Fake News: Ryder win cheers Europe

LONDON (Oct. 4) — A website associated with al-Qaida announced yesterday that the jihadists will cancel plans for a major terrorist operation in Europe and instead join in the continent’s celebration of a memorable 14½ to 13½ Ryder Cup win over the American team.

The biennial golf match that pits two continents’ best pros against each other in a variety of formats finished Monday in Wales after a weekend of weather delays. There was no previous indication in earlier communiqués from the notorious radicals that they watched golf on television, especially a tournament that’s not on the regular PGA tour.

But al-Qaida spokesman Akbar Alawi said he and other terrorists like the ancient game, even if they have few opportunities to play it themselves in the forbidding terrain of northwest Pakistan.

“We enjoy very much looking at all the green grass,” Alawi said. “And we like the match play better than the medal play. And when someone hits the green of a par five in two, we all yell ‘good shot’ and fire our weapons into the air.”

Alawi said the rumored plot of a terrorist attack, possibly on tourist destinations or the transportation infrastructure, was put on hold indefinitely in tribute to the aggressive play of the European team.

“We hate all westerners, but we hate the Americans — and, of course, their freedoms — the most,” Alawi said. “When we saw Graeme McDowell hold off a late charge by young Hunter Mahan to clinch the cup for Europe, we offered up a hearty ‘Allah is great!’ and decided then and there to cancel our attack.”

Meanwhile, revelers throughout Europe celebrated the golf victory Monday in the characteristic rowdy style of its sports fans. In Paris, the festivities included several incidents in which golf enthusiasts sprayed Metro trains with AK-47 automatic weapons fire. In Rome, partiers set off a car bomb outside the Colosseum. In London, a man wearing a suicide vest blew himself up in Trafalgar Square, shouting “Four-Ball Forever” shortly before the explosion. At a restaraunt in Madrid, somebody put the wrong kind of sausage in the paella.

Or maybe that was al-Qaida. Europe is very confusing to us Americans, what with all the people driving the wrong direction and speaking the foreign language.

Regardless of the website announcement, the U.S. State Department continued its warnings that travelers headed to European destinations need to be vigilant, and to expect occasional inconveniences in the interest of security.

“Citizens of the U.S. should be prepared to sit for hours on long transatlantic flights, endure endless waits at baggage claims, encounter confusing airport signs and be cheated by surly taxi drivers,” said State Department spokesman Jason Williams. “And all that’s before you even get to your hotel. If you plan to see the sights, expect unseasonably damp weather and crushing disappointment, especially at something as over-hyped as the Changing of the Guard.”

“Remember too that they use funny money over there,” Williams warned. “I would encourage all Americans to be wary of their change, and to count it carefully. And don’t even get me started on the  pick-pockets.”

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2 Responses to “Fake News: Ryder win cheers Europe”

  1. Stentorphone Says:

    My sources tell me that Al-Qaida became involved when they misunderstood that it was a “Ryder truck” that beat the Americans, not the “Ryder cup”.

    They’ve always had a pleasant relationship with the Ryder truck rental company, and the folks at Ryder tell me that Al-Qaida has never once failed to replace a blown-up vehicle promptly.

  2. Phillip Donnelly Says:

    As my ears switch off automatically when anyone mentions the word ‘golf’ I had always thought the Ryder Cup was some kind of kinky event for tea drinkers, but now it appears to be instrumental in the Alli Q imminent attacks on poor old Europe; and worse still, to involve the the anti-sport of golf.
    The horror!

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