Fake News: Actual simpleton running for president

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Sept. 27) — At first, the Tea Party was satisfied with promoting unconventional candidates at the state level.

Perky and quirky, these included Rand Paul, the Kentucky libertarian who questioned the Civil Rights Act; Sharon Angle, the Nevada Republican who promised “Second Amendment solutions” to national problems like the continued breathing of Democrats; and Christine O’Donnell, the Delaware doll who dabbled in the Dark Arts.

These and others were dubbed “crazy,” “impulsive,” “cynical” and “dim-witted” by many in the national press. Their defenders countered “I know you are but what am I?”, and basically made the claim that learning-disabled wack-jobs had as much right to representation in Congress as did more literate and reasonable people.

Now comes the announcement that Steve Culver, a medically certified imbecile with schizophrenic paranoid delusions, is the first Tea Party candidate to announce his intention to run for president in 2012.

“Uldy-duldy, uldy-duldy,” Culver told a packed press conference in his hometown of Baton Rouge, La.

Culver proudly bills himself as a “Washington outsider” with the background to effect meaningful change on a national level, despite an IQ of 47. His campaign manager said he was originally diagnosed by psychologists as a “low-functioning moron,” but a recent bout of fever sent him plummeting to his current imbecile status.

“Morons are elitists,” Culver said. “Imbeciles, idiots and the feeble-minded — these are the real Americans, the people I’m hoping will support me.”

Despite his mental state, and the delusion that “the bats! the bats!” are flying in and out of his ears, Culver brags of an extensive background that he feels qualifies him for high office.

“I’ve held a lot of jobs,” Culver said. “I’ve been a short-order cook, a smoker, a passenger, a super-middleweight, and I’ve been probed by aliens. I’m a good listener, a self-starter, I know Excel and I once killed a man just to watch him die. Let’s see if any of the major party candidates can make these claims. Yow-za!”

Many of Culver’s proposals would’ve been regarded as bizarre only a few short months ago, but the conservative movement’s drift toward the lunatic fringe now places him squarely in the mainstream, especially since that stream recently jumped its banks and stranded moderates high and dry.

Like many in the Tea Party, Culver wants a “smaller government, perhaps run by midgets and pygmies, but not any of them African pygmies, I want all-American forest dwellers.” He wants to dismantle large parts of the federal system, eliminating all cabinet departments that begin with a vowel. And he wants to rein in spending, requiring the government to show two forms of ID before it is allowed to use its debit card.

To address the economic downturn, he said he will focus “like a laser on shiny objects and on job creation.” He has put forth a number of proposals to get people back to work: beginning a massive program to transplant dog heads onto cat bodies and vice versa; relocating the entire nation about 100 feet underground; and hiring out-of-work clerical personnel to string paper clips together that will then be used to build a fence along the Mexican border.

Among government reforms Culver is eyeing is a plan to “bring federal functions closer to the Constitution, moving staffers into the National Archives so they can sit right next to it.” He also wants to reduce “taxis and faxes, as well as taxes,” and intends to create a cabinet-level office so he can appoint that flute-playing guy from the Burger King breakfast commercials to “secretary of the Department of Awesome.”

Culver admitted that his limited experience in government could be a hindrance, so instead of fielding a vice-presidential candidate to run with him, he is asking Fox News pundit Glenn Beck to fill the post of “More President” should he be elected.

“I believe in establishing a vision for my administration, then picking qualified people who will have responsibility delegated to them to carry out this vision,” Culver said. “I plan to spend my time as a crime fighter, in a costumed crusade against super-villains. They’ll call me ‘President Man’ and I’ll be feared throughout the underworld.”

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