It’s Thanksgiving this week, and I think I know the reason it’s snuck up on us again. There are no warning songs, like you tend to get for weeks before Christmas. As much as I love the Thanksgiving holiday, it’s difficult to get in the spirit without appropriate musical accompaniment. (I think that’s why I always forget to buy everybody Labor Day presents).
To remedy this sad lack of audio cheer, I’m hereby submitting my ideas for new Thanksgiving carols. I’m suggesting existing holiday melodies, so once the turkey is done, we can easily transition into already familiar tunes for the rest of December.[To the tune of “Joy to the World”] Joy to the world The bird has come Let us remove his wings Take out the heart, Take out the lungs, But leave the gizzards in But leave the gizzards in But leave … but leave the gizzards in [To the tune of “Silent Night”] Silent night, holy night Hours until the first light Time to hit the malls and stores Time to start the busting of doors TVs for $499 Xbox for $299 [To the tune of “Good King Wenceslas”] Uncle Wenceslas looked down On the feast from mama Said she did a bang-up job Then started on Obama “He’s really Hitler in disguise, his policies are failin’” Then the poor man gave us fright, said he’s reading Palin. [To the tune of “What Child is This?”] What time is dinner? I need to know Should I skip lunch Or pick up “to go” I’ll gladly starve If we’ll eat at 3 By 4 though I’ll be crabby [To the tune of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”] I watched stupid TV marathons Nothing else was on Thanksgiving Day “Dirty Jobs” will make you sick “Real Housewives” makes you thick “Hell’s Kitchen” makes you want to bludgeon Ramsey with a stick [To the tune of “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”] Lions stinking in the Silverdome Cowboys rarely scoring ten Watching football on Thanksgiving Day It makes you want to leave the den Go to the kitchen and help the people cleaning plates Here there’s fellowship to see While in Dallas they’re imploding again As Romo blows another third and three [To the tune of “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer”] Rudolf the Grey Tofurkey Had a very shiny glow Made up of roots and veggies Making your digestion slow All of the other families Eat a real bird of meat However your hippie grandma Likes to mix her food with peat Then one foggy afternoon Grandpa rose to say “I refuse to eat this crap That’s not gravy, that’s tree sap” All of the other relatives Jumped and shouted out with glee “Let’s all run out to Wendy’s For a burger and large Frostie” [To the tune of “White Christmas”] I’m dreaming of a Black Friday Just like the one they had last year Where the guy at Wal-Mart Was torn apart Because low prices started here [To the tune of “Home for the Holidays”] Oh, there’s no place for you in the dining room Looks like you’ll have to sit back with the kids Though they yell and they spit and they smell real bad Now you know your life has really hit the skids You met a girl from Tennessee She looks just like your aunt But you’re 21 and she is only eight All she talks about is SpongeBob While you like Gothic bands They should have left her with a sitter Man, you really want to hit her