Fake News: The Queen and The Pope are on their own

LONDON (Sept. 20) — A summit of world leaders so prominent that they are referred to simply as “The This” or “The That” has concluded in London with disappointing results. Political bickering caused what was hoped to be a larger meeting to end up with only two participants — The Queen and The Pope.

“We felt it was the right time to bring together the globe’s biggest icons so they could discuss the staggering number of crises facing the planet, and just hang out with their own kind,” said organizer The Edge, lead guitarist for the politically active rock band U2. “I was sorry we couldn’t get more of these folks involved. The devil is in the details, I guess.”

“Hey,” he added. “We should’ve invited The Devil!”

Among the most well-known figures to be turned away from what had become known as “The ‘The’ Summit” were U.S. President Barack Obama, and the spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhists, The Dalai Lama.

Obama, widely referred to as simply “The President,” was challenged for that seat by Al Hammer of Indiana, president and CEO of Terre Haute Electric (THE). Hammer insisted that it was he who was THE President and that, because his “THE” was spelled with all caps, he should be awarded the slot over Obama. In the end, organizers couldn’t decide which man had the more legitimate claim, so both were turned away.

The Dalai Lama was refused admission because two names followed his “The” instead of just one.

“If they use a modifying adjective as part of their name, they’re simply not esteemed enough,” said another organizing official, Robert Kirk. “If he were known as just ‘The Lama’, then we might’ve seated him, although we’d then have the issue of whether he was widely respected figure of peace and spirituality, or perhaps a hooved South American pack animal prized for its soft and lanolin-free coat.”

Others who had wanted to attend but were turned away included actor Duane “The Rock” Johnson, hip-hop artists The-Dream and The Game, TV reality star The Situation, and Vegas funnyman The Unknown Comic.

“Each of these men made a good case for why they should be able to attend but, in the end, each faced a simple technicality that kept them out,” Kirk said. “The Rock has moved away from his wrestling name as he attempts to make a career in the movies. The-Dream uses a hyphen, which we just can’t have. The Game and The Situation almost qualified, but their stature on the world stage wasn’t quite high enough. As for The Unknown Comic, I don’t think any explanation is required.”

Several other applicants attempted to make the case that, although their name didn’t start with “The”, their use of a similar determiner article should allow them to attend, at least in an advisory capacity. Among these were A. O. Scott, film critic for The New York Times, and A. Philip Randolph III, grandson of the mid-20th century civil rights leader.

“First of all, to Mr. Scott, I would say his name would have to be ‘An O. Scott’ to be grammatically correct,” said Kirk. “And for Mr. Randolph, with the ‘Philip’ and the ‘III’, it was just way too much.”

Legendary Texas oilman T. Boone Pickens tried to claim that the “T.” in his first initial stood for “The”, but a quick check at Wikipedia revealed it stood for “Thomas.”

Other pretenders who attempted to persuade the selection committee to allow their admission were film director M. Night Shyamalan, architect I. M. Pei, and R&B musical artist R. Kelly.

“‘M’ is not ‘Am’, and even if it were, as the first person singular present of ‘be’, it’s more a verb than an article,” Kirk said. “‘I’ is a first person singular pronoun and ‘R’ or ‘are’ is a third person plural present. If these guys wanted to end up as major players in global geopolitics, they should’ve paid a little more attention in seventh-grade English class.”

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One Response to “Fake News: The Queen and The Pope are on their own”

  1. LetUsAllUsPlayDominoes Says:

    Sic dicit Papa.

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