Fake News: Democrats court Jackass vote

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Oct. 18) — Trying to regain political momentum from the young voters who carried them to electoral victory in 2008, Democratic leaders announced yesterday they will stage a “Jackass”-style nationwide tour in the final weeks leading up to midterm elections.

“We’re calling it ‘Jackass 2010-D,'” said party chairman Tim Kaine. “With the donkey as the Democrats’ mascot and so many dumb-ass Tea Partiers as our opponents, it seemed like the logical connection.”

All the leading stars in the majority party will spend the next three weeks traveling to states where key races for Congress are taking place. There, they’ll risk their lives performing dangerous and ridiculous stunts to draw notice to their candidates.

“You look at our record and you can see we’ve accomplished quite a bit in the last two years,” Kaine said. “Unfortunately, most voters don’t have the time or the reading skills to comprehend what we’ve done, so we’ll go out and risk a grisly death to try to get their attention.”

President Barack “Bam” Obama will spend the next ten days aboard Air Force One criss-crossing the Midwest to drum up support for Democrats in that region. Among the feats he’ll perform will be the “Bam Can’t Fly” jump, where he’ll attempt to descend from the presidential 747 using only a huge umbrella. He’ll also stick a chicken in his underwear and walk a tightrope over a pool of alligators.

“Some might say this stunt is beneath the dignity of the nation’s highest office,” Obama told reporters at the White House. “I say, bring on the chicken!”

Vice President Joe “Joe-O” Biden will be responsible for the mid-Atlantic states. He’ll appear Thursday at a fund-raiser for Delaware Senate candidate Chris Coons, who’s waging a tough battle against Republican Christine O’Donnell. Biden will use a 120,000-volt stun gun and a 50,000-volt Taser on himself to demonstrate how O’Donnell’s right-wing values are “outside the mainstream.” Then he’ll stuff wasabi up his nose.

“She’s called evolution a ‘myth’ and she opposes masturbation, despite being pretty cute,” Biden said. “That’s much more shocking than what I’m going to attempt.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who’s become a target of many Republicans running for Congress, will tour the West Coast, performing a stunt in which she’s launched in the air while inside a port-a-potty filled with excrement.

“Since I’m likely out as speaker of the house, it seemed almost poetic that I’d be campaigning from an outhouse,” Pelosi said. “I’m already comfortable being showered with dung in the work I’ve done in Congress, so this one seemed like a natural for me.”

Elsewhere on the “Jackass 2010-D” trail, former vice president Al “Johnny Nashville” Gore will head up a tour around the Southeast. At each stop, he’ll tie one of his teeth to his battery-powered bus and have it extracted as the motorcoach pulls away at high speed. In the Southwest, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid will attend rallies in Arizona, New Mexico and Colorado at which he’ll play tetherball using a hive filled with Africanized bees. In the Northeast, Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank will have his chest hair removed by super glue, though it’s not clear whether this is part of the campaign or simply part of Frank’s daily grooming regimen.

Elsewhere, House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer will make several appearances with House Majority Whip Jim Clyburn in which they’ll jump on trampolines until their hair becomes entangled in a ceiling fan, undergo a tattoo procedure in the back of an off-road pickup truck, and be blind-folded and rammed by a charging yak.

Even the Clintons and some members of the former president’s cabinet will be getting into the act. Bill and Hillary will lace each other’s morning coffee with industrial-strength poisons, a seemingly deadly feat made possible by the immunity each has built up to the toxins administered over the last 30 years of marriage. Former secretary of labor Robert “Wee Man” Reich will serve as human bait in an attempt to fish for sharks, and will later try to milk a male horse. Former secretary of state Madeleine Albright and former secretary of energy Bill Richardson will reach out to women and Hispanics by surgically removing each other’s appendix without anesthesia.

“You hear a lot of talk about an ‘enthusiasm gap’ in this election, and this effort is designed to overcome that gap,” said chairman Kaine. “You can’t get much more excited than having high doses of electricity charging through your body.”

Democrats hurtle toward victory, and possible death


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