NEW YORK (July 12) — Federal investigators have broken up a terrorist ring that plotted to turn Americans’ desire for fashion “zazz” against them, hobbling their limbs and reducing them to ridiculous caricatures.
Arrested at various locations around Long Island were members of a coalition of avant-garde knitting clubs, a previously unknown sleeper cell called “Al-Qaida in The Hamptons,” or AQITH, and high school student Peter Parker, better known as “Spiderman.”
The groups had allegedly been plotting together for weeks in a scheme to get women to wear the preposterous knitwear, either by heavily promoting it in fashion magazines, or by having Parker force it onto them, shooting the outfits from a contraption on his wrists using his “spidey” powers.
“This was a pretty sophisticated scheme that could’ve disrupted society to an unprecedented extent,” said FBI spokesman Earl Palmer. “Had it succeeded, everyone from vaguely trendy working women to outright fashionistas would’ve made fools of themselves in public. Our normally functioning society would’ve crumbled, as everyone stopped their regular activities so they could point and laugh at the fashion victims.”
The plot was originally hatched by a loose federation of knitting and crocheting enthusiasts who had allegedly grown bored of creating shawls and booties. The groups, known by names such as the “NitWits,” the “Knitting Knuts,” and the “Eager Weavers,” wanted to break out of conventional molds and design clothing that would be both eye-catching and cutting-edge.
Soon, however, their weekly meetings at coffee shops around central Long Island were infiltrated by members of Al-Qaida, who worked secretly to send fashion-forward knitting concepts over the edge and into the realm of the bizarre and frightening.
“Americans’ obsessions with distorting the female image by promoting form-fitting, kicky ensembles must be turned against them,” read a statement on the AQITH website. “The glory of Allah must not be diminished by darling sweater sets, flirty skirts and bright flower prints. We will take fashion to the edge, then use it to destroy Western society.”
A banner scrolling across the top of the website summarized the ominous theme: “Death is the new black.”
The FBI released images of several of the designs, which are shown below.
“As you can see, it would be impossible for normally functioning society to continue if people walked around in get-ups like these,” said the FBI’s Palmer. “This is not your grandma’s knitting. Instead, I see heavy influences from not only Al-Qaida, but also the Taliban and the Muslim Brotherhood, with maybe just a hint of Fause Haten and Peter Kor.”
The blue outfit at the top, for example, requires wearers to have their arms removed from the shoulder sockets and transplanted onto their hips. The yellow jumper makes it virtually impossible to eat. The red piece makes you feel like a turtle, while the blue minidress at the bottom will likely get you arrested for indecent exposure.
“We never intended for it to go that far,” said Sunshine Lowenstein, president of the Eager Weavers. “When those long-bearded newcomers wearing the edgy vests with wiring accents started coming to our Tuesday night meetings, we were just glad to have some guys in the group. I’ll admit they led us into some pretty radical directions but we never intended our knitting to become some kind of jihadist statement.”
Parker’s attorney said the Spiderman was only approached once by the cell, when he was asked if it were possible for him to “squeeze in” some dressing assignments during his crime-fighting duties. Parker reportedly told the group he could theoretically launch the knitwear from his wrists, but couldn’t guarantee how it would fit on his target.
“He’s much more comfortable working with silk,” said attorney Austin Learner.