[Editor’s Note: The quotes in the following article are real. The hypothesis that the candidate is a living organism is speculation.]
MANNING, S.C. (July 19) — Alvin Greene, South Carolina’s surprising Democratic nominee for the U.S. Senate, made his first campaign speech yesterday, displaying a fully functioning autonomic nervous system and manipulating his diaphragm, lungs and larynx in such a way as to cause sounds to come out of his mouth.
Greene, the unemployed Army veteran whose sole exposure to politics occurred when he allegedly tried to lure a female college student to his bedroom, won a surprising primary victory in May to challenge incumbent Republican Sen. Jim DeMint. Greene got off to a slow start in the race for funding — his $1,000 war chest pales in comparison to his opponent’s cache of $3.5 million — but he’s emerging now on the campaign trail, starting to make up lost ground with a six-minute speech in his hometown.
Attendees at the event claimed that Greene appeared to be breathing, and that a rapid heartbeat was apparent beneath his suit. His perspiration was definitely functioning, as the 32-year-old Democrat repeatedly wiped his brow with a handkerchief. Salivation was somewhat inhibited, apparently by his nervousness, but the diameter of his pupils did respond to slight changes in light in the Manning Junior High School gym. Observers sitting immediately behind the Senate candidate confirmed there was little doubt that his digestion was functioning normally.
Greene bravely resisted the “fight or flight” response, grasping the podium tightly to overcome those instinctive animal urges. Even though it was evident that blood was diverted away from his GI tract and skin via vasoconstruction, that his skeletal muscles had blood flow enhanced by as much as 1200%, that peristalsis was inhibited and that all sphincters were constricted, Greene thoughtfully discussed jobs, education and justice as key themes of his campaign.
“Okay, my campaign is about getting South Carolina and America back to work and moving South Carolina and America forward,” Greene said.
He stressed repeatedly the overriding need for job growth as the nation emerges from its worst recession in decades.
“Just last month in June, we saw a net loss of 125,000 jobs across the country,” he said. “Let me repeat that — Just last month in June, we saw a net loss of 125,000 jobs across the country. Just last month in June, we saw a net loss of 125,000 jobs across the country.”
Greene pointed to education, infrastructure repair and a series of bizarre science experiments as means to improve the lot of the state’s citizens.
“We spend more than two times of our tax paying dollar on inmates than students. A stronger PTA should be put into action — instead of doing less for education, we should be doing more,” Greene said. “Most people who travel to South Carolina get here by vehicle.”
Greene added that “in addition we can expand the water” and that “now is the time to implement … methane.”
Calling for “justice in the judicial system,” Greene alluded to his own troubles with the law. He is facing a felony charge of showing obscene photos to a University of South Carolina student, then trying to get her to accompany him to his home.
“First-time nonviolent offenders should be granted such programs as pretrial intervention,” he said. “Okay, I know this guy that got into some trouble, mm-hmm, he happened to be a person of color … anyhow this guy met the criteria for pretrial intervention but was denied. This same guy’s trial was scheduled for last week, but was put off.”
Greene failed to identify the guy further.
“Anyway, moving on, let’s get South Carolina and America back to work and let’s move South Carolina and America forward,” he said. “Let’s reclaim our country from the terrorists and the communists.”
Displaying a wit previously well hidden, Greene used his own name to call voters to the polls this November.
“From Alvin, S.C., to Greenville, S.C., if you’re not registered to vote, register to vote,” he said.
He finished his address by asking the crowd to “check out my website and let’s get South Carolina and America back to work.”