Only two days after bemoaning the lack of news during the dog days of August, suddenly I find there are so many current events going on that they keep bumping into each other.
- A California judge ruled late yesterday that the state’s ban on gay marriages is unconstitutional. Taking immediate advantage of the case, former Bristol Palin fiance Levi Johnston and Chelsea Clinton’s now ex-husband Marc Mezvinsky announced they will marry in a civil ceremony in Los Angeles. Officiating at the ceremony will be two judges, one representing Johnston’s Media Whore faith and the other from Mezvinsky’s Jewish heritage. Former American Idol arbiter Simon Cowell will read an incoherent screed against the Palin family written by Johnston for the occasion, while fellow AI ex-judge Ellen DeGeneres will recite a summary compensation table from a recent proxy statement co-authored by investment banker Mezvinsky.
- Democratic congresspersons Charles Rangel and Maxine Waters, both subjects of ethics investigations that threaten to derail Democrats’ attempts to hold onto Congress this November, have been given a special assignment by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Both will be sent to a dinghy anchored 100 miles off the Louisiana coast where they will constantly watch the surface of the Gulf for any signs that the now-contained BP oil spill has sprung a leak. “This is very important work, even though it’s unfortunate they’ll be so far out of the public eye,” said Pelosi. Should the two representatives spot any new sign of oil, they’ll shout their findings to a nearby boat containing a member of the cast of Jersey Shore, who will then repeat the relay to other JS cast members all the way back to the beach. “The Situation” will be on shore to receive the message, then will further garble it before reporting to the Coast Guard that the “boil pill is back in the daughter.”
- After several days of anticipation, Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre belted out his 600th pronouncement about whether or not he will retire from football in the upcoming season. He joins a list of only five other professional athletes who have been so indecisive about what turn their careers will take next. On the same day, it was announced that Shaquille O’Neal has signed a one-year NBA contract with the Boston Celtics, his fifth team in five years. If, as many expect, he ends his basketball career in midseason to sign with the RE/MAX team of local real estate professionals you’ve come to know and trust, he will tie the previous record of six team changes held jointly by actresses and part-time lesbians Anne Heche and Lindsay Lohan.
- An effort to build a mosque on the site of the Arizona/Mexico border was approved by a judge yesterday only days after implementation of Arizona’s new anti-immigration law, making it impossible to find people to actually work construction on the mosque site. Meanwhile, conservative Republicans in Congress promised to hold hearings about possible repeal of the 14th Amendment, which guarantees automatic citizenship to children born of illegal immigrants. There was also talk in some right-wing circles about the introduction of a new 28th Amendment to the Constitution that would require children already naturalized to serve permanently in landscaping, hotel maintenance, warehouse and building trades occupations. Early drafts of the proposed amendment also call for the heat wave that has gripped the eastern part of the nation for the past two weeks to be ended.
- In international news, model Naomi Campbell survived an apparent assassination attempt yesterday when the motorcade in which she and Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad were traveling barely missed a grenade attack, or maybe it was just a firecracker. Campbell was headed to The Hague in Belgium to testify at the international war crimes trial of former Liberian President Charles Taylor while Ahmadinejad was going to Pakistan to personally stop the deadly flooding there by raising his arms, blinking, and nodding his head. They had decided to share a cab at a layover in the United Arab Emirates. After the near-miss, Campbell tried to warn fellow war crimes witness Ali “The Bachelorette” Fedotowsky about the apparent danger in the region, but couldn’t get her Blackberry to work because of new telecommunications rules imposed by the conservative Islamic government. Fedotowsky’s connection to the former Liberian strongman was unclear, but ABC has hinted that the two could be the subject of a new reality show tentatively scheduled for spring 2011.