Tidbits for a Friday

One of my favorite terms in the business of financial documentation, where I make my living, is “satisfaction and discharge.” I don’t know what it means exactly but it’s something to do with “indentures,” which are kind of like dentures except not at all. If it were the other way around — “discharge and satisfaction” — I’d know exactly what they were talking about.

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Here are some other terms and phrases from the prospectuses I read that I enjoy: “compensation package,” which replaces your real package when you’re successful enough to be getting stock options and fully paid health insurance coverage; “the parties met telephonically,” which means one guy called another guy on the phone; “orally indicated,” which means “said”; “stakeholders,” which sound like vampire killers; “mandatory redemption,” apparently a requirement that you submit to Christ; “tender offer,” something one lover might make to another; “total capitalization” which, for some reason, is set in all lower-case letters; and “EBITDA,” which always reminds me of Porky Pig.

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I see that Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, breakout star of “Jersey Shore,” is now frequently going by a shortened version of that nickname, “The Sitch.” When he tires of that, I predict the following progression: “TS” (short for “The Sitch”), followed by “Tease” (a combination of “T” and “S”), followed by “Darjeeling” (a type of tea), followed by “Darj,” followed by “DJ.” At this point, to avoid confusion with fellow cast member DJ Pauly D, he will continue on to “DJ2,” “The Second,” back to “TS” (short for “The Second”) and finally to “That Guy Working at Walmart Who Used to be ‘The Situation’.”

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Loving the baseball playoffs, but not understanding the excessive spitting by the ballplayers. Are all the steroids causing water retention, which for some reason can only be expelled orally? I suppose there are worse ways of getting rid of excess hydration in public. I’m just glad this isn’t an issue in other occupations, like law, banking, medicine, politics, etc. How awkward would it be for your dentist to be matching you spit for spit during your oral surgery?

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My normally taciturn manager stopped by my desk the other day to show me a picture of himself as a five-year-old. I’m not sure why, nor do I have any idea what was the proper response in a workplace setting. I said he was “cute,” then immediately regretted my choice of words, lest it be grounds for some type of verbal harassment. Wish I would’ve said something like “my, you were young once.”

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Easiest job in the world must be as an advertising copywriter for TV ads featuring sports celebrities. During last night’s playoff game, for example, we got to see Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon extol the virtues of a vitamin product for men over 50. “That’s a hit!” he proclaimed. Football stars “tackle” dandruff problems, basketballers think buying the new Ford Edge is a “slam dunk,” and race car drivers using Viagra “finish first,” though their wives don’t necessarily think this is something they should be bragging about.

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Listeners of National Public Radio are no doubt familiar with the philanthropic work of Robert Wood Johnson, a 19th-century entrepreneur and  industrialist whose foundation funds many of the network’s best programs. I want to hear more about his brother, Dick Wood Johnson, the pioneering pornographer.

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In the third inning of last night’s Braves-Giants game, the high-definition feed briefly changed to regular definition. I thought I was having a stroke.

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Was saddened to hear driving in this morning that the lyricist for the eighties Caribbean-influenced dance hit “Hot! Hot! Hot!” had died. As we pause to remember this great artist, it’s worth recalling his words as we seek comfort for our loss:

I’m hot, you’re hot, he’s hot, she’s hot
I’m hot, you’re hot, he’s hot, she’s hot
Real hot, real hot, real hot, real hot
How you feeling?
Hot hot hot, hot hot hot
Hot hot hot, hot hot hot
Hot hot hot, hot hot hot

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Spectrum Brands is one company that seems to have nailed the concept of corporate synergy. They’ve brought together diverse and seemingly unrelated products under one roof, and somehow made them connected. The company has four divisions: Global Batteries and Personal Care (global?); Global Pet Supplies (again with the global?); Home and Garden; and Small Appliances. Name brands you may recognize include Dingo Meat in the Middle rawhide snacks for dogs, Rayovac batteries, Hot Shot bug killer, Remington shavers, George Foreman grills and Breadman breadmakers. So if you ever need to plump up the family pet, stun him, kill him with poison, remove the hair from the meat, cook him on a grill that drains off all the fat, and serve him up as a sandwich, Spectrum Brands is the company you need to turn to.

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One Response to “Tidbits for a Friday”

  1. Phillip Donnelly Says:

    Petition your President to have you send abroad as a goodwill ambassador and seal the deal with promises of mirth-related benefits package… and now the wait to see if this reply will make it through, or if it will create ye olde server error message, like many others–well, three or four actually, but it’s annoying nonetheless.

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