A record 8,853 readers viewed my blog during the month of November, an average of almost 300 people daily. Looks like I’m finally developing a nice level of steady readership, I thought.

Then I looked more closely at the details.

On virtually each separate day, my most-read post was one I wrote over six months ago. The piece was a Website Review of a site that sells the “no!no!” hair removal system, often advertised on late-night infomercials. It was a fine bit of writing, I’ll admit, but hardly worthy of such continued viewing by what on some days amounted to half my readers.

I decided to Google “no no hair removal reviews” and discovered that my post was on the first page of searches returned, only a few entries down from the sponsored links by the makers of the electronic tweezers. My blog was becoming a go-to location for no!no! customers wishing to praise or vent their anger at the wisdom of their purchase.

“My senior citizen mother looks like a man who hasn’t shaved for a day after trying to make this jerky piece of very difficult equipment work properly,” wrote one commenter.

“On commercials, I did not see nor hear any guarantees of permanent hair removal, just the promise of no!no!-ing less often than shaving or chemical hair removal,” said another. “Trying to shape your own eyebrows is a fool’s errand if you’re using a handheld machine.”

“The machine burnt some hair to shorten it but I would get a much better result with a razor,” offered yet another reader.

“After fighting for a few months with the company, thank God I got ALL my money back,” noted Sharzie McMahem of the website nospamcomcast.

My dreams for the success of this blog didn’t rest on cornering the market on discussions about questionably effective hair-removal products. I aimed to cover a multitude of life’s topics from a humorous angle, commenting from the perspective of a fifty-something guy just trying to bring a little digital excitement into his life (I don’t count my annual prostate exam). I didn’t intend to become a message board for overly hirsute women unhappy with their mail-order purchases.

But you should be flexible in this new era of online communications, so I think I need to go with the flow. Today’s post will be the first in a series of articles that examine the challenges and delights that come with being a mammal. Having hair cover parts of our body that we may not want to be covered is a problem that perhaps I can do something to alleviate. Since information is power, I will from now on use this site as a virtual meeting place for those who want to learn and tell about all matters hairy.

Today’s installment: a brief social history of hair.

Hair has great social significance for human beings. It can grow on most external areas of the human body, except on the palms of the hands and the soles of the feet. Hair is most noticeable on most people in a small number of areas, which are also the ones most commonly trimmed, plucked or shaved.

Hairstyle may be an indicator of group membership. During the English Civil War, the followers of Oliver Cromwell decided to crop their hair close to the head, as an act of defiance to the curls and ringlets of the king’s men…

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG POST TO BRING YOU A MATTER OF URGENT IMPORTANCE. THE FOLLOWING IS A REPORT OF FAKING BREAKING NEWS

EASTERN HALF OF U.S. ( Dec. 8 ) — Employees arriving at offices in large swathes of the country report this morning that it’s “really, really cold” or “freezing out there.”

The deep and prolonged cold snap follows the arrival of an Arctic Clipper earlier this week that left locations from Maine to Wisconsin to Georgia with record low temperatures. Cars had trouble starting, heavy coats had to be located from rarely used closets, and cups of coffee had to be reheated once people arrived at their work. In a related inconvenience, some homeless people died.

“I can’t believe how cold it is this morning,” Jim Hooper, a financial analyst, told workers in his Towson, Md., firm just moments ago. “It’s incredible.”

“Man, I thought I would freeze my butt off,” said Allen Moyer, a bank employee in suburban Cincinnati. “I had to scrape the windshield on my car for a good ten minutes to get all the ice off.”

“I can’t stop shivering,” reported Amy Binder to her fellow cashiers at a grocery store in Charlotte, N.C. “Look at my hands. Really, just stop what you’re doing for a minute and look at my hands.”

Meteorologists speculate the annual arrival of winter late in the year was responsible for the icy blast that left millions of people jabbering endlessly about the weather. It seems the Earth’s annual rotation around the sun causes different parts of the globe to heat up or cool down for months at a time.

“I don’t remember it being cold last year,” said Dalton Stern, a salesman at an Atlanta car dealership. “I almost slipped on an icy patch out where they watered the grass yesterday afternoon. It’s definitely colder than it’s ever been before.”

“I don’t know about all that scientific stuff,” commented Alyce Bishop as she sat shivering at her desk, still wearing her hat and scarf despite the fact that the thermostat on the wall right in front of her recorded a balmy 71 degrees. “I think it’s God opening His refrigerator to get a snack and the cold air just rolls out from heaven down to us.”

Many also interrupted fellow employees who were obviously working on deadline with tales of children and pets who were also feeling the effects of a plunging thermometer.

“My daughter finally got a chance to wear that cute scarf I made for her,” said Angela Royston, a loan officer at a Lexington, Ky., bank. “You know the one I was showing you a picture of? The one I spent all summer crocheting? You remember, you said you liked the parts that were red? You know the one.”

“I tried to let the dogs out and they just stood at the door, sniffing the air,” reported Gerald Hawkey, a copy editor at a rural Pennsylvania newspaper. “I said, ‘go on, it’s not going to kill you,’ and they finally went but you could tell they didn’t like it.”

“And they say global warming is melting the ice caps and raising the sea levels,” observed Staten Island attorney Eric Newsome. “I could go for some of that global warming right about now.”

“It is so cold,” added his secretary. “Very, very cold.”

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2 Responses to “We interrupt this blog to report that it’s cold”

  1. evielee73 Says:

    Good stuff!

  2. LetUsAllUsPlayDominoes Says:

    Congratulations. A witty epistle on comprehensive banality from start to finish.

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