LONDON (Nov. 1) — Western security officials continued to be on guard for suspicious cargo packages yesterday after several bombs were shipped from Yemen to Europe via FedEx and UPS aircraft.
A spokesman for the terrorist group Netflix on the Arabian Peninsula (NAP) promised that more bad movies would soon be delivered to targets in the U.S., some as quickly as within 24 hours.
“We will not stop our attack on the American infidels until they stop their assault on our intelligence by producing films of such awful quality,” warned NAP founder Reed Hastings in a recording shown on Al-Jazeera. “You can look for more copies of Did You Hear About the Morgans? and Confessions of a Shopaholic to be aimed at your transportation system.”
A tip from the Saudi intelligence service led to the discovery over the weekend of the two critically panned movies packed secretly inside a pair of printers that were destined for Chicago. Both films were removed from the cargo hold before anybody could watch them, but the incident brought to light a weakness in global anti-terrorism security that could cause officials to reassess current systems.
“I think it’s safe to say that a major attack is in our queue,” said security analyst Louis Mayo. “Even though we avoided a bombing this time, it’s probably inevitable. As the delivery methods continue to expand, more and more copies of films like Old Dogs and The Love Guru are going to make their way to innocent victims.”
The NAP’s Hastings seemed ready to admit as much, saying “if you liked the Madrid train bombings and attacks on U.S. embassies in Africa, you might also like Fred: The Movie.”
In a separate incident involving domestic attackers apparently operating a sleeper cell in Michigan, a man was arrested at a Dearborn Best Buy trying to slip a copy of Year One he had obtained from Netflix into the DVD player that fed all the TVs in the store. Witnesses reported that he shouted “Allah akbar! God is great! And Jack Black is usually great too, but he wasn’t given much to work with in this tired romp through prehistory!” before being subdued by an off-duty policeman.
No one was injured in the thwarted attack because the suspect, Abdul Rullah, had put the disc into the player upside down.
“It’s only due to the inept efforts of guys like Rullah, the guy who set his underwear on fire, and the guy who locked his keys in the car in Times Square, that we have been spared,” said Homeland Security secretary Janet Napolitano. “Eventually one of these horrid rom-coms are going to show up on somebody’s home theatre screen, and it won’t be a pretty picture.”
Officials are particularly concerned about a move by Netflix away from home delivery of DVD mailings toward a new business model that streams video and movies directly to a customer’s game system or computer. Airliners would be safer, since these bombs wouldn’t take a physical form, but mass casualties will still be possible, especially if everyone tries to download The Break-Up Artist all at the same time.
Other jihadist factions in the Arab world are also thought to be working on delivery of potentially catastrophic cinematic flops to the American public. Redbox is reportedly involved in a plot to booby-trap vending machines located outside convenience stores. A man in Boulder, Col., recently had his hand blown off while trying to rent When in Rome at a BP station near his home.
And the original major player in the video rental field, Blockbuster, is continuing its corporate strategy of operating bricks-and-mortar storefronts around the country, hoping that viewers are still willing to make a special trip across town just so they can rent a Reese Witherspoon release capable of destruction on an unprecedented scale.
“Welcome to Blockbuster,” said store manager Amy Gerald when reporters asked if her outlet was storing any bombs. “You really think you might want to rent a movie? Because, we haven’t seen anybody in here doing that for quite a while. If not a movie, maybe you’d like to buy a copy of Rolling Stone, or perhaps a Nutty Buddy ice cream cone.”
“You know, we have games too,” she added.