Fake News: Man arrested in attempted robbery

FORT MILL, S.C. (July 7) — A local man was charged with attempted robbery and conspiracy yesterday after he bragged on his blog that he’d stage a midnight heist at a Babbitt Village convenience store.        

DavisW, 56, a financial document analyst from nearby Rock Hill, was arrested by sheriff’s deputies as he tried to enter the Circle J store on Sutton Road. Police say the man wasn’t armed, made no attempt to disguise himself and in general seemed not very bright.        

“He wrote up his plans in a post on the Internet. He came right out and said he was going to rob the store,” said Det. Sgt. Charles Harrison. “What an idiot.”        

DavisW said through his attorney that he was innocent of the charges, claiming he was only trying to be funny.        

“It’s not funny to threaten the security of a small business owner,” Harrison said. “In fact, we read through a lot of his posts and, frankly, none of them are funny.”        

DavisW reportedly approached the entrance of the store around 10 p.m. Wednesday as police staked out the parking lot after reading of the plans online. As soon as he crossed the threshold, a SWAT team of about a dozen officers descended on the man. He offered no resistance other than saying “hey!” and “what?” and “quit it” repeatedly as he was wrestled to the ground, police said.        

After charges were filed, the suspect was released on $10,000 bond.        

“You know, I went back in at the last minute, right before I hit the ‘publish’ button, and added ‘satire’ to the heading, because I was afraid something like this would happen,” DavisW told a reporter after his late-night release. “Apparently, the sheriff’s department doesn’t appreciate satire as a long-respected literary genre. Imagine what they’d do if I used magical realism.”        

DavisW claimed his plot to raise money for a family vacation to Newfoundland was “not serious,” and that his return to the establishment he had been casing only hours before was merely an attempt to buy a Kit-Kat bar.    

“Give me a break, give me a break,” he said. “They have to know I wasn’t serious.”    

Trial was set for Sept. 14.    


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2 Responses to “Fake News: Man arrested in attempted robbery”

  1. tom1950 Says:

    Maybe they’ll let you edit the prison newspaper. Hey, it could help your rehabilitation resume; in one to three years.


  2. LetUsAllUsPlayDominoes Says:

    Yeah, it’s always the same old story-you lawbreaker types are contrite only right AFTER the bust.

    Frankly, I’m glad there’s one fewer of your kind out on the street.

    Better be glad you made bail, ’cause you definitely would not be wanting to argue with Bubba over who gets the lower bunk.

    Kit-Kat bar, my ass.

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