Fake News: Dolphins and whales behind mystery

LOS ANGELES (Oct. 11) — Dolphins and whales are now believed to be behind the mysterious missile launch off the coast of southern California Monday night that sparked rumors of everything from a North Korean warning shot to an alien invasion.

That’s right. Dolphins and whales.

“We’ve long known that sea mammals such as these are highly intelligent creatures. We just didn’t know exactly how intelligent,” said marine biologist Laurence Bailey. “Apparently, they’ve developed a strategic nuclear strike force.”

The contrail captured by a TV news helicopter and flashed around the nation had been investigated by both Pentagon and national security officials, who were initially stumped as to the cause. It was only after a video was posted on YouTube late Wednesday claiming responsibility for the incident that officials acknowledged that dolphins and whales were behind the intercontinental ballistic missile firing.

“Hear us, America, and fear us too,” said an orca who identified himself as Osama bin-Willie, self-proclaimed leader of the so-called Cetacean Liberation Army. “We will no longer be patronized in the popular culture for our cuteness. We demand to be respected as the fierce ocean predators that we are. Oh, and also, stop messing up the environment.”

Shortly after the video was released, Navy submarines in the eastern Pacific spotted an elaborate military base on the seabed about 1,000 feet below the surface. Work crews of dolphins and whales swarmed about the site, maintaining launch silos and performing training exercises.

“We were going to release a hail of torpedoes and destroy the threat,” said Navy Adm. Andrew Ronald. “But they’re such appealing creatures, we just couldn’t do it. How could I tell my grandchildren I was involved in the massacre of hundreds of Flippers and Shamus?”

Bin-Willie, who spoke with reporters via satellite link from an undisclosed location early Thursday, responded “that is exactly my point. I’m a killer whale, for Christ’s sake. ‘Killer’ is right there in my name. How could you regard me as cute? How can you kidnap us from the wild and make us perform tricks throughout the greater Orlando area? We will not stand for this any longer.”

Bin-Willie said that if all performing dolphins and whales are not released by midnight Sunday, “a full-scale nuclear attack will be unleashed on the U.S.”

“Fwee, fwee,” he added.

It is now believed that dolphins and whales may also be involved in the incident that left a Carnival cruise ship crippled off the coast of Mexico following a mysterious fire and power outage earlier this week. Over 4,000 passengers and crew members aboard the Splendor were stranded for three days before being towed to San Diego.

“It appears that a suicide beluga intentionally thrust himself into the propulsion system of the ship, shorting out electricity and disabling the vessel,” said Al Hanson, a spokesman for Carnival Cruise Lines. “They may have been planning to board the liner to seize control of hostages but couldn’t quite figure how to wriggle their slippery armless bodies up the side of the ship.”

“Yeah, we’re responsible for that one,” said bin-Willie. “You narrowly escaped our clutches. If we could clutch stuff.”

Bin-Willie said the ship seizure would’ve represented a protest against whale-watching and against the seafoods served on board. Even after power was lost and passengers had to resort to emergency food rations, “they continued to eat products like Spam and Pop-Tarts that are not certified ‘dolphin-safe’,” bin-Willie said.

“I’m not even sure Pop-Tarts are people-safe, but at least you get to choose what you put in your own maw,” he said. “In captivity, we have to eat mostly chum, with only the occasional trainer thrown in as a rare treat.”

Defense Secretary Robert Gates said he was working closely with President Obama to deal with the cetacean threat. Tuna producers like Star-Kist and Bumble Bee may be brought in as military contractors, and the Japanese fishing industry may also be enlisted as consultants.

“We will not be terrorized into submitting to the dolphins and the whales,” Gates told reporters at a Pentagon briefing. “We’re at least as smart as they are. Plus, we have hands, which should be a big advantage in the epic battle that lies before us.”


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One Response to “Fake News: Dolphins and whales behind mystery”

  1. Paul Dixon Says:

    Another hilarious post, Davis. Send it to John Pinette. I’m sure he could riff on your basic idea.

    The role of the dolphins seems a bit unclear, though, as the whales appear to be calling the shots both literally and figuratively.

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