On Tuesday, Great Britain’s heir to the throne, Prince William, announced he was engaged to be married. His bride-to-be, Kate Middleton, will be the first commoner in over 300 years to be married to the man who will one day be king. The news sent the royalty-obsessed Brits into spasms of joy, despite the fact that they continue to live in England.
The Prince has kept a relatively low profile as he has grown up. The son of Prince Charles and the late Princess Diana has led a relatively normal life, thanks in large part to his late mum. It was she who taught the boys to behave like average citizens, not like the inbred horsefaces they are destined to become.
The Prince has remained relatively unknown outside of Britain, but now he seems to be reaching out to establish an image for himself overseas. As part of that effort, he contacted the writer of this blog Wednesday with a request to be interviewed. I know — I’m as surprised as you are. But you don’t say “no” to the future King of England, so I said “yes” instead. What follows are the highlights from an hour-long online conservation I had with what seemed like a regular guy.
DavisW’s Blog: This is really quite the honor. I’m not sure how I should address you …
Prince William: Technically, my name is William Wales, though my friends call me “Prince Of”. They called me “Will” back at university, and quite a few other names behind my back. But it won’t be long, baby, before you can call me Billy England.
DB: Okay … Billy. What made you want to seek out a little-known American blogger to introduce yourself and your fiancée to the U.S.?
PW: I really relate to you Americans. I’m a bit of a rebel myself. One time, at St. Andrews, I was five minutes late to an economics class.
DB: That’s not much of a rebellion …
PW: Yeah, well, unfortunately it was the part where they cover how to use figurehead royalty to help restructure a European post-socialist economy. Have a feeling I could’ve used that one.
DB: So you’re talking online with me from, where? Buckingham Palace? Big Ben? The Beatles’ house?
PW: No, I’m at Kate’s flat right now. Just swung by to let the dog out and figured I could get this interview out of the way while I was … shit. Damn dog. BAD, QUEENIE, BAD DOG!
DB: Uh, we don’t like to use that kind of language here at DavisW’s Blog. Please keep it PG, if you don’t mind.
PW: Pardon. A bit tense with all the attention we’ve been getting. So sorry.
DB: Well, let’s talk about that if we can. You and Kate Middleton have announced your intentions to be married next year …
PW: Or the year after.
DB: … yes, or the year after. Why such the long engagement?
PW: The schedulers had to work us in between the 2012 London Olympics, another one of those silly jubilees in 2011, and the complete financial collapse of the United Kingdom later this year.
DB: That still seems like a long time to wait. It’s not related to the troubles you two had a few years ago when you separated for a while, is it?
PW: No, no, not at all. We’re very much in love and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together. (Did I say that right, honey?)
DB: Billy, you know that we’re texting this interview, and you can’t keep the audience from hearing something by typing it in parentheses.
DB: Moving along, your fiancée seems like a lovely girl.
PW: First time we met, she was a little shy, with me being a prince and all. But I was like royally ready to tap that thang.
DB: Much has been made of the fact that you two have already lived together, and that she won’t be required to undergo a physical exam to confirm her virginity. Very modern — sounds like you’re dragging the Windsors into the 21st century. Do you plan to tweet during your wedding ceremony?
PW: Sorry, but I don’t use Twitter. It’s not that popular over here in England, what with our problems with the ethnic Twits and all. The only social network I’m active on is TotallyLinkedIn.
DB: How will your lives be different after the wedding?
PW: Well, hopefully, they’ll give us a palace so we can move out of this grotty flat. Horses and a carriage would be cool too, but not for everyday running around town. I’d like a Ford Edge for that. One with Bluetooth and a video camera instead of a rearview mirror.
DB: Do you get much say in how the ceremony will be staged? Does it have to be in a cathedral with thousands of dignitaries in attendance, or could you do it under a trellis, barefoot, on the beach if you wanted to?
PW: I’m the Prince, so I guess I could do whatever I wanted, as long as it didn’t require super powers. But I think I’m going to leave the details to all the gals. Grandmum might even stand untethered at the ceremony, she’s so stoked about this.
DB: And your father, he’s heavily involved too?
PW: What do you think? Last I heard, he said he’d try to make the wedding. There’s a whole story with him that I’m not sure I want to get into.
DB: It must be difficult to know he’s potentially standing between you and the throne…
PW: Well, you’ve hit it exactly on the head, haven’t you? My future career as head of an empire that spans the globe is pending the timely demise of both my father and my grandmother. Sounds like I’m going to be waiting around for a while, the way those two are going. I keep telling them they need to take up parasailing, but they’re not getting the hint.
DB: Sounds like an all-too-familiar situation. We have a lot of recent college graduates here in the States who are having trouble starting their careers. Some, probably like you, may even end up moving back in with their parents.
PW: You work so hard getting good grades in school — well, some people do, anyway — and you put in that mandatory face time in the military, and then you end up waiting like 50 years for the current line to finish dying.
DB: You do, however, have another job, is that right?
PW: Yeah, believe it or not, I’m a search-and-rescue helicopter pilot operating in the North Sea. You think a person lasts 50 years in a job like that?
DB: Let’s talk a little bit about Kate, if we can.
PW: I’d love to, but I see you’re about ready to run out of space. Why don’t we make this a two-parter?
DB: Why, yes. How very thoughtful of you to notice. We will continue the interview on Friday.
PW: Stay tuned, everybody.