Yesterday, this blog posted the first part of an interview with Prince William, the future king of England. He was eager to establish an image for himself with the American public, now that he’s officially engaged to be married and looking forward to bigger things in the royalty business.
Today, we conclude that post with the second part of the interview.
DavisW’s Blog: Yes, when we left off, we were about to talk about your fiancée, Kate. How did you two meet?
Prince William: We were in the same history class at university. We had to work together for a report about King George VI and the role his stammer played in the Battle of Britain. Her view maintained that he had pro-German tendencies that kept him from mustering the Royal Air Force more quickly, while mine contended that he wanted to say that he hated Hitler, but just couldn’t get the words out. Her research was extremely thorough, straight out of the British Museum. I just asked my grandmother about him.
DB: So you’d say Kate was the better student of the two of you?
PW: If you mean did she go to class, did she do the assignments, did she take the exams, then, yes, she was a better student than me. Better than I? Sorry, I’m not really up on the Queen’s English. I really have no excuse, you know.
DB: So did the two of you hit it off immediately?
PW: No, no, she gave me the whole “just friends” treatment for the longest time. Every now and then I’d elbow her, give her a wink and ask “benefits?” but she kept thinking I was asking how she liked the welfare state. So we got to just liking each other as people before our first “horizontal hula,” about a year into the relationship.
DB: Is that when you knew for sure she’d be your future queen?
PW: I was hoping that was the case but we were careful not to rush things too much. I had to get over the whole thing about her being a commoner first. Royal blood was very important to me at that point, as long as I didn’t get any of it on my clothes.
DB: So you don’t mind that her father is a retired airline pilot and her mother a former flight attendant?
PW: Well, it was a little awkward the first time I met them. He stayed locked in this small room at the front of their house, and would only talk to his family over their intercom system. And even then, it was only to comment about land formations passing by outside the home, nothing at all personal. Her mother kept trying to sell me overpriced drinks and insisting that their sofa could be used as a flotation device in the event of a water landing. It was a little weird.
DB: Now, I understand they’ve made a fortune in their retirement years by selling party supplies on the internet…
PW: Yeah, “party supplies”, that’s what they call them. But the emails I keep getting from them say they’re “V!cod!n” and “A m B i E n” and they’re available without a prescription.
DB: And I haven’t read much about what kind of job Kate has now. What is she doing again?
PW: She’s a professional jeans-wearer.
DB: Professional? You can do that for a living?
PW: She can. Haven’t you seen the pictures on the internet?
DB: Yes. I see what you’re talking about.
PW: And those are her fat jeans, so you can understand why I’ve got this big stupid smile on my face.
DB: Do you think the two of you will continue working once you ascend to the throne?
PW: Well, I think we’ll pretty much have to, with this whole “Austerity Britain” thing going on. You saw where the Cameron government’s budget cuts are also affecting the money given to the royal household? I’m not sure we can get by on £23 million a year. I thought I could continue doing search-and-rescue helicopter piloting, maybe on a free-lance basis. And Kate could always take in ironing or do piecework in our home or something like that.
DB: And what about children?
PW: I suppose we could hire some to take care of the tedious hand-stitching, since she’ll be a little slow with that ginormous ring on her finger.
DB: No, I meant children for the two of you. You think you’ll be having some?
PW: Oh, tons, I’m sure. We still have that hemophilia gene running through my side of the family, so we’ll need to aim high even if we only want to end up with one or two.
DB: The whole British Empire is eagerly waiting for some new heirs. You think you might start your family soon?
PW: I don’t know, let me check. HEY, KATE, THIS GUY WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU WANT TO DO IT. [pause] NO, I THINK HE MEANS WITH ME. [pause] Well, she’s getting ready to wash her hair right now, though she said maybe later.
DB: So do you see yourself being a hands-on kind of king when you finally get the call?
PW: Well, I believe a good manager knows how to delegate authority, so I’m going to focus on the duties that have to be mine, and let others deal with the overseas trips and the meetings with prime ministers. That’ll let me focus on signing the palace employees’ timecards, scheduling their vacations, doing their annual reviews, real middle-management kinds of stuff. That’s my strength, I think.
DB: How about the throne-sitting. You’ll have to do that, right?
PW: I guess, if they make me. I’ve got real bad Restless Leg Syndrome so sitting still is not one of my strengths. Fortunately, I know where I can find some Ambien.
DB: Well, thanks again for taking time to talk with me, so I can introduce you to my readers here in the U.S. That was quite the coup for my blog, you know.
PW: Don’t say “coup,” if you don’t mind.
DB: Right. I understand. Thanks again, and hopefully I’ll see you around.
PW: Yeah, we’ll be sure to look you up if we ever make it to Rock Hill, South Carolina. I understand the Museum of York County has the world’s largest collection of stuffed African hooved mammals, and I’ve always been a sucker for hooved mammals, so you just might see me sometime. You have a spare couch or two if we need a place to stay?
DB: Sure. You’re welcome any time.